The Week In Fake Movie News

Now with box office reporting! Also: The gopher wins.

This week in fake movie news…

*The Harry Potter books will soon finally be available as e-books, though not on a traditional e-reader. Rather than go with Kindle or whichever other ones are out there, Potter author J.K. Rowling has decided to market her very own e-reader dedicated solely to Harry Potter books. The device will also be the only way to read new DLC such as deleted scenes and new stories. It will be shaped like a well-worn potions textbook.

Not to be outdone, Stephen King has decided to make his own e-reader as well. From now on, all Stephen King books will be displayed on an AOL sponsored beeper from 1997 at a rate of one paragraph per day. More details can be found on his myspace page.

*It was revealed this week that Robert Rodriguez’s Spy Kids: All the Time in the World will feature Aroma-Scope, the age-old gimmick which lets audiences actually smell the film. Rodriguez will not get the film’s smell across with the traditional scratch-n-sniff cards or piped-in aromas, but rather by shutting off all theater air ventilation and feeding the audience free baked beans and coffee.

*Super 8‘s Joel Courtney signed on this week to play Tom Sawyer, so he can now evoke the childhood nostalgia of people over one hundred years old.

*Michael Bay has declared war on bad 3D. In an effort to make sure people get the Transformers 4 they deserve, Bay has created 2,000 very bright prints of the film to combat under-lit 3D projections. Furthermore, this special 3D print will actually only be 2D, and no one will be told.

*This week marks the third straight week of Tree of Life‘s unexpected reign over the summer box office. So far the film has grossed 340 million dollars and continues to dominate overseas as well, especially in more liberal minded markets such as Asia and the Middle East.

Naturally, Hollywood is already attempting to replicate this success. Next summer, get ready for a slew of liked-minded films such as Kevin Smith’s remake of My Dinner with Andre, Uwe Boll’s remake of The Passion of Joan of Arc, and Shawn Levy’s remake of My Life as a Dog. “For them” Richard LInklater is also in talks to tackle “For us” Richard Linklater’s seminal film, Slacker.

Box Office Box Seat with Bart Bokseet:

Cars 2….......................$28
Bad Teacher…............$13
Green Lantern….........$8
Super 8….....................$3
The Penguin Film…...$1

Cars 2 was never not going to be a success, but the film’s weekend total has cynics and enthusiasts shocked in equal measure. The summer blockbuster game has lately been Pixar’s to lose, and while there’s always the urge to decry unoriginal concepts from the king of original concepts, its hard to judge a company for succeeding on this scale even while coasting. Twenty eight bucks is a lot of dough. Still, this is two Pixar sequel summers in a row, and while Toy Story 3 was both a financial AND critical success, Cars 2 is anything but. We may be witnessing the end of Pixar’s dominance over animation. On the other hand, Brave. Hard to say. We’re all Wichita Linemen, and it don’t look like rain.

Bad Teacher tested whether the foul-mouthed immorals genre had legs with female audiences, and didn’t completely stink up the joint. A thirteen dollar opening is a surefire success for a film with a ten dollar budget. A lot of factors are at play here. Widespread dislike for Cameron Diaz vs. widespread adoration for Justin Timberlake seem to balance demographics out, though sporadic affection for Jason Seagal might have tipped the scales a little bit. Would this film have performed as well without the successful lead-in offered by Bridesmaids? People may say they know, but no one can possibly be sure of anything save Wu Tang Clan being nothing to fuck with. Nevertheless, ladies should probably get ready for an onslaught of dirty films gunning for them next year. Zipidee Do Da Zipidee Day.

Green Lantern is what it is. At this point, the film is an astounding disappointment for all those involved. So far its only made back thirty-five of its reported eighty-five dollar production budget. That’s an ouch. At the end of the day, Marvel’s great green hope did not Rainbow Connect with anyone. Whether this affects future Marvel green lights remains to be seen, but those hoping for a Wonder Woman probably shouldn’t hold their breath.

Super 8. Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Stick to the rivers and lakes that you’re used to.

We’re entering that time again where Jim Carrey needs to fall back on a critical success before returning to family friendly fare the same way Ice Cube needs to be a badass every so often so we all take him seriously next time he takes his kids to college or what have you. (And seriously, what have you?) We all know films like this are “critic proof” but we often forget that no films are audience assured. Banking on blandness is often as risky a gamble as gunning for a zeitgeist grabbing masterpiece. It’s a tough business, this show business. But there ain’t no business like it. No business I know.

Next week, Transformers 3 and musings on whether or not the quality of a film’s 3D even matters.

In Memoriam:

Long time Bushwood Country Club caddy Carl Spackler died this week after falling asleep outside in a drunken stupor. He was found the next day, nearly unrecognizable due to all the animal bites on his face, likely inflicted by the very gophers Spackler battled much of his adult life.

While the loss of a low-grade, dirty caddy of ill-repute may not seem like big news, supernatural investigators and religious zealots alike have been swarming the country club asking questions about Spackler. Apparently, more than twenty hauntings were reported the night of Carl’s death, each describing Carl as a visiting corporeal phantom. One of the club’s more prestigious members, Ty Webb specifically told officials that Carl hovered over his bed and offered him not only the meaning of life but advice on making many vegetarian dishes such as hummus. “Then he unclogged my toilet without my asking. He was a good caddy. He won’t be missed, but he was a good caddy.”

Since Carl died, not one gopher has been spotted on the golf course.