TV Review: True Blood 4.4 “I’m Alive and On Fire”

Incest, boys that hate shirts, and skin-rotting! Oh my!

Haaaaaahahahahaha… Bill fucked his great-great-great-great-granddaughter. Props to you, True Blood. I didn’t think you would do it!

In my season premiere review, I briefly mentioned that they were melding two characters into one for Portia Bellefleur, but I didn’t think they’d touch on that. But they did! I’d like to explain further. (Also, before you scream “spoilers!” – this is where the books vary from the show). In the books, Bill does briefly date Portia, but he’s basically doing it to make Sookie jealous. Portia’s kinda frump, kinda dull and actually hates Bill. If I recall, she’s dating him in hopes to get invited to a “sex party” (thrown by a nameless maenad – the books actually barely touch on the maenad thing) so she can find out who killed Lafayette (I know, right!) to clear Andy’s name. She never has sex with Bill, and we do later find out that they’re related.

There’s also another character that Bill dates later in the books named Selah Pumphrey. She’s a hot real estate agent who’s a wealthy elitist, only dating Bill cause he’s a vampire. She definitely has sex with Bill.

Merge the two, and you have a SUPER AWKWARD MOMENT that True Blood executed wonderfully. Ha! That really cracked me up.

Another props to True Blood: I’m so proud of you for not making Jason fuck/get raped by that 14-year-old! That was really big of you. I was really expecting you to sink to your regular, trashy, vampire-neck-twist level of brutality and go for it. But you didn’t! You held back! Instead, you gave us what was actually a really sweet conversation between Jason and Becky. I mean, sure, he still was raped by like, 10-12 women, and they keep calling him “Ghost Daddy” (which for some reason really grosses me out – just like they keep saying “brother cousin” and “sister niece” and “uncle daddy Felton” and all sorts of weird incestual names), but you skipped the kiddie sex. Congratulations!

So let’s talk about drunk Eric. So great! So charming! So dumb! Alexander Skarsgard is just rocking this transition. I actually felt really bad for him when he got all sad and lonely and said “I’ll never swim in the sun again…” I love swimming in the sun! I would also be hella bummed if I couldn’t do so! The scene between Sookie and Bill was a little heartbreaking as well. Well played on Sookie throwing down the “trust” card (although that’s definitely going to bite her on the ass later). Bill’s emotional struggle there almost made me like him again for a second.

Side note: I don’t think Joe Manganiello (Alcide) is real. I’ve never met a single person in real life that looks that ridiculous without a shirt on. Either he’s fake, or I need to start hanging out with hotter people. Goddamn. Of course, it just wouldn’t be True Blood without gratuitous abs. They even had a shirtless face off between Alcide and Eric! These boys hate shirts! And pants! Clothing in general! “KROKODILLE!”

How’s the world of Tommy Mickens? Shitty, but I still don’t care about it! I mean sure, I was concerned when Joe Lee was strangling him to near-unconsciousness. That definitely sucks and everything… but shit. I just don’t like the kid. Same goes for Sam. The entire time he was flirting with his new lady friend and playing with the (super cute) daughter, the lady friend was all giggling like he was doing great and all I could think was, “Ew! Stop it!” He is bad at flirting! He shows up at her house out of nowhere, drops his voice and gets weird with his eyebrows and way too close. Sam Merlotte, yer doin it wrong! Creeper.

I think the last couple things to talk about are Demon Baby and Debbie Pelt. I’m not too sure about DB. He’s just so cute, I don’t believe that he’s evil! Also, he’s really good at writing for his age. Demon Baby is a genius! I’m pretty sure Debbie Pelt is slowly building to a mega-bitch explosion. Also, shouldn’t she have a pretty intense scar on her face from Sookie cutting her? I get that shifters/werewolves are supposed to heal quickly and everything, but they’re not vampires! (That was one of the nerdiest sentences I’ve ever written.)

Unrelated: Jason is totally going to start having the hots for Jessica. Remember when Sam drank a bunch of Bill’s blood and then had that super awkward dream about him?! So good! And knowing that Jessica’s on the train to Cheatersville, I’m a little concerned with this potential looooove triangle… Scandalous!

And lastly, a letter to Marnie’s inhabiting spirit. Dear Marnie’s Spanish spirit: WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO PAM?! Oh my god! She’s so hot! Don’t make her get all rotty and gross! They better fix her. I’m gonna be super pissed if they make her so awesome this season and then hurt her. She is too amazing to die! Or be a zombie!

Please fix her.