This week in fake movie news…
*A picture of Tom Cruise’s head photoshopped onto Glenn Danzig’s body has been making rounds on the Internet this week. Instead of condemning the photo, Cruise liked what he saw and quickly put together a film around the photo concept. It’s called Rock of Ages, and it’s a musical about 1980’s hair metal.
*In response to the unprecedented amount of audiences chanting “More! More! More!” after Tree of Life screening across the country, a six-hour cut of the film will run in theaters this Christmas. Along with the extra four hours of narrative, audiences will also be given an audience participation sheet and a smell-o-vision card.
*HBO has signed on to adapt Neil Gaiman’s popular novel, American Gods, as a series. According to the press release, producers plan to “avoid the common pitfalls” that “often plague book adaptations” by “adapting every single page, even the contents and dedication and those weird blank pages books always have at the end.” Anticipating questions about the show’s projected length, the producers claimed, “we think we can get it all in at six episodes, seven tops.”
*It looks like James Mangold will be the director who finally gets to work on the second Wolverine film. Producers believe the 3:10 to Yuma helmer is especially suited to the Wolverine character because he’s already shown a great knack for averring a cold-hearted tough-guy persona onto a central character who is actually soft-hearted pussy that wouldn’t harm a fly the audience didn’t already want dead.
*Batnews! Despite being very very deceased, Leslie Nielson will be reprising his role as Ra’s Al Ghul in the new Batfilm. At this time we don’t yet know if Nielson’s involvement will amount to merely a cameo or something more substantial. But we do have this from Nielson’s own press release: “Boy, it’s great to be back! I really love being alive. I’d just like to thank Christopher Nolan for giving me another shot!” Film Police are currently investigating whether or not Nielson had a secret identical twin.
In other news…
Her Majesty, the Queen of England, hangs her head in shame this week thanks to a seedy sex scandal that could prove disastrous to the security of her country.
In a move that really marks the line where old school savvy departs from new world know-how, one of MI6’s top field agents was caught accidentally publicizing his entire “sexting” history on the British version of Facebook, including pictures. Though no photos of his face were made public, the ribald treasure trove included a generous helping of the agent’s genitals.
According to Prime Minister Winston Churchill, this was more than enough to blow the agent’s cover: “This particular agent’s penis is probably ten times more identifiable than his face. There are two reasons for this. One, we’ve changed the bastard’s face five or six times already for this very problem. And two, according to some rough ball-park figures, there’s a one-in-twelve chance he’s your dad, provided you are a human being born during the second half of the last century.”
The agent in question cannot speak for himself due to his being split from groin to head by a giant laser and fed to sharks less than two hours after accidentally posting the photos.
Half the nation mourns this week as Alabama & South Carolina Senator Forrest Gump’s body was finally laid to rest in Arlington, Texas. He died peacefully in bed, a victim of nothing more than simple old age.
Gump was an unlikely candidate for the Senate. And yet, with his history as a decorated war hero, champion ping-pong player, record setting long-distance runner, and twice-successful businessman, he was also an oddly perfect one. Few took him seriously when, on a seemingly misguided whim, he ran to replace the recently deceased Strom Thurman’s Senate seat in 2003. Gump’s chances were slim if only because Thurman represented South Carolina while Gump lived in Alabama. Gump blindly proceeded anyway and won South Carolina voters over with his aphorisms and catchy, yet heart warming answers to questions from the media.
Once in the Senate, Gump made headlines as a very stubborn advocate for Christian ideals. Gump’s voting record shows a man dedicated to the idea of non-violent solutions. He strongly opposed all manner of war and even fought to outlaw the death penalty. This certainly would have rankled the feathers of his Republican cohorts if not for Gump’s equally passionate stance on abolishing abortion and uniting Church and State. Gump also made enemies and both sides of the isle with his take no prisoners contribution to the War on Drugs, which sought to outlaw not only alcohol and cigarettes, but also all known forms of caffeine and medicine.
Nevertheless, Gump displayed unparalleled skills as a foreign dignitary. His simple, innocent charm warmed the heart of all who met him, and he spent much of his political career shaking powerful hands overseas. Some analysts claim America would have been monetarily wiped-off the map twenty times over if not for Forrest Gump’s intervention.
Regardless of how one votes, no one can deny that Gump was a true original. His accidental life will be puzzled over for years, but he will be remembered for ages.