Five Stupid Conspiracies We Want Wikileaks To Address

Wikileaks is about to unleash some info about UFOs. But what other mysteries remain to be solved? Here are four fabulously moronic conspiracy theories we’d like to see Wikileaks address. How moronic you ask? How about: Stephen King shot John Lennon.

Did the Middle Ages even happen?

What if I told you everything you knew about the date was wrong? What if I told you that today wasn’t actually the 21st century but was rather some time in the 1700s? What if I told you that the Middle Ages never happened and that Charlemagne was totally made up?

You would think I was crazy. But that’s what German Heribert Illig claims in his Phantom Time Hypothesis. Troubled by a supposed lack of hard archeological evidence from the period around 614-911*, as well as what he perceived as an  error in the transition between the Julian and the Gregorian calendars, Illig immediately jumped to the obvious conclusion that 300 years of history was pretty much just made up.

As for why anybody would do this? Well, even Illig is a touch stumped. The best he could come up with is that maybe Constantine VII had some reasons to pretend there was 300 years between him and a bungled raid on Persia. Seems extreme.

But who knows (besides reasonable people and astronomers, who can compare modern star positions with ancient notations and realize that the Middle Ages actually existed)? Maybe the US State Department has a better chronology and we can learn the secrets from Wikileaks.

Read more about that here.

* Whoah, spooky.

Did Stephen King murder John Lennon?

You may think that Mark David Chapman gunned down John Lennon in front of the Dakota apartments, but you’ve been misled. In fact there was a vast conspiracy to kill Lennon, and the shooter was… Stephen King.

John Lennon conspiracy theories have been around forever - there’s this whole crazy thing about how Catcher in the Rye, with which Chapman was obsessed, was written by JD Salinger who happened to actually have been in military intelligence in WWII and who may have been involved in the project that one day became MK-ULTRA (which was investigating mind control and dosed poor sucker with LSD) - but Stephen Lightfoot has taken them to new levels.

Lightfoot is the author of a 24 page booklet called, quite simply, Stephen King Shot John Lennon. I have to admit that I understand almost nothing about the theory, which mostly seems to be taken from schizophrenic word associations and from the fact that young Stephen King looked like a big fucking creep.

I wouldn’t have included this theory, but after recently watching Dreamcatcher I have no question that King’s evil is without bounds.

Click here to read more on the theory.

Is Alex Jones actually Bill Hicks?

The great comedian and social commentator Bill Hicks died of cancer in 1994. Or did he?!? There are some people who claim that Bill actually faked his death, underwent plastic surgery and reemerged as modern conspiracy superstar Alex Jones.

Apparently Jones came on the scene right after Hicks died. There are some points of comparison that theorists use to make the connection, the most notable of which is that Jones’ cameraman Kevin Booth apparently grew up with Bill Hicks.

It’s an interesting theory, but maybe Wikileaks can shed light on two important questions in it: why would Hicks bother changing his identity, and why would he change his identity to become a completely insufferable douchebag? Julian Assange, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

Is Jay-Z a member of the Illuminati?

You knew he ran the rap game, but did you know that he also ran the whole fucking world? That’s the theory of some people who say that Hova’s lyrics, videos and even Rocawear fashions point to him being a member of a secret society - and probably one with a “Luciferian philosophy.”

The biggest evidence seems to be Jay’s obsession with the eye-emblazoned pyramid on the back of the dollar bill. This is, as we all know, a symbol of the hideous conspiracy that runs our country in secret except when  they put their symbols on the most handled currency. Jay-Z makes regularly makes a signature triangle sign with his hand, and sometimes in photos and videos it looks like he’s putting his eye in  the triangle - just like eye in the pyramid! Jumpin’ Jehova Phat!

Jay-Z has, of course, denied this. As the Illuminati Handbook tells him to do. But check out this video and see how obvious is it that Jay-Z and friends run the world.

Is Obama from Kenya?

I would kind of love it if Wikileaks turned up Barack Obama’s real birth certificate. You know, the one that proves he’s a Kenyan and that the entire nation has fallen under the control of the forces of evil. I would love it because I have always wondered what it would be like to wake up in Bizarro World, a place free of meaning and logic.