Hollywood legend Sam Strange recalls the time he became a crusader against the babysitting profession.

Back when I was just a sweet suburban teenage girl, I often had to make ends meet with babysitting. It was horrible. People don’t realize how shitty little kids are. They know you can’t beat the piss out of them, so they walk all over you. On top of that, the stupid little boys lust after your boobs and follow you around pretending to get stuff our of their pockets while exploring their training-wheel wieners.

I also had a gigantic fear of the city in those days. Everything I knew about it came from my Uncle Lester. He told me the city was a place where colored gangs roamed the streets looking for white people to kill out of sheer jealousy. Everyone in the city was poor and homeless because they’d rather burden the government than work for a living. He painted the city as a twisted mirror image of my world where everything was ugly and vile and dangerous for its own sake. I realize now that Uncle Lester wasn’t talking about the city at all, but the South, and he learned his colors incorrectly.

After a particularly bad night of babysitting, I took my earned funds and decided to make a film about the unknown plight of babysitters everywhere. Since typical babysitting complaints would just look petty, I had to capture the absolute worst babysitting experience imaginable. This called for an exploration of Uncle Lester’s City. My aim was to eradicate the babysitting profession altogether, but my pornography collection tells me that babysitting continues undaunted to this day.

Elizabeth Shoe is a 27 year old 16 year old babysitter charged with watching two kids. The youngest is a sassy little girl whose obsession with Thor predicts a colorful future as a 300lb cosplayer. The other is an 18 year old 16 year old who suffers from a severe case of 1980s Sean Astinism made apparent by the fact that he’s a 16 year old boy being babysat by a 16 year old girl he will never sleep with no matter how much bravery he exhibits by the film’s end. That’s about as 1980s Sean Astin as you can get.

1980s Sean Astin also has a comic relief buddy hanging around who suffers from 1980s Cory Feldmanism. He also suffers from red hair, so he’s extremely horny.

Things are going fine until Elizabeth Shoe gets a frantic call from her best friend Six (Jenna von Oÿ). Apparently, Six’s dad wouldn’t let her go see New Kids on the Block, so she ran away from home. Having spent all her money getting to the city bus station, she is now stranded and desperate for a ride home. Here we get our first glimpse of the apocalyptic cesspool my Uncle Lester warned me about. A fat black woman steals Six’s glasses. A hotdog salesman won’t accept her 2nd hand check. A weird guy keeps showing her his gun for no reason. The cute kitten she befriends turns out to be a sewer rat. A dirty old man lives in the phone booth she’s using. And the Baseball Furies keep hitting people with baseball bats.

Elizabeth Shoe must now pack up the kids and drive her mother’s car into an unknown hellhole to rescue her painfully stupid friend. What happens next is less a movie than an escalating series of horrible events that will test Shoe’s ability to get the kids in bed by eight.

For instance, the very moment they cross from suburb into city, they have a tire blowout. This should automatically be a deal-breaker because they have no money, but a hook-handed truck driver offers to fix their car for free. Because Elizabeth Shoe’s suburban upbringing did not warn her about stuff like this, she really thinks he means free and not movie #2 where Elizabeth Shoe suffers anal rape.

Before that can happen, however, the truck driver gets word that someone is having sex with this wife. In a fit of cuckolded anger, the driver forgets his future anal sex and speeds home to shoot his wife and her lover. In a matter of moments, the Shoe Crew go from having never seen a gun before to almost getting bullets in the face. They hide out in a car as the trucker executes his wife.

City inexperience fails to warn them about parked cars. They are all either being used as bathrooms or being stolen, this one representing the latter. The thief seems nice enough, though. He says he’ll help them after dropping of the car at the chop shop. What they don’t realize is that he plans to gain favor with his gangster overlords by delivering not one but FOUR kids to their human trafficking inventory. They’ll go for a high price, too, because they smell like shampoo and aren’t missing any teeth or anything.

The overlords at the chop shop put them into cells, but not before horny 1980s Corey Feldman steals a Playboy magazine filled with incriminating ledgers. It’s actually not a suburban-friendly Playboy like he thought, but a more city-friendly Hustler filled with pictures of people peeing on each other and eating poo which cures him of his horniness instantly yet plants a dark seed of curiosity deep within the little Thor girl.

They escape the chop shop and get chased into a blues club. Charmed by the sight of other clean white people, blues legend Eric Clapton demands the group actually sing the blues before leaving the club. The Shoe Crew accurately approximate the very worst blues has to offer. The audience is enrapt, but only because they expect Elizabeth Shoe to start stripping at any second. She never does, and they all get the blues.

They leave the bar and escape into a subway. Little do they know that only gangs ride the subway. Before they know it, they’re caught in the middle of a battle between the Turnbull AC’s and the Boppers, and 1980s Sean Astin gets stabbed in the toe, which is also about as Sean Astin as you can get.

This leads them to a city hospital emergency room where they witness heroin overdoses, late-stage leprosy, and one guy desperate trying to fill out paper work before his slit-throat empties him completely. The doctors all stop what they’re doing for 1980s Sean Astin’s toe wound because they smell a pretty big lawsuit if they don’t.

While there, they miraculously run into the hook-handed truck driver. He takes them to his boss’ garage where Elizabeth Shoe’s car is all fixed up. To the little girl’s surprise, the main mechanic is Thor. But he’s not himself because he doesn’t wield Mjöllnir yet. He says all it will cost them to drive out of this nightmare is either Elizabeth Shoe or the little girl’s body for a lifetime of personal sexual slavery. Obviously, this will not do. The little girl uses her cute Thor worship to convince him to relax his terms a little. They can now choose one from the whole group, not just the girls. Elizabeth Shoe wastes no time handing over 1980s Cory Feldman since she was technically never babysitting him in the first place.

With all this taken care of, they finally head home. The bad guys after their incriminating Hustler magazine chase them but cannot drive beyond the City/Suburb threshold, so it’s not really a problem once they get that far.

Elizabeth Shoe puts the kids to bed just as their parents return home none the wiser that their children were almost sold into slavery at least four times. She gets paid and returns to her comfortable home, ready for another day of careless High School shenanigans. It doesn’t dawn on her until the following morning that she completely forgot to pick up Six, who, like many teen runaways, spent the night selling her body for heroin to help dull the pain of selling her body for heroin. Stay in school.

(three stars)