EXCLUSIVE! The Summaries Of The Next Five Films In The FAST & FURIOUS Decalogy

This weekend Fast Five will hit theaters, and it will dominate cinemas throughout the month of May. Perhaps the ultimate expression of what the Fast and the Furious series IS, Fast Five is far from a conclusion to the series but rather a new beginning.

And now we have attained exclusive information about the future of the series. There are five more Fast and Furious films planned, with a rough sketched outline of a story leading up to at least episode 27. At great legal and personal risk we present to you the future of the Fast and Furious franchise.

(Just a note: there will be no spoilers in any of these, so don’t worry about having the Fast Five credits gag ruined for you!)

The Fast and The Furious 666: Race With The Devil - The series finally catches up to the events of Tokyo Drift, where Han dies in a flaming wreck. Heartbroken about the loss of his friend, Dom travels into Hell, where he puts up the ultimate pink slip in the ultimate race - he will face the Devil’s chosen drivers for Han’s soul. And if he loses, Satan gets his soul. The Devil puts together a team that includes Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, James Dean and Dale Earnhardt (all brought to life using state of the art CGI) and pits them against Dom in a race that takes them through all nine circles of Hell.

The FaSEVENt and the FuriouSEVEN - It turns out that Letty and Dom had a secret love child, played by Vin Diesel in a wig and using forced perspective to make him seem smaller. The child, Domina, gets mixed up with a murderous band of  drag racing movie pirates. She discovers that Bow Wow is deep undercover with the movie pirates, and she must help him upload Academy Screeners to maintain his cover.

2 Fast 2 Furious x 2 - Dom and Brian attempt to hijack a truck that contains experimental parts for the Large Hadron Collider. When they incorporate them into the engine of Brian’s car it creates a hole in the space-time continuum, and Brian and Mia are sucked back in time to the 50s, where they help invent muscle cars. It turns out they’re the real parents of Lucas Black’s character from Tokyo Drift. On the way back to the future they pluck Han from the time stream just before he’s killed, retroactively invalidating the sixth film in the series.

The F9st And The Furi9us - Dom and Brian attempt to hijack a truck that contains experimental parts for the Cyberdyne Corporation. It turns out that Jesse, the sort of autistic guy from the first film who gets killed by the Japanese kids, has been brought back to life as a cyborg with robotic legs. Dom, in his car, must race Jesse, who runs at nearly supersonic speeds on his cyborg legs. The Rock returns to the series, having left the FBI and now working as an inventor whose cutting edge nitrous formula could save the day… if it doesn’t destroy all of civilization.

FFX: The Secret War - Dom has come to the end of his road. He locks himself in the garage with a hose leading from his tailpipe into the car. But when he wakes up he’s not in heaven but rather on a huge spaceship outside the galaxy. He’s been recruited to race against the top drivers in the cosmos… and every loser will have their planet destroyed by Roman, who has inexplicably become an evil space overlord. Features a cameo by Captain Marvel of the Kree Empire, as by this time all movies will tie in with Marvel’s upcoming The Defenders franchise.

Neal Moritz and his team of crack writers have some other stories plotted out. Some hints:

Fast 14: FFGCTA - Tagline is “You can’t outrace the human genome.” The Rock discovers the secret  to immortality and must engage in a slow-moving race through eons against a sinister cabal of other immortals led by Mia, thought dead since the 12th film. Their goal: to engineer the perfect child through a painstaking series of thrilling high speed inseminations.

Not As Fast, A Little Less Furious - The gang gets together for a Thanksgiving dinner and reminisce about how far they’ve come in the forty years of the series so far. State of the art CGI allows 68 year old Vin Diesel to race against himself at age 30.

The Fast and The Furious Legacy - Domina travels into the electronic fuel injection system of her father’s Charger, where she discovers he’s been digitized. They talk a lot and nothing interesting happens, yet a bunch of people who were six when the first Fast and Furious come out will love this movie because it’s so heavy on references to that film.

The Fast and The Furriest - The latest driver in the league is none other than Bigfoot. And he’s driving none other than Bigfoot.

Fast 27 - An immortal The Rock survives the heat death of the universe. Overwhelmed by loneliness he decides to race the concept of non-existence in an existential action sequence only coherent in 3D. At the end The Rock creates an all-new reality where he is God, and reboots the entire series.