Borders Line: Netflix Streaming Is The Reason I Hate Outside

Netflix is now catering to the utterly lackadaisical among us by adding a Netflix button to remote controls. I’m celebrating this advance in Technology For The Inert And Agoraphobic by cataloguing some of the best that Netflix streaming currently has to offer.

For Nostalgia’s Sake:

Netflix streaming is the ideal format for revisiting movies that we adored as kids or teens and have had little reason to encounter as adults. David Lynch’s Dune is a prime example. I love the novel and the movie totally bastardizes the story. It’s also incoherent and bizarre. But shit, I loved Lynch’s Dune as a kid, and on some sleepy Sunday afternoon in the very near future, I can easily see myself settling in for a cozy re-watch. In this category, we also have Enemy Mine, Brewster’s Millions, Ladyhawke, The Boy Who Could Fly, Fraggle Rock, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, 21 Jump Street and Innerspace. I wouldn’t necessarily rent most of those movies or shows these days, and I don’t need to own them. (Well, except for Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.  I should probably just buy that

 already.) But when all I need to do is push a button in order to recapture a glimpse of my forgotten youth, dammit, I’m gonna do it.

What Are You Waiting For?

I know, I know. Good titles are released constantly, and it’s hard to keep up. You’re tired and busy and you complain a lot. But Netflix streaming eliminates any excuse you might have once used for not having enjoyed certain essentials. Have you seen the documentary of Michael Jackson’s last tour, This Is It? Why the hell not? You’ve had plenty of opportunity, home alone one late night, to move aside all living room furniture, stream This Is It, and enjoy a dance party of one. (Surely I’m not the only person who’s done this?) Have you seen the Korean western romp The Good, The Bad, The Weird? You really should. And you can, super easily! Other titles that you have absolutely no justification for having missed include the inexplicably awesome Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, the grim yet superb Red Riding trilogy, low-budg high school noir Brick, Ti West’s throwback slasher The House of the Devil, the penetrating documentary Capturing the Friedmans, vagina dentata opera Teeth, the self-explanatory Tokyo Gore Police, Park Chan-Wook’s Vengeance Trilogy, the first two entries in the Swedish Lisbeth Salander series (the third, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest, is not yet available free streaming, so I’ll give you a pass on that one), and the complete series…es of Party Down, Strangers With Candy and The State. Get on it, okay? Now. No excuses.

This Movie is Almost Definitely Terrible, But I’m Curious and It’s Free:

This particular service is unique to Netflix. There are some movies that I would never rent, never buy, never even watch on TBS on a Saturday afternoon while I’m folding laundry because I can’t be arsed to stick it out through the commercials. But I’m vaguely curious, and through the miracle of science that is fast-forwarding, I can turn a movie of any length into a painless 40-minute session. For that reason, I’ll probably watch Lost Boys: The Thirst one day soon. I’ve already tolerated (barely) Lost Boys: The Tribe, so why the hell not, right? The same is true of S. Darko.  That movie is heinous; I know it must be heinous. But I guarantee you I’ll end up watching about a third of it by the end of the month. I have no interest in When In Rome; I hate most romantic comedies, I hate the title, I hate the director, I hate the poster, and I find Josh Duhamel unforgivably bland. But god help me, I love Kristen Bell, and even if I can’t forgive her for making the movie in the first place, I’ll end up watching the first and last fifteen minutes just for her. Same for Mila Kunis in American Psycho 2, which has the added bonus of being a crappy romantic thriller, a genre to which I find myself involuntarily drawn. You know, I’ve never seen Johnny Mnemonic? I’ve never really had the urge to, but that doesn’t mean I won’t. I’ve railed against the very existence of The Descent: Part 2, but the combination of beer, boredom and insomnia is bound to carry me inexorably to the viewing of that piece of shit at some point. One word of advice, however: you may find yourself tempted by the very logic I’m using here to watch Repo: The Genetic Opera. Don’t do it! The abomination that is that film transcends even the I’m Curious, It’s Free defense.

There’s actually a fourth, final category of Netflix streaming. The wtf, why isn’t this movie free streaming? category. Like, wtf? Why isn’t Overboard available? I really want to watch Overboard. Just not enough to walk out to my mailbox.

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