The Week In Fake Movie News

Something’s rotten at King’s Landing Retirement Home.

This week in fake movie news…

*It was announced this week that there will be sequels to both Thor and Green Lantern. While the Thor announcement makes sense, many are surprised Warner Bros would assert a franchise where there is clearly little public interest for one.

In response, a Warner Bros executive stated, “We’ve been following a proven business model from the start with Green Lantern. The first one is bad on purpose, while the second one will be good on purpose. Not to be a dick, but maybe you should let the Hollywood people run Hollywood.” He went on to explain how the next Green Lantern would be much darker, “almost brown, even.”

*Quentin Tarantino sucked on some girl’s toes.

*Well, he did it. After months of promising this Transformers outing would right the wrongs of the last, much maligned installment, Michael Bay unleashed Transformers 3 to a sea of shocked praise. Part of the blame lay with Bay’s expert use of 3D and control over well-sequenced robot action. But the real saving grace had to be Bay’s decision to replace the whole middle half-hour with an episode of Community, which critics gobbled-up and audiences failed to notice.

*Two teenage movie fans getting high in a garage wondered this week how cool it would be if you could pay a reasonable monthly premium for unlimited movie theater viewings. They then realized it’d be even cooler if you could do it for free. They then gave each other high fives and overanalyzed Transformers 3.

*Batnews! Catwoman will have goggles.

*Now that he’s done with Anonymous, a film discrediting William Shakespeare as the writer of The Works of William Shakespeare, Roland Emmerich is now looking forward to some exciting new projects. First up, Genius Found, a film about how Albert Einstein was actually a semi-retarded bum who stumbled upon the Theory of Relativity while searching brown paper bags for booze. Following that, Emmerich may choose to film his latest script, The Conspirator Conspiracy, which details how Sarah Palin was right about Paul Revere after all. He will then write a book entitled, “Reading’s for Faggots.” The quotes in the title are part of the title.

Box Office Report:

Transformers 3 has the biggest dick. Its extensive surgical augmentation was obviously a good call. Meanwhile, Green Lantern‘s dick seems to have floundered, and all the surgery it required now just looks pathetic. The big winner is Bridesmaids, whose dick was quite competitive despite needing little to no surgery at all.

We’ll soon see how Transformers 3 measures up with Harry Potter, whose dick is already seven films long.

In other news…

There were some serious shakeups this week at Florida’s King’s Landing Retirement Community when the gated area’s head of security, Ned Stark, realized that the Community President’s wife, Cersei Lannister, far exceeded the community’s well-documented household cat limit.

Instead of outing her to the President, as less honorable people might have, he gave her the chance to adopt-out her excess cats quietly and peacefully. Rather than appreciate Ned’s honor, she responded by publicly outing her husband’s secret poker games, thereby impeaching him from office, which immediately defaulted to her mentally-invalid son, Joffrey.

With Joffrey in power as her mouthpiece, Cersei made moves to have Ned demoted to Community Laundry Attendant rather than banished, so long as he admit that cats are awesome and should not be limited per household. Though it hurt his pride, Ned met this request before the whole community. Then Joffrey had him banished anyway.

There were many shocked tears as Ned left his immediate family in King’s Landing to live with his brothers, Sheriff Seth Bullock and Rick Grimes, also a Sheriff. As he left, the Community Lawn Gnome told Stark, “You, sir, are a fucking idiot.”

More on this story as it develops over the next two decades.

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