It's Star Wars Celebration time in Florida, where thousands of people gather to beat the dead horse that is Star Wars. Among all the cosplay and desperate purchasing of substandard tchotchkes, there have been some announcements about the future of the Star Wars brand that show just how grotesquely debased the whole thing has become.
Above is the trailer for Star Wars: Detours, a CG cartoon from Seth Green. Pitched as a comedy show taking place at the fringes of the Star Wars universe, which seemed like an interesting idea. But the trailer indicates that the show is really just Robot Chicken neutered, with all the famous characters acting like buffoons and making painfully obvious jokes that would have been played out five years ago (Baby Ackbar's attempt to articulate "It's a trap" is pathetic). I get that this is a kid's show, but can't a kid's show be not shitty? And if it's a kid's show, why are all the jokes about movies that came out 35 years ago?
More likely to for kids is the new toyline that mashes up the husk of Star Wars with the endless hate machine of Cars. Yes, Cars versions of Star Wars characters. Which makes so little sense, since Star Wars has a bunch of iconic vehicles that can be just made anthropomorphized. But I guess we were all dying to know what Darth Vader looked like as a car. Fucking awful is the answer.
The level of exploitation being done with Star Wars remains staggering. It's like Lucas assumes this nonsense will burn out soon, so he wants to mine it for every dollar he can this year, but it just keeps going on. Every time it seems like the franchise has reached a new low, somebody discovers a whole new sublevel.
"What an incredible smell you've discovered," to quote a movie I used to love.
Here are more of the Star Wars Cars monstrosities:
I do not know why the Stormtrooper is a tractor.