This Week in Fake Movie News…
*Fans were largely thrilled by the first trailer for this summer’s Rise of the Planet of the Apes. The trailer highlights photorealistic apes in both furious and quiet situations, automatically making it more visual and thoughtful than the last one, which was just a still photo of a lemur pooping into its own hand. If the film does well, filmmakers are ready to begin work on the sequel, Dawning of the Age of Aquarius of the Planet of the Apes.
*Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel continues to feed the Internet with news. This time we learn that a planet called Krypton will appear in the film and that it will not be made of crystals. Obviously, we cannot explain this mysterious planet’s role in the Superman mythos without spoiling the movie for millions of two-year old home-schooled Christian kids.
*Bradley Cooper will be starring in a remake of The Crow. This time, Eric Draven is a stock broker about to make a fortune in the stock market when a rival stock broker steals both his big money deal and his fiance. Aided by the mystical power of The Crow, Draven dyes his hair black and learns to rock so hard that he becomes famous. In the end, his girl comes back to him willingly now that he loves to party and cares less about material things, of which he has many.
*Ryan Gosling will be donning the famous mask for Gore Verbinski’s The Lone Ranger, finally making the transition from Working Actor No One’s Ever Seen to Working Actor America Confuses with Josh Lucas, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Emile Hirsch.
*Two days after the release of Scream 4, opinions still diverge wildly on the film’s quality. Nevertheless, everyone seems to agree that, “Holy shit! That lady was Mary McDonell?”
*Robert Zemeckis will be returning to the world of 1/2 live-action filmmaking with How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack, an “adult-themed” story about two garden gnomes who fall in love despite their respective families’ long held rivalry. Following that, Zemeckis plans to make three “adult-themed” films about toys that come to life when no humans are around.
In Other News:
*Scientists have discovered likely oil deposits beneath Camp Crystal Lake, many located directly under the statue memorializing the area’s 150+ brutal slayings by a still-at-large (?) mentally challenged orphan. In an effort to make the retrieval operation more pleasing to sensitive Americans, President Palin has promised that only death row inmates will be working the oil. They will be given blunt weapons, and the whole thing will be filmed by Bob Shaye just in case shit gets awesome.
*In related news, Springfield, OH, famous for its bizarre frequency of teenagers dying in their sleep, now has an altogether different problem. According to local authorities, teens are now sleeping every chance they get, missing school and even meals in the process. When asked why, one grumpy teen had this to say: “There’s just this chill guy in our dreams. His face is scary, but he listens to cool tunes, and he buys us beer, and we just hang out watching TV and stuff. He’s really funny, man. Really quick-witted dude, ‘specially when it comes to puns.” Another teen, 14 year old Tasha S. added, “Best sex I ever had.”
*In even more tangentially related news, David Blaine will solve the Lament Configuration before a live audience this weekend at Times Square. The event will be televised for however long he lasts.
The world mourns the passing of Iam Sam today at an age appropriate to his particular form of mental retardation. Sam may have been diminished mentally, but he had a heart as big as anyone. He loved Starbucks. He loved IHOP. He loved Beatles covers. He loved.
His success as a father is apparent in the way his devoted daughter took care of him when other girls her age would be worried about prom or how to wear a pad. His success as a friend was apparent at his memorial service, which was attended by Corky, Rain Man, The Other Sister, Simple Jack, Arnie, and Sam Witwicky.
Sam will live on in our hearts as a symbol of both humanity’s unconquerable spirit and nature’s horrible, savage cruelty. God may have laughed at Sam, but those lucky enough to hear him say “Rooty-Tooty-Fresh-and-Frooty” laughed with him.