A lot of people I know really love to eat food. They rave all the time how good it tastes and how necessarily it is for my body. But I’m just not buying it. I get all I need from my whiskey-coffee and cigarettes. Food makes you fat. I never touch the stuff.
It got to the point, however, where just averring this to my friends was not enough. America as a country had a food addiction of epic proportions. Half the people I saw looked like Kathy Bates, and the other half looked like Queen Latifah. And the half after that looked like Kathy Bates and Queen Latifah trying to make a baby with Chaz Bono.
So I decided to make a documentary about the horrors of food. After asking around a little, I ascertained that America’s most popular food is a thing called McDonalds. To prove my point, I would eat nothing but McDonalds for thirty days while documenting all the horrible shit it did to my body. The experiment would follow a few simple rules:
1. I had to eat three meals a day.
2. If McDonalds asked me whether I wanted to super size my meal, I had to say yes.
3. Within the thirty days, I’d have to eat every item on the menu at least once.
4. When offered condiments, such as ketchup or sweet n’ sour, I had to request it be served in a drinking cup. If they offered to super size my condiment drinking cup, I had to say yes.
5. If at any time I were to vomit, I had to eat that too.
6. Under no circumstances would I be allowed to move my body.
I visited various doctors to document my control vitals. Of course, every doctor told me I was healthy as shit and asked if I would come back and be an organ model for their medical students. With that done, I was all set to roll cameras and begin documenting my descent. To play me in the documentary, I found a reformed biker/aspiring game show host named Sporgan Warlock.
Day One: I ate a breakfast sandwich, a lunch sandwich, and a dinner sandwich, each accompanied by french fries and a soda-pop. Felt pretty good.
Day Two: More of the same, but at dinner they asked me to super size my meal. The resulting quantity of grease and meat made me vomit, which I then had to eat. It’s difficult to eat vomit without making more vomit, so it took about two hours for me to finally end the eat puke-puke-eat puke-puke cycle. Sporgan Warlock earned his $25 plus free meals that day, I can tell you.
Day Three: Was served a dead rat, a live rat, and a French rat.
Day Four: Chicken Nugget Day. I had about four hundred of them. Then I watched a cartoon about how chicken nuggets are made. It featured chickens with gigantic boobs. Lots of laughs that day.
Day Five: My first doctor visit after the experiment began. They said I was dying. I told them that was a risk I was willing to take.
Day Six: I began to feel my body changing. According to Sporgan Warlock’s V-Log, I experienced night sweats, depression, and horrific nightmares featuring chickens with big boobs. My wife at the time also complained that I was no longer good at sex. I told her that, since she was a humorless vegan, this finally put us at an even playing field bedroom-wise. She left me. McDonalds COST ME MY MARRIAGE.
Day Seven: Got myself a new wife. Met her at McDonalds. Her name was Brenda, and she looked like she meant it.
Day Eight: At this point, I had already eaten everything on the menu, so I could choose whatever meals I wanted for the remainder of the experiment. To keep the film under budget, I opted to eat only ketchup. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner, all of them super sized. This gave me time to investigate other pressing matters…
Day Nine: Received corporate sponsorship from Wendy’s, Sonic, Burger King, Taco Bell, Subway, and Pizza Hut. Since the film was already paid for, all this shit went straight into my pocket.
Day Ten: Went looking for Osama Bin Laden. Found him. Tipped-off the Prez.
Day Eleven: Pondered why America is such a violent country by bringing a boy with bullets in his body to the K-Mart where the bullets had been purchased in hopes of getting a full refund. Because we had no receipt, we had to settle for trade. Used the credit at the K-Mart McDonalds.
Day Twelve: Wondered why every time I went to the doctor it cost $11,000 even though I’m fully insured. Found it it’s all because of this thing called Capitalism. Apparently, Capitalism is a game where if you win, you own McDonalds. If you lose, you eat at McDonalds.
Day Thirteen: Discovered that Capitalism was invented by George Bush II.
Day Fourteen: Brenda told me to let it go.
Day Fifteen: Brenda took a bullet to the noggin, a bullet meant for me (played by Sporgan Warlock).
Day Sixteen: After getting thrown out of Roger Smith’s private McDonalds again, I decided to finally let it go.
Day Seventeen-Twenty Seven: More of this stupid McDonalds bullshit. So boring watching myself drink ketchup three times a day.
Day Twenty Eight: Back to the doctor. My weight had gone up an astounding eighty-five pounds. My liver had turned to fat, I couldn’t make a fist, and my skin darkened and sagged with the burden of ketchup sweat. They said I would probably be dead within 24hrs. I told them no one was dying on my watch.
Day Ten: I died.
So there you have it. Food is so bad that the actor playing me couldn’t even eat it for thirty days without dying. Stick to whiskey-coffee and cigarettes, people. That’s the breakfast, lunch, and dinner of champions.
If you would like to participate in some kind of thirty day experiment, please contact me at [email protected]/pomwonderful.org. I have a lot of ideas I think would be very fun to watch and laugh at.