Dear Paramount: Here Is My Pitch For PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3
It’s been announced that Paranormal Activity 3 will come out next October. That’s all that we have right now - no script, no director, no nothing. Which worked out for PA2 pretty well, a movie that was also greenlit well before any of the nitpicky ‘creative’ stuff happened.
Which means now is the time for me to jump in with my big pitch for the third film. What I’m about to give you, Paramount, is gold (totally copyrighted and everything, of course. Don’t make me sue you!).
So now everybody is dead and Evil Katie has the baby. What’s next? What does Katie want with the baby? And who will stop her? And how are they going to keep flogging the ‘found footage’ concept at this point?
Here’s the answer: remember the dog? The one left at the vet before Evil Katie came back to the house and killed everybody? She escapes the vet’s office in a thrilling scene shot entirely through vet office security cameras. But wait! There’s more! The vet had affixed a pet cam to the dog’s collar, and we can now have large parts of the movie take place from the dog’s POV.
The dog is hunting Evil Katie, who we follow from random ATM cameras, elevator security cameras and by seeing her in the background of tourist videos and stuff. The movie is still taking place in 2006, so let’s use the opportunity to do something with that. Have Evil Katie deliver prophecies about the future that we all know come true but that no one in 2006 would ever believe (it will add to the ‘authenticity’), like that a black guy will be president or that Apple is going to make a phone.
Meanwhile, the tweenie girl from the last one survived as well, and we know that she likes to film stuff for no apparent reason, so we’ll have footage of her. She’ll run away from the carnage at home and end up with the dog, tracking down Katie.
Here’s the problem: This is all far too much action for a Paranormal Activity film. So what we have to do is get all of these people to one location ASAP. It wouldn’t be a Paranormal Activity movie unless long stretches of it were spent sitting around with nothing happening. But there’s an elegant solution!
See, it turns out that Evil Katie takes refuge in a restaurant. A restaurant that is reputed to be haunted, and as such is being investigated by the Ghost Hunters (the real ones, who have been on the air since 2004). That gets LOTS of night vision footage into the movie but wait! There’s more.
The restaurant is owned by Chuck Berry. Which means that the climactic scene takes place in the women’s bathroom between the tweenie and Evil Katie and the dog (who is a bitch!) under the ceaseless gaze of Chuck Berry’s toiletcams.
How does it end? That would be spoiling, but I will say that there are a number of loud noises, all the toilet doors in the women’s room slam again and again and both the tweenie AND the dog get dragged (we will have a double dragging, which tops the draggings from the first two movies).
There’s more - there will be a whole first person nickelodeon scene detailing how Katie’s great grandmother made a deal with a demon. And we will, of course, leave the ending open for Paranormal Activity 4. I’m thinking the baby grows up and gets a Vyou.com account.