You can't throw a dead Ewok without hitting a blog post about Star Wars Episode VII these days. From set picture leaks to continuing casting announcements, to cutesy pictures from JJ Abrams himself, Episode VII is omnipresent - and once you add the juggernaut of standalone Star Wars news you get something overwhelming.
It's possible that you see this glut of Star Wars content and want to comment on it or discuss it or tweet about - but be careful! There are a lot of previously unwritten rules about how to talk about this movie, but fear not, as I've taken the time to write them out for you. I learned all of these rules the hard way - by breaking every single and one and, in some cases, having my entire family threatened with rape for my trouble.
1. Do Not Prejudge Episode VII Based On Current Evidence. Unless, Of Course, You Prejudge Episode VII To Be Awesome.
Guys, it's way too early to be cynical about Episode VII. It's not too early to be excited about it, though. You shouldn't judge the casting of the film based on gender issues... but you can judge it for being awesome. Listen, you simply don't know enough to have any feelings about Episode VII... except surging excitement! If you dare to interpret any of the news about Episode VII out of context in a negative you will be called a hater and a troll. But if you interpret it out of context in a positive light you're just pretty much being a good fan! And that's what this is about - being a good fan. Don't you support the company?
2. Do Not Use Prior History To Judge Episode VII. Unless, Of Course, That Prior History Is Positive.
Listen, it's awesome news that Lawrence Kasdan is writing Episode VII. He wrote The Empire Strikes Back! And yeah, he wrote and directed some really crummy things in the past twenty years - exclusively crummy things, actually - but why dwell on the past? Man, JJ Abrams is directing! He did the awesome Star Trek reboot. Yeah, he also did Into Darkness, but whatever - you can't hold the past against him. And look how much Super 8 visually resembled a Spielberg movie! He's going to nail the look of Star Wars. Yeah, the script for Super 8 is actually a disaster, but he's co-writing with Kasan here, and Kasdan wrote The Empire Strikes Back!
3. The Prequels Are Pretty Much Totally Green Screened Cartoons, And No Dissent On This Matter Will Be Tolerated.
Look, it's exciting to see images from Episode VII that indicate a large, practical set - complete with practical creatures - has been built for Tatooine. I don't even know what the heck you're talking about when you insist that the Tatoonie scenes in The Phantom Menace were entirely practical locations and that a large outdoor Mos Espa set was built and that even many of the FX were themselves practical. I don't even understand what you're saying when you use the words "Episode I had a historic number of miniatures." We're excited about Episode VII because it's a return to practical, unlike that joke Episode III, which featured a thirty-foot long miniature set of the planet Mustafar.
4. George Lucas Is The Problem With Star Wars Except When He's The Best Thing About It.
Everything wrong with Star Wars these days comes from George Lucas, who is surrounded by yes men who can't turn down his bad ideas. Everybody knows that The Empire Strikes Back is the best one because Lucas wasn't involved. I think it's really important that Lucas' original nine film outline is used in this new movie, and I'm pretty happy to hear that JJ Abrams has met with, and gotten the approval of, George Lucas.
5. If You Talk About Race Or Gender In Star Wars YOU Are Actually The Racist/Sexist. Unless, Of Course, You're Explaining How Progressive Star Wars Is
It's a galaxy far, far away. They don't have the racial politics that we have here (and anyway, racism is over. We have a black president), but even if they did the fact that there are two black people in the new movie proves that Star Wars has no problems with race. And also they've now announced three women in the new Star Wars film, so why were you even complaining a month ago when they released a promo image showing an overwhelmingly male-oriented cast? No, we don't know what kind of roles these women have, but Star Wars has never cast interesting actors like Jimmy Smits or Terence Stamp in embarrassingly minor parts, so we can assume they're all major plot motivators and not simply girlfriends of other characters. And by the way, you're racist if you think Lupita Nyong'o was cast to be John Boyega's girlfriend. She could also be his sister. They're probably both Lando's kids, in fact. At any rate, only racist people notice the racial make-up of casts, and only sexists think men don't deserve to have starring roles. Also, the parts should go to the best actors, who always happen to be white men. Except when there are two blacks and also a Latino guy in the cast, because Star Wars has always been progressive. Didn't you see how Princess Leia killed Jabba the Hutt while also being so highly sexualized it has turned an entire generation of nerds into pretty much deviants?
6. We Don't Want Too Much Information About Episode VII Shared, And We Will Click On Every Single Article Written About This Movie To Tell You So
When I was a kid movie trailers were inscrutable mysteries that only made you more confused about what the movie even was. And we liked it that way. We grew up in a time without entertainment press, and no one ever discussed movies before opening day. When I was seven I was aware of the entire world, so this must be true. There's no way that magazines, TV shows and tie-in books spoiled movies regularly in the past, because I simply don't remember it and I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to do even the most cursory research into what movie trailers used to be like.
Anyway, the point here is that we want to go into Episode VII fresh and without any information, and we will click on every single Star Wars Episode VII story you run and will comment that we wish you hadn't run this story and then forced us to read it. We're so mad that you ran this story and forced us to read it that we're going to retweet it and also post it to our Facebook wall and, in the comments, ruminate on how much better it was when I was seven and the entire world kept every aspect of a movie secret.
That should be enough to help you navigate the tricky waters of online Episode VII discussion. Good luck!