Five Other Kid’s Comic Characters Who Should Die

Archie Comics is killing off Miss Grundy, who has been teaching high school in Riverdale since 1942. It’s about time that kiddie comics characters felt the Grim Reaper’s touch; here are our five ideas for who should die next.

Louie Duck

Huey, Louie and Dewey have been always inseparable and have always stuck by their Uncle Scrooge McDuck’s side over the course of decades of adventure. But over the years they have made many enemies, including Magica De Spell. When the duck witch captures Louie and tortures him to discover the location of Scrooge’s Number One Dime the young duckling bravely stays silent - to his death.

And so begins the Dark Ducktales saga, in which Huey, Dewey and Scrooge travel the globe gathering allies to have a showdown with Magica and her forces of evil. It’ll take place over the course of six storylines spanning two years with 12 collected editions and one spin-off miniseries where Huey engages in black magick in a desperate bid to resurrect his brother but only succeeds in losing his own soul (that’ll get wrapped up in the next Duckberg megacrossover!). Nothing in Duckberg will ever be the same. Ducks will live, ducks will die.

Spike of Sugar and Spike

Sheldon Mayer’s classic kiddie characters are stuck in the past, with their stories never having gone past the 1960s. It’s

time to bring them up to date. As you may know Sugar and Spike are toddlers who can communicate with each other and other babies, but not adults. When a new baby named Mohammed comes to their daycare the two infants learn of a terrorist plot to blow up the local mall. The babies team up with infant genius Bernie the Brain and manage to defuse most of the bombs - but one remains and Spike jumps on it and is killed in the explosion, bravely giving up his life to save his friends.

Bernie makes a robot version of Spike, who can fly and shoot thousands of rounds of explosive ammo from his thumbs. After waterboarding Mohammed for the secrets of his toddler terrorist cell, Sugar and the New Spike fly to Pakistan to begin unloading baby justice to Infant Al Qaeda.

All of the Peanuts Characters Except Pigpen

A horrible strain of Ebola sweeps the world, wiping out every single Peanuts character (Charlie Brown, in the final moments of his life, manages to kick that football but only because Lucy has already vomited out her liquified organs

and died, propping the ball up) - except Pigpen. It seems that Pigpen’s penchant for filth has built up his autoimmune system to superhuman levels, and he begins to wander the post-plague landscape with Snoopy and Woodstock (now wasteland warriors), trying to find any survivors.

This new version of Peanuts will mix the vibe of The Road with the original comic strip’s endless sense of existential terror - after all, wasn’t the whole thing about Charlie Brown’s deepest fears of simply being alone? Now those fears have been transferred to the unlikeliest of heroes, and we see how Pigpen copes in a world that has been wiped clean.

Jason Fox of Foxtrot

No good reason, I just hate this character and would like to see him die of stomach cancer.

Moose from Archie

You think they’re done killing people off in Riverdale? Gimme a break. Ask the good folks at DC - once you rape and kill the wife of a comedic character it gives you a real need to top yourself in the useless, idiotic killing department. Also, I

was going to make number five Krypto, Superman’s pet dog, but DC has already killed him off TWICE.

As for Archie, Miss Grundy’s death was part of the imprint’s longterm plans - which included introducing the first openly gay character to the comic - of making the comics about the real world. “The goal was to tell stories with important, real-world issues that people deal with like death, financial hardship and marriage issues,” Jon Goldwater, co-chief executive of Archie Comics, told the New York Times. And what could be more important and real-world than Moose Mason, the big lummox jock who we recently learned has a learning disorder, killing himself?

But Moose simply putting  a shotgun in his mouth won’t be enough. See, Moose will have killed himself because Jughead, doing some investigation on the internet (a la Pete Townshend), learns that Mason is a kiddie fiddler. It turns out that he just feels most ‘understood’ by eight year olds. What comes to light is that Moose’s hard drive is filled with images of the children of the Archie Comics characters (they’ve started getting knocked up in the alternate future Life With Archie comic); as everyone copes with the bloody demise of a man they called friend they also have to begin to figure out how his evil shadow will impact the lives of their young children.

In the tradition of the Archie/Punisher crossover, this storyline will be told half in Life With Archie and half in a special animated episode of Law & Order: SVU.