The Week In Fake Movie News
*Warren Beatty claimed this week that he will make a sequel to Dick Tracy soon. Though he does not yet have a script prepared, his impressive cast sheet already includes names such as Leslie Nielsen, Michael Gough, Sidney Lumet, Elizabeth Taylor, Randy “Macho Man” Savage, with a heroine reportedly played by Michael Jackson. Beatty says cameras will begin rolling just as soon as you go fuck yourself.
*J.J. Abrams reportedly sold a script to Disney for lots and lots of money. Being an Abrams project, plot details are still very scant as they likely will be until the film’s release.
All that’s known now is that it’s called 1952, and it’s both a prequel to Super 8 and a sequel to Steven Spielberg’s 1941. A CG-rendered John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd (both played by Andy Serkis) will bring in the Super 8 alien and treat it like shit. Meanwhile, the Japanese will wield a gigantic atomic lizard to retaliate for the humiliations suffered during WWII. Belushi and Aykroyd respond by training the alien to fight for our side in exchange for a one-way ticket back home. The alien agrees and kills the giant lizard. Belushi and Aykroyd then rescind their offer and lock the alien back up, pissing it off further. And then the movie ends. That’s all we know at this juncture.
*Universal will be making yet another Wolfman movie. This one’s called Werewolf, and it’s about a guy from Canada who has big metal claws coming out of his knuckles. Darren Aronofsky is in talks to have talks about directing. When that fails, the film will reportedly be directed by Brett Ratner.
*In an effort to capture the Atari craze currently sweeping the nation, there will soon be an Asteroids film. The film will be about space rocks which break into two halves every time you shoot them and the plucky fighter pilot prophesied to shoot more of them than the older kid down the street who chews Copenhagen and claims to have had sex with Cindy Miller (smell his finger). Darren Aronofsky is in talks to have talks about directing. When that fails, the film will reportedly be directed by Roland Emmerich.
*To compete with upcoming Monopoly and Battleship films, a film based on the board game Risk is in the works. The script is currently being written by John Hlavin, a man likely well-suited to global concerns thanks to the “HL” consonant combination in his name. The movie will reportedly be four-hours long and nearly impossible to comprehend, even with instructions.
*EDITORIAL*
Super 8 was freaking awesome! All you assholes who don’t like it are fuckign cunts just trying to look cool. I guess your just to (airquote)smart(unairquote) to konw a good movie when you see it. Ha! Your loss, faggits!
In other news…
A struggling American toy collector finally completed his long sought-after set of rare Woody’s Roundup toys Thursday and sold them Friday morning to a Tokyo toy museum for the unprecedented sum of two million dollars.
Amazingly enough, collector Al McWhiggin had completed the near priceless set once already over a decade ago only to lose it due to baggage negligence at an airport which cannot be named at this time due to an ongoing lawsuit over the matter.
Since then, McWhiggen has been haunting local garage sales hoping to strike gold, which is exactly what happened last Saturday: “I found them stuffed in a box with a bunch of other crap. Whole thing only cost me two bucks. I took my new babies home and had the rest incinerated. And I’d just like to say, Bonnie, if you’re reading this, thanks a million! No, make that TWO million!” Mr. McWhiggen then cackled maniacally and went on at great length about how much he loved Super 8.
In Memoriam:
A community mourns the suicide of Andy Davis today. Officials at Pittsburg State University claim the sophomore student jumped to his death soon after watching the news Friday morning. He left behind a short note stating with chilling simplicity, “I don’t wanna grow up. I’m a toys r’ us kid.”
Though he will be missed, no one actually knew Andy very well. “He was trouble from the start,” claims Reginald Archibald, Andy’s Drama professor. “Andy simply could not speak to other students. He cried for his mother at least once every class. I’ve never seen anything like it.” Andy’s Human Sexuality professor was quick to add, “Yeah, that poor boy was possibly the most stunted adolescent I’ve ever come across, and gay as the day is long, too.”
Funeral services will be held at Andy’s mom’s house, wherever that may be.
