The Week In Fake Movie News
This week in fake movie news…
*Big news from Cannes! Terrence Malick’s new film, Tree of Life, was met with rancorous boos at its premier screening this week, the general Cannes consensus being: “Dis movie zay it have everyzeeng. Dis movie have ze Big Bang. Dis movie have ze dinosour. And yet but why dis movie no have ze Mien Fuhrer?”
Defending a fellow filmmaker in trouble, Lars Von Trier claimed that, even though his parents were probably Nazis and he totally understands Hitler as a human being, he agreed with Malick’s decision to omit him from Tree of Life‘s narrative. Cannes responded by banning Von Trier from the world along with all his films and any other films that may have inspired his comments.
*On the eve of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s return to cinema, the former Governor has found himself plagued with scandal. It was revealed this week that Schwarzenegger had a child out of wedlock with lover Danny DeVito back in 1994. Rather than give this child up for adoption, Schwarzenegger let the bastard live in his house as one of his maids. Not only has this cost Schwarzenegger both his marriage and career, but child labor charges have been brought against him as well.
*Batnews! The Dark Knight Rises viral campaign is in full effect for those who follow twitters. Post a twitter featuring a THEFLAMERISES hashmark, and your twitterpicture will appear at www.thedarkknightrises.com. Once 1,000,000 people have done this, the website will reveal an exclusive picture of the world’s biggest Batman Begins fan. His name is Ramsey, and he’s a published poet (www.lovelikeaman.blogspot.com).
*The trailer for Robert Zemeckis’ Tintin was finally released this week. Based on a series of beloved Russian books from the 1800’s, Tintin is surely about something.
*American Reunion will have breasts in it.
*Fox Studios realized this week that by the time X-Men: First Class finally opens, only thirty minutes of it will actually be new, unseen footage. Because it’s far too late to get the whole cast together, the film will now feature an hour-long sequence of Nick Fury at his desk taking phone calls from various Marvel characters. Expect some clips online next week.
*EDITORIAL* So a new movie studio opened this week adn it’s called www.bittorrent.org and there 1st film is a horror film and the film is called THE TUNNEL and there releasing it for free. Nosing around the sight some, this journalistic reporter noticed they had tons of other movies too, all fo them free. Movies like Pirates of The Carribean 4, which is really really good! Finally, a movie studio for the people!
In other news…
Two extraordinarily handsome yet rugged men were found dead yesterday outside Topeka, Ks, their bodies resting beside what appears to be a five mile-wide rip in the earth’s crust. Workers also found scores of gigantic wings scorched into the surrounding surface area. Early estimates put it at just under two thousand pairs. It is still unclear exactly what killed the men, but ancient hieroglyphics were found sharpied onto both their torsos and backs, and they were both holding shotguns loaded with rock salt.
Local police claim the boys had been snooping around the day before, identifying themselves as FBI Agents Fatone and Bass, along with a third, older and more grizzled man not found at the scene who identified himself as Agent Timberlake. The three were supposedly there to investigate a sudden rash of virgin suicides and widespread livestock death but spent most of their efforts searching nearby churches for ancient texts regarding The Book of Revelation.
Regarding the massive tear in the earth’s crust, few were willing to speculate. Only one anonymous geologist on the scene would comment, “This is completely unnatural. Looks to me like the devil himself tried to split the world in two. Put me in the looney bin if you must, but I shudder to think of what nearly occurred here.”
In Memoriam:
We have reports that a plane went down over Illinois last week tragically killing every last one of the Blues Brothers.
Gone from this world are…
Elwood Blues
Mighty Mack McTeer
Buster Blues
Cab Blues
Brother Zee Blues
May they now finally reunite with their lost brother, Jake Blues, somewhere up there in Blues Heaven.
This news comes as an unwelcome low blow to a nation already hurting from harsh middle-clash realities. Real Americans working hard to keep a roof over their family’s head can no longer listen to the blues while drinking beer in the garage with friends, which automatically inspires one to ponder “Why go on?”. One Real American, Dustin Scott, claimed this “the worst thing to happen on an airplane since 9-11, as far as screwing over Real Americans goes.”