Here’s the week in fake movie news:
* Batnews! Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Marion Cotillard’s roles in The Dark Knight Rises have finally been revealed. Levitt will be playing John Blake, a boy burning with hate after the Joker stole his report card as a child. Marion Cotillard will be playing Cobb’s dead wife.
*Jeremy Renner has been cast as Jason Bourne in The Bourne Legacy. This is a doubly bold movie for the film’s producers as people may turn from the franchise when they realize Jeremy Renner is not Matt Damon, and geeks may turn from Jeremy Renner when they realize he is not Nathan Fillion.
* Jason Statham has been cast as professional criminal Parker in yet another adaptation of Richard Stark’s The Hunter. Parker-fan outcry has been loud and clear since the announcement, complaining that not only is Statham too buff, bald, and British for the role, but that nowhere in the books does Parker defy gravity, listen to opera, or almost want to have sex with a man.
* Approximately ninety actors have signed on to appear in the film adaptation of Suzanne Collins’ The Hunger Games Trilogy this week. The books are about one hundred starving teenagers from around the globe competing in athletic events for either a succulent meal at Dave & Buster’s or infinite skee-ball at Dave & Busters. They all have collars on their necks that will explode if they die of hunger or try to eat each other. They are also all gay.
Girlfriends who have read the book tell us we’re assholes and that’s not what the books are about at all, and at least they’re not reading that stupid Game of Thrones shit.
In Other News…
* Through genetic modification done in utero to dramatically narrow the esophagus, Japanese scientists claim they have created a breed of Mogwai that literally cannot eat food, after midnight or any other time. Sales are projected in the trillions as Mogwais are cute as fuck only cost one bottle of Evian to breed.
A word of warning, however: the Japanese scientists were not forthcoming with details, but a series of angry scowls and evil glances deeply insinuated that all jailbroken Mogwais would turn into Ghoulies.
* In this week’s murder-suicide news, a black general smothered his newlywed, voluptuous white wife this afternoon after confronting what he believed to be proof of her infidelity. This proof, however, had in fact been planted by his most trusted advisor, a grumpy Italian. Upon realizing his mistake, the black general took his own life. More details are hard to come by, as the angry Italian vehemently refuses to speak.
Surprisingly, those close to the couple cannot even agree on who is at fault. While some blame the grumpy Italian, some also see him as a sly anti-hero. Others feel the wife invited the violence by not wearing a bra. Others still, see the horrific event as a portent of what happens with interracial marriages.
* Yesterday, we reported that the unknown, naked male found pinned to a cross in Topeka, Kansas Friday had been buried in an unmarked cave, but no one knew exactly where. Investigative journalists have finally discovered this cave only to find it empty of all unknown naked males. They did, however, find signs of physical resurrection followed by what could only be teleportation out of the cave. In light of this new information, it’s clear that we’ve been hoodwinked by an elaborate hoax. We apologize to those taken in by the story emotionally. The healthiest course of action now is to forget about the whole thing altogether. Sorry for this editorial hiccup.
* A sad week for Detroit. Officer Alex Murphy was finally laid to rest Monday after nearly twenty-five years of single handedly protecting Detroit from a sea of street villainy and corporate greed.
Many credit Murphy’s humanity as the only thing holding him back from becoming the rampant killing machine all other OCP cyborgs ultimately became. Sadly, it was this humanity that proved his undoing. Though his robo-body kept consistently oiled and pristine, his brain and the front half of his face continued to age normally, eventually contracting and succumbing to a variety of diseases.
Out of respect of for Murphy’s family, OCP officials buried the half-face and brain for free and told no one it was a fake and that the real one was in a cloning factory downtown.
* Detroit, Michigan