TV Review: TRUE BLOOD 4.3 “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dying?”

True Blood is in full swing with plenty of crazy bitches, super creepy scenarios, and lots of bedroom eyes.

Man I am terrible at getting these up fast enough.

Episode 3 got me back on the True Blood train big time. It’s kind of amazing seeing Eric as a “loveable goofball” versus his usual “loveable douchebag.” He’s lost the Eric swagger, the snark, the coyness, and he’s become this helpless, adorable child. A child that could potentially kill all the things, mind you, but a child nonetheless! Oh man, and his little sleeveless hoodie/cargo shorts combo. So good.

So we kick things off with Eric being all hocus-pocused into oblivion, and the witches are all pissy that their right to practice religion has been threatened! How dare that Eric Northman come in here and demand we stop convening! Lafayette’s desperate attempt to superfluously use the words “bitch” and “motherfucker” to explain the pointlessness of feeling indignant is amazing. It’s like every conversation ever had between an intelligent person and a group of self-righteous assholes! It’s just not gonna work!

“What is this, Nazi Germany?!”
“He did look kinda Arian…”

Of course, Tara ruins the moment a little bit by reiterating everything that Lafayette said, but in a way less awesomely sassy, way more obnoxiously shrill way. That girl is AMAZING at that!

Marnie of course has no idea what just happened, but can I say that she’s kind of kicking ass in this role? Bitch is crazy! Okay, not Marianne the Maenad crazy, but getting up there. Marnie is a much cooler character, and after watching her get all sacrificially slashy and depressing at the end, I think we’re going to get to see her play two seriously different personalities. Shit’s gonna get weird!

Then OH MY GOD JASON! They got way creepier with this than anticipated! Crystal (another crazy bitch this season) and the phrase “Ghost Daddy” make me super uncomfortable. Props to the show for using the “old man sits around a campfire” device to tell backstory, though! It even had the little kids with the “And then what happened?!” all eager like. A-dorable. And c-reepy.

So Jason is getting Viagra raped (gross) by the entire female population of Hotshot (gross) including a 14-year-old-ish girl (mega gross!) while bleeding from several bite wounds (regular gross). Usually I haven’t had much concern with Jason’s shortcomings in the past (he kind of always ends up overcoming them and getting laid…), but dude, that really sucks for you Jason Stackhouse! Hope you pull through buddy! Get some rest and try to sleep through all the raping. You’ll totes feel better in the morning!

Was anyone else super bummed out with Jessica glamoured Hoyt? I thought I didn’t care about this story cause they’re just yelling at each other, but then he got all sweet and she got all sad and aw man! It’s totally Willow witching Tara so she would forget about their fight! Hoyt and Jessica are gonna sing a duet later and then Hoyt’s gonna get shot and Jessica’s gonna try to destroy the world!!! … Or she’s just gonna be so guilt-ridden later and have to tell him and it’ll be totally sad. Also, Jessica should not be taking relationship advice from Bill. He is not a reliable source.

Take, for example, his reaction to Portia Bellefleur’s sex proposal. She’s all “let’s have casual sex” and he replies with “I could never love you.” Um, okay, asshole. She reacted much better than I had I just gone through that long winded jibber-jabber and was met with that shitty response. Fortunately, she gets laid anyway, and it’s pretty cool. Except for Bill’s hair. Definitely not cool.

I’m going to choose to ignore Sam, Tommy and Andy Bellefleur in this episode cause BORESVILLE! They’re all just yelling and being dumb.

Pam is the OPPOSITE of Boresville! She is so awesome in this season! She’s all badass and wearing smoking hot outfits and bein sassy! She also wins the “Best Line of the Episode” award AGAIN. Rackin’ those things up already…

“I’ll give you 24 hours to deliver that witch to me. And if you don’t, I will personally eat, fuck, and kill all three of you.”


The episode ended on a fantastic note. Not only did it kill the super annoying fairy godmother, but it killed her in a really bad SyFy channel way! The make up/CGI is soooo bad and a little Buffy-esque, actually (this week’s Most Ridiculous Moment: Claudine withering and poofing away, for sure. Followed by “You just killed my fairy godmother!”). Eric’s little “Oh, sorry…” and his little bloody sheepish grin was totally like a kid that just got caught eating all the cookies in the pantry. You’re just a little fat kid, Eric… who also happens to be super awesome.

Fuck I love this show.