The Week In Fake News

Sam Strange looks back at the week that wasn’t.

*According to Redbox, the film’s producer, the sequel to Sylvester Stallone’s massively popular The Expendables will move forward without his involvement. The new film will retain all other cast members, however, while adding few fresh faces including Michael Madsen, Tom Sizemore, Richard Greico, and Joe Eszterhas. Look for it in McDonald’s drive-thrus everywhere in the next six to eight weeks.

*After unprecedented delay and controversy, the troubled Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark production has finally fired director Julie Taymor in favor of a more financially sure approach to the show. Each night now will simply be a U2 concert featuring Bono zooming over audience heads while performing “Beautiful Day”. Producers, worried this new approach might alienate non-U2 fans, were quick to point out the show’s safety record, stating that “each ticket sold is like an I-Hate-Bono lottery ticket.”

*It looks like Guillermo Del Toro will not be moving forward on his $150 million, Tom Cruise-starring adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s At the Mountains of Madness for Universal Studios. As an olive leaf to the tremendously gifted filmmaker, the studio has offered to let him direct the prequel to their planned $150 million, Tom Cruise-starring One, an adaptation of the card game Uno.

*Work is being done on a film adaptation of New York’s famous Macy’s Day Parade. Rather than just make one film, however, Macy’s plans to give each float their own individual origin film with occasional float crossovers, all leading up to a single float film where all the floats must join forces to combat a common float enemy: Pissed-off Native Americans.

*Kevin Smith “tweeted” earlier today that, after only two showings, his new film, Red State, has already broken many box office records, namely: highest ticket prices, most concessions sold, and likeliest Pyrrhic victory.

*Speaking of Kevin Smith, badassdigest’s own Devin Faraci paid a visit to Smith’s Smodcastle this week for an interview with the director himself. Faraci prepared tough questions but found himself the interview’s subject instead as Smith desperately asked “Why don’t you like me?” over and over again. He then turned questioning over to the audience where fans lined up to ask Faraci, “Why don’t you like him?” The podcast ended with an hour-long speech from Smith about how horrible his own films are. Faraci sympathetically attempted to offer Smith critical advice, but his mic had been turned off.

*Reviews for Jonathan Liebesman’s Battle: Los Angeles have been pouring in all week, the general consensus of which paints the film an unqualified success. Surprisingly, Roger Ebert has come out as one of the film’s most ardent supporters, claiming that, after years of fervent argument to the contrary, the film finally convinced him that video games could be art.

*Producers of X-Men: First Class will release two more Magneto/Charles Xavier character posters in an effort to ameliorate concerns brought up by the widespread negative reception of two posters released earlier this week. The concept will remain the same, but will now feature Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart’s faces hastily photoshopped onto clip-art shadowcrotch instead of the film’s actual stars.

*Forward momentum continues to build towards a Peter Pan prequel. The current leading concept involves Peter Pan (Channing Tater) before he was a boy, and Captain Hook (Shia La Boof) before he lost his hand, as brothers who have a falling out when they both fall in love with their sister, Tinkerbell before she was a fairy (Michelle Williams). Michael Jackson is rumored to cameo as The Wizard of Oz, a great and powerful being who informs Peter Pan of a prophesy identifying him as “The One.” Ivan Reitman is set to direct.

In Memoriam…

Wrestling legend Randy “The Ram” Robinson died doing what he loved earlier this week. Witnesses report that The Ram was “kicking the Ayatollah’s Muslim ass” when he climbed a ring pole in preparation for his signature “Ram Jam” finishing move. Randy reportedly slapped his elbows, stared longingly at Marisa Tomei, then leapt flat on the mat with a wet thud.

Official autopsies reveal that, despite a heart almost completely filled with regret and sadness, the cause of death was actually a staph infection Robinson unknowingly contracted after shoving his thumb into an unsanitized meat slicer. His cremation will be held behind a VFW somewhere in New Jersey.

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