We try to watch about 50 or so movies at AFM. Of those, about three or four end up on the “maybe,” list for Fantastic Fest. I really love it though. Deals are being made and dreams are being shattered every minute. In addition to real targets for the festival line-up, I also try to pick up fliers for sad, ill-conceived or just bizarro films that will never make it to your neighborhood multiplex. Below are a few of some of the sales sheet highlights from this year’s foraging.
HOGAN’S COURTDirect from the sales sheet: “Parents, are you tired of settling fights between your kids? Are their arguments over who gets to watch what movie first in the minivan driving you to drink? If so, Hulk Hogan may be able to offer a solution. Hogan will portray a “larger-than-life judge” on a kid-friendly, Court TV style show. The program, which is called “Hogan’s Court,” is described as a live-action game show to settle sibling disputes, like the problems that arise from someone’s sneakers stinking up the house, or when a sibling spends way too much time in the bathroom.”
GROUP SEXGreg Grunberg from HEROES joins Tom Arnold and a rather lost looking Henry Winkler in a wacky comedy about sex addicts. Poor Grunberg. I guess has already found out that he can only ride the Heroes gravy train for about 15 minutes before he fades into total obscurity.
Age of Dragons
My guess is that Danny Glover has some serious alimony to pay off. He looks utterly confused as to what chain of events led him to star alongside Vinny Jones in a medieval riff on Moby Dick. Exec producer Gil Aglaure says of the Herman Melville inspired movie with a white dragon subbing for the traditional whale, “It’s Moby Dick with way more excitement, way more action.”
Check out Gil below as he waxes poetic about his new blockbuster-to-be, all the while nonchalantly reclining in his production hammock.
This one really isn’t so bad, but I was pretty creeped out by the one-two punch of gigantic boob and weird scary hyena face. I also liked the homage to the classic I Spit on Your Grave poster art. Before this I was not aware of any buxom hyena woman legend, but I guess it is real.
Last but most certainly not least is a trio of films from Asylum. Asylum more or less lords over AFM, always with a brand new slate of cheapo knock offs. Past Asylum catalog classics include Transmorphers, Sunday School Musical, Snakes on a Train and of course Megashark Vs. Giant Octopus. They have now turned MegaX vs. Giant Y into a thriving franchise in and of itself. Say what you will, but these guys a) have a sense of humor about their work and b) can print money.
God knows if this is the real actor or just some guy who delivers the coffee to the Asylum office. Regardless, they will be dropping a Thor DVD the week before Marvel’s blockbuster hits screens.
Battle of Los Angeles
Swap a “:” for a two letter contraction. Bam. Totally different movie that will be confusing blockbuster patrons on March 11. Where the hell is Michelle Rodriguez? No refunds.
Megapython vs. Gatoroid
I have no fucking idea what the difference between a gatoroid and an alligator, but hot-damn, I’m excited to find out. Asylum starlets Tiffany and Debbie Gibson have carried Asylum productions solo in the past. With Megapython vs. Gatoroid we finally get the 80s pop icon double team.
[caption id=“attachment_6080” align=“aligncenter” width=“568” caption=“Karrie League poses in front of but refuses to enter… the gay labyrinth”]
That’s all for now. Next stop, the European Film Market in Berlin. Slightly classier than the American Film Market, but still delightfully trashy. While in Berlin this year, I am going to try to steel myself and solve the mystery of the “Gay Labyrinth.” I couldn’t find anyone to explore it last year, and navigating the pitfalls of the “Gay Labyrinth” is definitely not a solo mission.