This Is A True Story: Steven Seagal Rides A Tank To Bust A Cockfighter

The chunky ponytailed warrior tracks down a dangerous chicken killer from inside an armored vehicle.

By now we’re all aware that Steven Seagal, martial arts douchebag extraordinaire, has a part time job as a lawman. Or at least as a lawman on a TV show. But he’s really upping the stakes; on Monday Seagal hopped in a tank in Phoenix Arizona and used it to bust a criminal who was wanted for… running a cockfighting ring.

In case the image of Seagal in a tank stopping a man who makes chickens fight wasn’t enough, he did it alongside Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the noxiously racist fascist who mistreats inmates, abuses his power, breaks election laws and basically acts like Boss Hogg.

The local residents are not amused by this stunt, which was obviously staged for Seagal’s TV show at considerable taxpayer expense.

From KPHO Phoenix:

Neighbor Debra Ross was so worried she called 911 and went outside where a nearby home had its windows blown out, was crawling with dozens of SWAT members in full gear, armored vehicles and a bomb robot.
“When the tank came in and pushed the wall over and you see what’s in there, and all it is, is a bunch of chickens,” Ross said.

“I think taxpayers should be shocked,” said Robert Campus, [the suspect]’s attorney. Campus said he believes the operation costs tens of thousands of dollars.

What a bunch of dipshits you got in charge, Phoenix.