This week in fake movie news…
*After finishing Superman, Zack Snyder will reportedly begin work on back-to-back sequels to his hit film Sucker Punch. Plot details are still scarce, but the films will throw out the first’s thematic illustration of how women cannot get ahead in a man’s world and will instead focus solely on being the naked girls with guns film everyone mistook the first one for.
*Producers of The Hangover II have decided to scrap the cameo shot recently with Charlie Sheen stating that “by the time we were done filming, he was already no-longer interesting.” Instead, they’ve chosen to quickly shoot cameos for both Rebecca Black and the New York Zoo cobra. Black will portray a child prostitute fucked by Ed Helms while the cobra will portray a deep red liquid the gang drinks from shot glasses.
Sheen’s footage will not go to waste, however. Producers now plan to stitch together a DTV Hangover III using only discarded cameo footage. The film hits shelves in August and will contain feature-length cameos by Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson, Liam Neeson, Michael Gross, Double Rainbow Guy, Corey Haim, Larry King, Lindsay Lohan’s Dad, and Stan Lee.
*BatNews! Warner Bros. revealed this week that The Dark Knight Rises will officially be the final good Batman film. The franchise’s next entry will be a complete reboot headed by Bryan Singer and designed to be an extended homage to Tim Burton’s classic take on the character.
Additionally, at at a recent press conference Christopher Nolan emitted a cough which sounded suspiciously like the word “Croc,” slyly confirming the film’s inclusion of Killer Croc. In adherence with Nolan’s more grounded Bat-sthetic, however, Killer Croc will appear only as an actual crocodile and will bite Batman’s leg as he dangles from the Bat-copter.
*A film adaptation of Agatha Christie’s Murder She Wrote is going forward with Jennifer Gardner portraying the elderly Miss Marple despite fan complaints that Jennifer Gardner is too young for the role. Contentions were erased, however, when producers announced the film would also feature both a young Columbo and a young Matlock and that the three would fuck and fight a lot.
*Terry Gilliam’s Time Bandits is being remade as a children’s film. It will no longer feature bandits or time travel, but will still involve a bunch of little people doing things. This time, however, the little people will all be portrayed by child actors pretending to be little people. To keep the Gilliam-for-Kids theme strong, the film will also feature a gang of 12 monkeys who drop in and out of the film causing fart-based mischief. Also, the film reportedly ends with all the children being lobotomized.
In other news:
*Due to economic woes, Ray Kinsella was finally forced to sell-off his corn field baseball diamond to his brother-in-law Mark. Ticket sales for the once famous attraction had steadily been decreasing in proportion with the rising age of people who know who Shoeless Joe Jackson is.
The area will now be turned into a stadium where the ghosts of John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, and most of Lynyrd Skynyrd can get back to doing what they’re still contractually obligated to be doing. More information can be found at www.ticketmaster.com.
*It appears that part of the ongoing Oceanic flight 815 saga has finally come to an end. Long-missing Kate Austin was discovered disembarking an aircraft in Hawaii yesterday after a dramatic emergency landing. The plane also held a 1970’s pilot, an Egyptian slave, an Asian paranormal psychic, a crazy Australian elf, and a sensitive cowboy.
Out of sheer habit, police officers on the scene attempted to arrest Kate. The sensitive cowboy fought officers and suffered fatal gunshot wounds. Kate later hung herself in prison. According to the Asian paranormal psychic, both souls waited in a facsimile of LA for all their friends to die so they could finally go to heaven. Hearing this development, the 1970’s pilot simply rolled his eyes and grumbed, “I’m getting too old for this shit.”
*Horrible tragedy struck the infamous He and She couple this weekend. In an effort to cope after the widely publicized death of their son, the duo disappeared into Oklahoma’s “Eden” forest reserve for a week of therapy and natural raspberries. Only four days later, He emerged from the forest alone and bloodied. According to reports, He lost his mind, She lost her life, and both lost their genitals. Police have put out an APB on a cosmic fox, faun, and crow.
Due to an inability to be in the same room as females without shrieking, He will reportedly not be attending She’s funeral. The ghosts of several thousand evil women have RSVP’d, however, not only to pay their respects, but also to collect She’s clitoris, left to them in her will.