This week in fake movie news…
* The head honchos at DC Comics have decided to reboot their entire brand. Beginning in August, DC will release 52 books, each at issue #1. Characters you know and love will have wiped continuities, new costumes, and more youthful ages.
The new books will be:
2. Action Comics
3. Superman Comics
4. Superman Action Comics
5. Action Comics with Superman
6. Superman: Origin
7. The Origin of Superman
8. Suddenly Superman: Prequel Book
9. All Star Superman
10. Superman and Flash
11. Superman and Green Lantern
12. Superman’s Pal: Jimmy Olson
13. Superman’s Girlfriend: Lois Lane
14. The Adventures of Ma & Pa Kent
15. Superman and Batman
16. Superman and Batman: Origins
18. Detective Comics
19. Batman Comics
20. Batman Detective Comics
21. Detective Comics with Batman
22. Batman: Origin
23. The Origin of Batman
24. The Dark Knight Rises: Prequel Book
25. All Star Batman and Robin
26. Batman and Flash
27. Batman and Green Lantern
28. Batman’s Butler: Alfred
29. Batman’s Buddy: Robin
30. The Adventures of Thomas Wayne & Thomas Wayne’s Wife
31. Batman and Superman
32. Batman and Superman: Origins
33. Spider Lad
34. The Amazing Spider Lad
35. Ultimate Spider Lad
36. General Americana Lad
37. Hulker Lad
38. Hulker Lad: Red
39. Ironboy Lad
40. Invincible Ironboy Lad
41. Thunder God Lad
42. Punishman Lad
43. X-Man Lad & X-Man Lad’s Youthful Pals
44. Ultimate X-Man Lad & X-Man Lad’s Youthful Pals
45. Uncanny X-Man Lad & X-Man Lad’s Youthful Pals
46. Canny X-Man Lad & X-Man Lad’s Youthful Pals
47. X-Man Lad & X-Man Lad’s Youthful Pals: Origins
48. X-Man Lad & X-Man Lad’s Youthful Pals: 2099
49. The Fantastic Four Lads
50. Stan Lee Lad Presents
51. What if? Lad
52. Wonder Woman
* Some advertising finally came out this week for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Its unenviable job: to entice that small window of Americans who won’t read books or watch foreign films, yet know who David Fincher is. Luckily, the ads also feature two things no respectable human can refuse: Tits and Led Zepplin.
* For years George Lucas has been talking about releasing some mysterious movie called Red Tails. We now have proof that the film does exist and will actually be coming out soon. We also have some snippets of plot. Apparently Red Tails is about a bunch of African American fighter pilots in WWII and how they must team up with that weird Fox thing from the Sonic the Hedgehog games to take down the Third Reich.
* There’s going to be a new Tarzan…hold on. THIS JUST IN: There’s going to be THREE new Tarzan movies in the next few years. Studio interest comes from future Box Office results for both Conan and Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Studio scientists have yet to ascertain whether these numbers come from our future or from an alternate-dimension future but…hold on. BREAKING NEWS: There’s going to be THREE new Tarzan movies coming straight to SyFy in the next few days.
* Steven Spielberg has announced that the upcoming Blue-Ray for Jaws will not feature any alterations to the original film. This marks let another small step towards Spielberg publicly outing George Lucas as a “massive ass-hat who daily teaches me how not to do shit.”
In other news…
* A potential silver-lining has arisen from America’s current struggle with an epidemic focused solely on killing domesticated cats and dogs. As millions mourn their lost pets, many have begun replacing their animals with specially trained apes. Early reports indicate a higher level of companionship and servitude from these new “pets.” Though some balk at the apes’ high price tag, others claim that between doing the dishes, mowing the lawn, handjobs, and fielding family requests on facebook, the apes pay for themselves in no time.
Cousin Eddie died this week in Topeka, Kansas. For months, Eddie and his wife, Catherine, had been running from the law for missing court dates related to a slew of unpaid hotel room bills and bar tabs. According to Cousin Eddie and Catherine, however, they were actually running from a highly organized group of assassins.
We all laughed, of course, as we often do with totally insane rednecks. But police say Cousin Eddie and Catherine were both found bound and gagged with two bullets in the back of their heads, execution style. No finger prints or DNA evidence was left at the scene. All investigators found was a shuriken pinned to a wall along with a note reading: “This is over now.”
The Griswalds are all expected to attend the funeral, though no word yet on what the kids will look like this time. Clark, of course, will be unable to attend after dying himself last year when a lifetime of falling on his ass finally caught up with him.
Cousin Eddie requested to be buried in an airtight container filled with beer. Because his wife, Catherine, had no specific requests, she will be thrown on top of Eddie’s casket and covered with manure rather than dirt.