Film Crit Hulk Smash: EXOTIC NEW FACTS YOU WILL ACQUIRE AT FANTASTIC FEST

Hulk imparts the lessons he learned at Fantastic Fest this year.

IF, BY THE VIRTUE OF CHARITY OR THE CIRCUMSTANCE OF DESPERATION, YOU EVER CHANCE TO SPEND A LITTLE TIME AT FANTASTIC FEST, A FILM FESTIVAL PUT ON BY THE ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE AT SOUTH LAMAR IN AUSTIN TEXAS, YOU WILL ACQUIRE MANY EXOTIC NEW FACTS. YOU WILL FIND OUT...

-THAT COMPARED TO THE QUITE FUN BUT SUREFIRE MADNESS OF SXSW, FANTASTIC FEST INSTEAD TRIES TO LOCALIZE ITS EVENTS AND TREAT ITS FILMS / HONOREES WITH SINGULAR, DEVOTED FOCUS.

-THAT YOU WILL RARELY SEE A MOVIE THAT ELICITS A SHRUG.

-THAT INSTEAD OF THE BIG BRITCHES AND "I'M SO IMPORTANT!" POSTURING OF ATTENDEES THAT IS COMMON AT MOST FILM FESTIVALS, THE REAL CURRENCY OF FANTASTIC FEST IS KINDNESS.

-THAT A SERIES OF GROWN ASS MEN WILL STRAP ON SLEEVELESS RED T SHIRTS AND FAKE TATTOOS TO CELEBRATE THE 25TH ANNIVERSARY RE-RELEASE OF A NEAR-UNHEARD-OF LATE 80'S ACTIONER ABOUT NINJAS, SYNTH  POP AND THE DRUG TRADE, WHICH WAS DIRECTED BY A TAE KWON DO INSTRUCTOR / MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER / POSSIBLE CULT LEADER, AND THEN BE DELIGHTED TO WATCH THE BAND FROM THE MOVIE PLAY IN A LIVE VENUE AND ALL OF THIS WILL SEEM LIKE THE MOST EXCITING THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED.

-THAT HENRI MAZZA'S COMMITMENT TO COSTUMED HOSTING KNOWS NO BOUNDS.

-THAT AN EMOTIONAL TWO AND HALF HOUR FRENCH MOVIE LARGELY DEALING IN ABSTRACTIONS AND SURREALISM WILL BE ONE OF THE TOASTS OF A FESTIVAL THAT SPECIALIZES IN GROSSEST-POSSIBLE HORROR AND JAPANESE PINK FILMS (AND-HEY-THAT-MIGHT-BE-SAYING-SOMETHING-COOL-ABOUT-MOVIE-GENRE-OMNIVORES).

-THAT TIM LEAGUE WILL FIGHT A GRANDMASTER OF TAE KWON DO.

-THAT TIM LEAGUE WILL FIGHT A 70 YEAR OLD MAN.

-THAT TIM LEAGUE WILL FIGHT YOU IN A PARKING LOT BARE KNUCKLE BOXING MATCH CAUSE WHY NOT?

-THAT ONLY TIM LEAGUE COULD TURN A TEXAS AMERICAN LEGION HALL INTO A NORTH KOREAN POW CAMP AND NO ONE WOULD BE OFFENDED!

-THAT YOU ARE AT THE KIND OF FILM FESTIVAL WHERE EVERYONE WILL HAVE ALREADY SEEN THE DANISH TRILOGY.

-THAT YOUR LIVER IS STRONGER THAN YOU THOUGHT.

-THAT AS MUCH AS YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE A HARDCORE ARCADE NERD AFTER KICKING ASS IN GOD OF BLADES FOR AWHILE, YOU WILL BE SO VERY, VERY WRONG.

-THAT ORDERING A SALAD IS A COUNTERPRODUCTIVE MOVIE-WATCHING FOOD.

-THAT EVERYONE WILL GO AROUND TALKING ABOUT "THE PENIS MOVIE" AND IT'S ONLY KINDA SORTA MAYBE ABOUT PENISES AND MORE ABOUT DEATH.

-THAT DOUG BENSON ISN'T PLAYING UP THE WEED THING.

-THAT SCOTT WEINBERG ISN'T PLAYING UP THE WEED THING EITHER.

- THAT EVERYONE WILL YELL "HONDO!" BACK TO YOU AND THEN BE WILLING TO DO THIS:

-THAT, YES, YOU DID SPEND THAT MUCH AT THE HIGHBALL.

-THAT IT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT.

-THAT THE TIKI ROOM IS THE BEST KARAOKE ROOM.

-THAT YOU WILL GET SERVED IF YOU COME AT HULK IN A  BREAK-DANCE BATTLE.

-THAT YOU WILL HEAR ABOUT HOW NICE AND AWESOME BARBARA CRAMPTON IS FOR YEARS AND THEN YOU MEET HER AND SHE'S EVEN BETTER THAN THAT.

-THAT MICHAEL LERMAN HAS AN EXCITING SIDE-CAREER AS A NERD RAPPER. AND THAT A RAP ABOUT ABOUT BABE: PIG IN THE CITY CAN BE SLAMMIN'... IS THAT THE WORD THE KIDS USE? SLAMMIN'??? ....... LEAVE HULK ALONE.

-THAT THE ONLY THING PEOPLE LOVE MORE THAN MONDO POSTERS IS COMPLAINING THAT THEY CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY EVERYTHING IN THE MONDO SHOP.

-THAT AS DELIGHTFUL AS SAM STRANGE CAN BE, EVAN SAATHOFF IS EVEN FUNNIER.

-THAT MARSHMALLOWS CAN ACTUALLY BE A GOOD DEVICE IN AIR SEX COMPETITIONS.

-THAT SEEING WINONA RYDER IN PERSON CAN INSTANTLY TURN HULK BACK INTO A LITTLE SCHOOLHULK WITH WEAK KNEES.

-THAT EVAN AND B.C. MAKE WONDERFUL "LEAD A BOXER TO A RING IN IMPOSING FASHION" GUYS.

-THAT JOE SWANBERG CAN GO FROM NEVER THROWING A PUNCH TO BEING PRETTY DAMN SOLID IN THE RING IN JUST ABOUT TWO HOURS OF TRAINING.

-THAT DEVIN FARACI WILL GET BACK UP.

-THAT A BOXING MATCH CAN BE NOTHING MORE THAN GOOD THEATER.

-THAT A MOVIE ABOUT KIDS PLAYING WAR CAN BE REALLY, REALLY ENTERTAINING.

-THAT APRIL SWARTZ IS BETTER AT PUNS THAN YOU ARE AT ANYTHING.

-THAT RINA TAKEDA WILL TOTALLY JUST BE HAPPY TO DEMONSTRATE HER HIGH-KICK GIRL MOVES.

-THAT MEREDITH BORDERS HAS WAY TOO MUCH WORK TO DO AT THESE THINGS AND YOU SHOULD GIVE HER TREATS BECAUSE OF THAT.

-THAT THE FANTASTIC FEUD SCORING SYSTEM MIGHT BE ONE OF THE MOST UNFAIR THINGS HULK HAS EVER SEEN AND ROBBED THE AMERICANS OF THEIR TITLE!

-THAT THE FANTASTIC FEUD IS STILL A CRAZY AMOUNT OF CHAOTIC FUN.

-THAT IT'S THE KIND OF FESTIVAL THAT CAN LITERALLY FEATURE A "CORRUPT COP DAY."

-THAT IF ANYONE ACCUSES HULK OF TRYING TO RIP OFF INFINITE JEST WITHOUT CREDITING IT THEN THEY DIDN'T GET THIS FAR INTO THE ARTICLE.

-THAT BILL NORRIS IS THE DEFINITION OF A CLASS ACT; TRULY AS SMART AND KIND AS THEY COME.

-THAT HULKS SHOULDN'T BE LET NEAR UCHI BECAUSE HULKS EAT ALL THE SUSHI.

-THAT BRIAN COLLINS IS THE KIND OF STAND-UP GUY THAT PEOPLE WILL JUST BRING DUNKIN' DONUTS TO.

-THAT AT SOME FESTIVALS IT IS OKAY TO BE YOURSELF (THANK YOU TO LANA WACHOWSKI).

-THAT THE WACHOWSKIS ARE FAR, FAR MORE PERSONABLE AND LESS RECLUSIVE THEN YOU'VE BEEN LED TO BELIEVE.

-THAT "TORTURE-OKE" COMES DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO "SEXUAL-AID-DEVICE-OKE"

-THAT STANDING IN LINE ISN'T SO BAD WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT WITH DOZENS OF LIKE-MINDED FILM NERDS... AND USUALLY HOLDING BOOZE.

-THAT NICK ROB AND CLAUDASAUR CAN KILL "BLACK AND YELLOW."

-THAT RIAN JOHNSON AND AARON HILLIS CAN KILL "Y-O-D-A."

-THAT A CHANGE OF SCENERY WITH A NICE MEAL OUTSIDE THE ALAMO BLOCK CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE.

-THAT THE AMAZING, WONDERFUL FONS PR TEAM WILL BRING YOU THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA IF YOU ASK FOR IT.

-THAT TEXAS BARBECUE IS NOT OVERRATED IN ANY WAY.

-THAT YOU CAN'T TELL THAT TO SOMEONE FROM KANSAS CITY.

-THAT YOU CAN TALK TO SOMEONE YOU'VE NEVER MET AND HAVE A NEW BEST FRIEND BY THE END OF THE WEEK.

-THAT AUSTIN KNOWS HOW TO TREAT PEOPLE... MOSTLY WITH BREAKFAST TACOS.

-THAT THERE IS NOTHING MORE JOYFUL THAN WANDERING INTO A MOVIE YOU KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT.

-THAT IT TAKES A SCOTTISH HULK, BORN IN BOSTON, LIVING IN LOS ANGELES, TO COME TO AUSTIN, IN ORDER TO REALLY FEEL LIKE THEY ARE HOME.

<3 HULK

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