This week in fake movie news…
*Cameron Diaz may join the cast of Len Wiseau’s Total Recall remake. The film stars Colin Firth as a poor Florida construction worker who discovers he may actually have been a wealthy senator from Wisconsin before suffering a concussion and losing his memory. Diaz will play the materialistic and hollow Wisconsin wife with fake boobs, while the already signed Katy Sagal will portray the earthy but loving Florida wife with three breasts.
*The solo film for Ryan Reynolds’ Blade 3 character, Deadpool, has finally found a director. The film will now be helmed by Roger Christian, a first timer with previous experience as 2nd unit director for Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace. If things go well at the box office, Reynolds also plans to bring the character to The Asylum’s upcoming superhero team film, The Avengered.
*BatNews! More casting on The Dark Knight Rises came in this week. The guy who played the body of one of the twins in The Social Network will now be playing the body of a younger Ra’s al Ghul in flashback scenes, while the guy who played the face of both of the twins in The Social Network will be playing his face. The convoluted nature of the casting is reportedly designed to take attention away from the fact that The Dark Knight Rises will contain flashbacks at all and that they pertain to plot details from the Nolan Batfilm everyone already remembers as a prequel to The Dark Knight.
*After years of patience, perverts everywhere finally got to see Kirsten Dunst’s breasts in a film trailer released this week, though many complained about the anti-climactic nature of the reveal. “They were just there, and I wasn’t adequately prepared for them to be there yet,” said [email protected] “And if it’s anything like that dude’s last movie, masturbating to it will prove more difficult than it’s worth.” Manhandle<[email protected] also added, “She’s what? 30 years old? She had her chance to give me a boner and blew it. Unless she apologizes to me personally, this is just too little to late.”
*Arianna Huffingtonpost fired half the Internet’s professional movie writers this week after her company, AOL, took over half the Internet last month. While this unfortunate event puts a decidedly Dickensian taint on one of the most vocal liberals in media, it does grant a normally intelligent, socially conscious community one free weekend of misogyny and xenophobia.
*Baz Luhrmann will soon be filming an adaptation of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s novel, The Great Gatsby, starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Toby Maguire. The film will be shot in 3D.
In other news…
*A convenience store/video rental establishment finally went out of business in Leonardo, New Jersey this week after years of local scorn. According to shoppers, the store was a cesspool of laziness featuring one employee who constantly whined about his own shitty life and another employee whose abrasive behavior bordered on the sociopathic and may have led more than three teenage girls to suicide. Additionally, shelves were rarely stocked and the prominent in-store television often screened pornography. In an interesting twist, however, lack of business is not to blame for the closing, but rather police seizure of the building as a front for the large scale operation of two hilarious drug dealers and a chimp.
*Police finally arrested legendary underworld crime lord Keyser Soze at a movie theatre in Kansas City, Missouri this week when local sheriff Reginald VelJohnson unknowingly engaged him in some friendly chit-chat while waiting in line to see Hop. Soze apparently told him his name was Steve Rogers, and that he worked for a Caribbean lantern factory called Asgard Pottery. He went on to complain that he was in town for a wedding, but the groom had disappeared, and he had to take in a movie because the TV at his Super 8 was only playing cowboy and alien programs. Luckily for justice, VelJohnson’s nephew, Dunston Thirty-eight, overheard the conversation and immediately cried, “Bullshit.” Finally realizing what was going on, VelJohnson dropped his soda.
*Single Mother Beatrix Kiddo was killed in her sleep last week after suffering bites from a copperhead snake. Eyewitnesses indicate an an African American girl, most likely a teenager, exited Kiddo’s house late the night in question, but police have yet to apprehend anyone. Kiddo’s daughter could not be reached for comment as she is allegedly studying religion at a temple in Hong Kong.