This week in Fake Movie News…
*Javier Bardem has finally signed to play Roland in Ron Howard’s unconventionally formatted Dark Tower adaptation. Oddly enough, Bardem is only committed to the first film and mini-series. For film and television series number two, Howard plans to replace him with Matthew Fox and hopes to nab Val Kilmer for the third, VOD, entry and its extended web series. If Kilmer is not available, Howard will likely go with fan-casting favorite, Cuba Gooding Jr.
*Since leaving office, Arnold Schwarzenegger has been making up for lost time as far as new projects go. So far, he’s been attached to a Stan Lee cartoon, Kim Ji-Woon’s The Last Stand, a new Terminator film, and now Cry Macho, a film about a gruff bounty hunter whose masculinity pills accidentally get switched with his too-gruff daughter’s estrogen pills just when he embarks on the most dangerous case of his career. The concept should utilize Schwarzenegger’s gifts for action and comedy while stretching the dramatic acting chops he first developed in 1997’s Copland.
*Critical and commercial derision has convinced John Aglialoro not to pursue parts two and three of his planned Atlas Shrugged adaptation. Down but not beaten, Agliarolo will immediately begin working on a Donald Trump biopic instead.
*It looks like Quentin Tarantino’s next film with be yet another entry in the Django series. Folks, you vote for these endless sequels, prequels, and remakes with your wallet. If you Middle-American philistine zombies would simply stop watching every stupid Django movie that comes out, we’d get more originality in Hollywood overnight. Jesus Christ.
*The artist who designed Mike Tyson’s facial tattoo is suing the makers of The Hangover II after seeing his copyrighted creation don Ed Helms’ face in the film’s promotional material. This is a lucky break for the artist, as all other offenders thus far have been far too unemployed to bleed dry in court.
*After suffering various development problems, two competing Martlin Luther King Jr. projects, one directed by Paul Greengrass and another directed by Lee Daniels, have decided to join forces and make one Martin Luther King Jr. mega-epic instead. Luckily, recasting won’t be necessary because both versions had Fred Armisen set to play the lead.
In other news…
After decades of nefarious rumors held bay with legal loopholes, police finally received the go-ahead to raid Willy Wonka’s mysterious chocolate factory this week. Despite expecting the worst, officers still found themselves floored by an unprecedented disregard for human rights and sanity codes on the premises, not the least of which was a mass Oompa Loopa grave located at the bottom of a chocolate river. Wonka himself was found unconscious, floating in a Dr. Pepper rejuvenating chamber with tubes connecting his every orifice to churning vats of various candies.
Attempting to flee the scene in a great glass elevator, CEO Charlie Bucket was fatally shot down by police helicopters, so explanations will be hard to come by. Nevertheless, all reports thus far seem to completely validate the bizarre accusations made on Mike Teevee’s popular VLOG.
Highly decorated Vietnam Veteran turned fugitive Bosco Albert Baracus tragically lost his life this Wednesday. Baracus was last seen leaving Chicago in his GMC Vendura on an emergency trip to meet friends in Guatemala.
Baraca made it as far as Mexico when a stalled 747 crash-landed directly onto his vehicle. Police sifted through the burning wreckage for Baraca’s body, but found only a few teeth and a ribcage gilded with molten gold. These were, of course, stolen by an old man dressed as a priest, a handsome man dressed as an altar boy, and a loose cannon dressed as a nun.