This week in fake movie news…
*Quentin Taranino’s new film, Django Unchained, looks to be picking up steam this week. Not only has the script been getting rave reviews from the online community, but word is Will Smith may take the lead role.
Smith reportedly wants to do it, but cannot commit due to his busy schedule managing the careers of his son, Justin Bieber, and daughter, Beaver Bieber. If Smith fails to commit, friends near to Tarantino think he will go with his second choice, 1980’s Eddie Murphy.
*Because Paul Scheer’s death in Piranha 3D occurred offscreen, filmmakers for the sequel, Piranha 3DD, will include the actor simply by pretending his death didn’t occur at all. Also included in the sequel due to being cut from the first: Piranha eating a girl’s vagina, piranha swimming through toilet tubes and eating Christopher Lloyd’s butt as he takes a dump, a 3-DD shot of Jerry O’Connell’s penis getting turned into piranha poop, and funerals.
*It looks like Ron Howard’s ambitious adaptation of Steven King’s Dark Tower series may not happen after all now that the film’s studio, Universal, has shelved the project as too risky.
For those that don’t recall, Howard’s proposal included three films, each followed by a television series, a new cable television network to air the series, a chain of Dark Tower-themed restaurants (surf n’ turf menu, reportedly), and a commissioned series of novels written by Dean Koontz to help viewers come to grips with the story’s epic scope. The film’s leads are also contracted to sire children to play younger versions of themselves at the studio’s cost.
*Steven Spielberg has rounded out the cast for his upcoming Lincoln biopic. So far the highly impressive list includes Matthew McConoughey, William H. Macy, Ryan Phillipe, Maris Tomei, Josh Lucas, John Leguizamo, Bryan Cranston, and Trace Adkins. Such familiar faces will certainly help bring younger viewers to a film about a historical figure they’ve likely never heard of.
*Tom Six has completed the second Human Centipede film and is already whetting appetites for a third. While fans are excited, distributors are unhappy with Six’s maniacal insistence that all three films be spliced together with catgut and diapers for every exhibition.
In other news…
*After almost a decade, the USA finally killed Osama Bin Laden this week. According to reports, Bin Laden was roused from his hideout when a group of American/Mexican/Korean/Homosexual thieves used their vehicles to steal a vault filled with his money. The ensuing chase left Bin Laden’s broken and bloodied on a bridge where he was then shot two times in the face by The Rock.
Pundits on both sides of the isle managed to put aside their often heated differences long enough to declare this a very solid win for the Wyld Stallyns presidency.
*Young astrophysicist Jane Foster changed her facebook status to “in a relationship” this weekend only to change it back to “single” a mere day later. At the same time, her sexual preference was changed from straight to “I am fucking done with men forever.”
Industrial giant Herman Blume passed away this week after overdosing on sleeping pills while wearing a plastic bag over his head. Blume left no suicide note, but the proximity of his death to the recent marriage of chief Wyld Stallyns cabinet member Max Fischer and school teacher Rosemary Cross (Blume’s 2nd ex-wife), leaves little confusion about what happened, especially on top of neighbor reports that Elliott Smith’s “Needle in the Hay” emitted from Blume’s window at the time of his death. Blume had attempted to stop the couple’s India-held wedding, but failed to make it on time after just barely missing a train.
Nevertheless, police do not yet rule out foul play. According to childhood friend Magnus Buchan, Blume and Fischer at one time participated in a contest of one-upmanship that nearly took Blume’s life several times. This report collaborates accusations held in Dirk Calloway’s tell-all book “Max Fischer: Dickhead”. At the time of press, however, no formal charges have been made.