The Week In Fake Movie News

Johnny Depp, mostly.

This week in fake movie news…

*A court ruled this week that none of the four Wizard of Oz movies coming up will be able to take imagery originating from the 1930s film, though everything originating in the source novel is free and fair game. All four adaptations have since halted production indefinitely.

*Johnny Depp is probably going to be in a fifth Pirates of the Caribbean film. There’s hope for this one, though. Terry Gilliam has signed to direct from a script written by Damon Lindelof. And if that weren’t good news enough, Johnny Depp will be mo-capped by Andy Serkis.

*Hollywood is planning to make a Snow White trilogy starring Johnny Depp as Snow White.

*Word came in this week that there may be a Space Invaders film soon. Johnny Depp is in talks to play not only Space, but the Invaders as well.

*Eagle-eyed TV fans noticed this week while watching The Andy Griffith Show that Otis was drinking a Coors Light tallboy and Andy was reading his Bible on an Amazon Kindle. Television critics have swarmed on this news, heralding it as the death of dignity. Television fans, however, have been swarming over old reruns like never before, hoping to glimpse another hilarious piece of advertising. So far they’ve discovered that the Genie from I Dream of Jeannie uses Kotex, Spock’s computer runs Linux, and Archie Bunk enjoys Life of Pi.

*A new photo was released this week from Tin Tin and the Treasure of the Unicorn Hunters. In this one, Tin Tin is reading a book. Still no word on what a Tin Tin is, however. It’s beginning to look like it may be a movie of some sort, though we’re unclear about who made it or when it comes out.

*It looks like there will soon be an Angry Birds films flying into theaters. Casting is underway, and so far some pretty big names are attached. According to sources, Worthless Redbird will be played by Colin Farrell. Little Bird that Divides will be played by Andrew Garfield. Superfast Bulletbird will be played by Michael Sheen. And Fat Exploding Bird will be played by Brenden Gleeson. Due to fan outcry, Crappy Egg-laying Bird and Stupid Fucking Boomerang Bird will not be included. There will be pigs, however, though they will all be played by British people with tape on their nose.

The plot involves a team of disgruntled unpaid construction workers who systematically knock down the buildings they once toiled to erect. Each will wear a jacket and helmet reflecting their bird counterparts. The film will be directed by the guy who did Don’ You Go Rounin’ to Re Ro’.

My Movie Blog!
2011 movie watch-a-thon #264: Men and Black II (three stars). I didn’t like it as much as the first. Got high hopes they pull it together for part 3.

Box Office:
Transformers is still the only movie out right now.

In other news…

Legendary television network, Channel U-62, has finally decided to close its doors this week after years of struggling to compete with youtube, ratings obscured by Tivo, and the increased presence of Japanese television airing in America. Its flagship show, Stanley Spadowski’s Clubhouse, will continue airing new episodes on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim block.

Network owner George Newman has bounced back, however, as head program developer for MTV. Sadly, Channel U-62’s other owner, Bob, still killed himself ten years ago.

In Memoriam:

A shocked world mourns today over the stunning loss of perhaps her greatest city. Last night, the US military fired a nuclear missile directly upon New York City spreading destruction and death to all those who called her home.

Reports are unclear, but the nuclear strike was sent in response to a creature of some sort, which would not fall before traditional weaponry. No photos of the creature exists, but survivors describe it as having “really long front legs.” As yet, no one has been able to offer a more specific account.

Others also mention little “monster things” falling off the creature and biting people, but what happens to its victims after that, no one can agree upon.

We don’t know where the creature came from, or how such a thing could exist on Earth without scientists knowing it.

We don’t know why bullets and bombs had no effect on the creature’s body, yet a nuclear strike did, or if it did.

We don’t know what the creature wanted, if it even wanted anything.

We simply don’t know anything. Perhaps one day, footage of the attack will surface to answer these lingering questions.

In the meantime, we are all devastated by the loss. If there can be such a thing as a “silver lining” in these times, President Palin has announced that, “in honor [she pronounced the ‘h’ -ed.] of the New Yorkers still living in our hearts,” she will solve our nation’s overcrowded prison problem by turning whatever’s left of New York into a maximum security correctional institution.

More as it develops.