The Week In Fake Movie News
*Martin Scorsese has agreed to take on Lars Von Trier’s Five Obstructions challenge. The project demands Scorsese remake one of his old films, while adhering to very strict demands and limitations set by Van Trier.
According to sources, Van Trier has chosen Taxi Driver for remaking. The titular obstructions are as follow:
1) The first obstruction is that the film must be filmed underwater without giving away the fact that it was filmed underwater. If Scorsese fails, he must promise to never watch another film so long as he lives.
2) The role of Travis Bickle must be played by the fat lady from Norbit, played by Eddie Murphy. If Murphy refuses, Scorsese is allowed to use Murphy’s nerdy, partially retarded twin brother, Jiff. If Jiff refuses, Scorsese will be shot in the head.
3) This version of Taxi Driver must include at least fifteen scenes in which a man is kicked in the nuts. It is imperative that every line immediately following the kick be spoken in a high-pitched voice. Digital manipulation MAY NOT augment vocal pitch. If Scorsese fails, he will have to record a positive audio commentary for Madea’s Big Happy Family.
4) Scorsese must invent 1-D filmmaking and utilize it for the challenge, while also post-converting the finished film into 3-D. If he fails, his testicles will be bludgeoned.
5) The finished film must be so powerful that one viewing murders Michael Haneke. If Scorsese fails, he must kill Michael Haneke in a perfect reenactment of the Lincoln assassination and film it on an iPhone.
Scorsese will begin the project as soon as he’s finished apologizing to his loved ones.
*The next Pirates of the Carribean film is all set to premier on ABC next week. So far advanced reviews are positive, claiming that starts Geena Davis and Matthew Modine “adequately replace Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley” while “adequately holding their own against an animated Jack Sparrow” which is “adequately voiced by Skeet Ulrich.”
*NBC has decided to pass on David E. Kelly’s Wonder Woman film, claiming, “We really really really wanted to do this, but the blowjob given by the Wonder Woman broad was simply atrocious, and we saw no signs of better blowjobs in the future.”
*Sylvester Stallone’s Expendables 2 premiered at Cannes this week despite still not having a script, cast, or director. At its current state, the film is merely a poster. Nevertheless, the poster received a standing ovation and participated in a spirited Q&A where it showed great interest in becoming a real film someday.
*Colin Hanks has been cast in the next Dexter film. Hanks will play a guy who fucks Dexter’s sister and dies soon after discovering Dexter’s true nature. Dexter himself will spend the film hunting notorious serial killers Michael Myers and Jason Vorhees with the aid of pesky sidekick Ashley J. Williams, while desperately trying to raise money to keep an orphanage/nunnery open.
In other news…
In a last ditch effort to assert their stance as a serious world threat, al-Qaeda operatives highjacked Air Force One after President Obama’s visit to Osama Bin Laden’s Pakistani hide-out. While the President managed to empty the plane of all cabinet members and service personnel via escape pods, he neglected to use one himself when he realized the terrorists intended to fly the plane into Sears Tower.
Unwilling to yield the world’s most iconic aircraft to evil, President Obama snuck through the plane taking out one terrorist after another using only his Chicago-honed hand to hand combat skills, while simultaneously negotiating (via constant radio contact with Joe “Pussy Inspector” Biden) a ninety-minute window to quell the situation before Republicans blew the potentially dangerous aircraft out of the sky.
The plot came to a dramatic conclusion when Obama wrapped a parachute around the neck of final terrorist and incident mastermind, Garyjad al-Oldmanahiri, and deploying it, thus decapitating him. Obama then landed the plane safely on top of a brand new Outback Steakhouse in Lubbock, Tx, interrupting George Bush’s ribbon-cutting ceremony, for which Obama was later made to apologize.
In Memoriam:
Funeral services will be held in both New York and Los Angeles in honor of John McClane monday after the retired super cop imbibed a lethal mixture of herbal vitamin supplements, raw spinach, and POM Wonderful 100% Pure Pomegranate Juice.
Those close to McClane claim the man most people remember died a long time ago. After famously thwarting Simon Peter Gruber’s robbery of the Federal Reserve, McClane embraced a healthier lifestyle, choosing not only to quit drinking and smoking, but to shun vanity by shaving his head and behavioral crudeness by avoiding foul language and abandoning his New York accent altogether.
Then, after foiling Thomas Gabriel’s debilitating cyber attack on the US, McClane decided to live even more “Free” by retiring from the force and selling all his worldly possessions. At this time he became a raw food advocate and avid bicyclist as well.
Long time friend Al Powell said he hardly recognized McClane anymore, “I’d try to talk about old times, but he’d just go on and on about vegan diets and the importance of daily enemas.” A third Gruber brother had a similar sentiment: “I was gonna show up and start some shit, but the whole thing suddenly felt very pathetic once I saw him.”
McClane’s body will be incased in concrete and placed above the Nakatomi Plaza next to a plaque stating “Yippee Kai Yay, Motherfucker.” His Last Will and Testament specified other plans for his body, but they were ignored for being very, very stupid.
