The Week In Fake Movie News

Another week’s worth of slightly off movie news.

This week in fake movie news…

*Daniel Brühl, last seen by American audiences in Quentin Tarintino’s Inglourious Basterds, will by joining the cast of Ron Howard’s Rush, the plot of which involves two undercover narcotics agents who get addicted to heroin and must drive race cars. It’s based on an un-filmed Sylvester Stallone script called Driven, and will feature an original score by Eric Clapton.

*Often dead Sean Bean has been cast as the King in Snow White. But which Snow White? There are two, one for pussies and one for badasses. All signs point to Bean being part of the pussy production. With cameras already rolling, it may be too late for someone to inform Bean he walked onto the wrong Snow White set. If there’s any consolation, Bean might at least keep his head on his shoulders in a G-rated kids story starring Julia Roberts. That’s IF his soul can survive knowing there’s a better Snow White party across the street. Let us all pray to the seven for Sean Bean’s soul.

*New photos from The Amazing Spider-Man hit the web this week. While many found themselves dissatisfied with Spidey’s costume, the twitter feeds for Shaquille O’Neil, Michael Jordan, and Magic Johnson were all very positive. Even the typically dour Scotty Pippen called it “probably the best film since Teen Wolf 1.”

*Since audiences responded so well to the homosexual undertones of Zack Snyder’s 300, Warner Bros. has decided to test the waters and make a prequel about the one character that was actually gay. Xerxes will follow the exploits of the young conquerer as he struggles with parental and social disapproval of his lifestyle choice. The film now has a director, John Cameron Mitchell. Word is, the film’s success or failure will heavily influence same-sex marriage laws across the country, so if you’re dating or married to a “Britta”, this is the corny action film to take her to.

*The first trailer for John Carter (of Mars) was released this week. Sadly, most people quickly assumed it was just another Conan (the Barbarian) trailer and did not click. Those who did click overwhelmingly made a noise that starts with an “m” sound, continues to an “e” sound, and terminates in an “h” sound.

*Diablo Cody is writing a remake of Evil Dead. The expected fan outcry over the announcement has not materialized due largely to the fact that Diablo Cody is not writing a remake of Evil Dead 2.

*In related news, David Goyer is writing a remake of Godzilla. The expected fan outcry over the announcement has not materialized due largely to the fact that David Goyer is writing a remake of the American Godzilla and not the Japanese version.

Box Office:

Harry Potter is now the greatest movie ever made, finally knocking Transformers 3 to second greatest movie ever made. Not only that, but Harry Potter also managed to become the greatest movie ever made for one day better than any other movie has been the greatest movie ever made for one day.

And that’s not all. Midnight in Paris is officially the greatest Woody Allen movie ever made.

Nevertheless, Avatar is still the greatest movie ever made ever.

In other news…

Citizens of London can finally breathe a sigh of relief as the government-denied war occurring above and around them has finally reached its conclusion. Mere days after government-denied reports of a dragon flying over the city, a farmer examining his fields came across a government-denied pile of dead bodies, most of them robed children, all of them holding sticks of some sort. No one really knows what happened because the periodical normally relied upon to shed light on such matters was recently forced to shut down.

In Memoriam:

Construction worker Doug Quaid died earlier this week at a shopping mall Rekall kiosk. Quaid paid for a routine “spy on Mars” memory package, but when technicians attempted to implant the memory, a bit of one technician’s Orange Julius dribbled on his brain. In the ensuing chaos, Quaid ranted and raved about mutants, triple-breasted women, and his “five kids to feed” before his eyeballs inflated and popped. Rather than suing the company, Quaid’s wife, Lori, has opted instead for a lifetime supply of Rekall gift cards, which she most often uses on the “sexually confident but dangerous crime author” package.