This week in fake movie news…
*Harrison Ford has signed on to play Wyatt Earp in a film about the later years of the legendary peace-keeper’s life when, as historic record shows, Earp teamed up with Doc Holiday’s son, Vet Holiday, to take on crime lord Al Capone. As historic record shows, the historic account ends with Earp dragging Capone by horse through New York City and lynching him on the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree to the cheers of millions. But the film will also delve into apocryphal historical record as well, which insists Earp was aided in this quest by alien technology. When asked which historic record this movie would follow, Ford replied, “What movie?”
*Batnews! A photo of Bane was leaked online this week, confirming that he wears the same mask he wore in other pictures we’ve already seen. Of course, fanboys are in an uproar. @Jarred_Keltch complained, “This movie is fucked. He’s wearing underwears on his head.” @RolandDTower concurred, “He’s wearing panties on his face. No sale. Franchise dead.” @999_666 quoted Nietzsche in his his complaint: “If you look at abysses, they look at you back. He’s wearing undies on his face. Bravo, Mr. Nolan. Money lost.” Meanwhile, even my cabbie this morning ranted, “Vat iz zis shit! Vat iz zis shit! No man put undiewear on face!”
*It looks like the new Die Hard film will be set in Russia. In the film, Russia from the 1980s will come back to life, and only John McClaine can stop them from rebuilding their wall. But then it turns out they weren’t building a new wall or fermenting political revolution after all. The whole thing was just a distraction to rob some bank.
All this is really little more than an excuse to change McClane’s signature “Yipee ki-yay, Motherfucker” to the more family friendly “Yipee ki-yay, Comrade.” We also have it confirmed that McClane’s body count in this film will be zero, and he will be able to fly.
*There is going to be an Entourage movie. For those that don’t know, Entourage is a TV show about a group of friends (Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda) and their adventures buying $1,000 shoes and fucking everything on Earth.
*Frank Darabont shocked the world this week by announcing his departure as show runner of The Walking Dead. Word is, Darabont was really excited about working on Season 2 until he actually found the time to sit down and watch Season 1.
In other news…
Finally fed up over disappointment with Barack Obama and disgust with The Tea Party, Captain America has announced his departure from the United States. Henceforth, he will be known as Captain Sweden. When asked for a comment, Captain Sweden beamed, “I never knew life could be so easy and carefree. I should have done this years ago.”
This marks the second great superheroic departure after we lost Superman earlier this year. The trend is especially troubling because Superman and Captain America are probably the two most innocent and happy superheroes out there. Even the Flash has his family living in Greenland nine months out of the year. At this rate, all we’ll be left with will be Batman and the Punisher, two crazy assholes who don’t even have superpowers.
A very very large family mourns the loss of Kevin McCallister, who took his own life this week. According to the police report, Kevin’s wife and two children accidentally left him behind when coming back from an Alaskan holiday. Upon realizing their mistake, they immediately flew back to pick him up only to find his body cold and lifeless. “He’d been left behind so many times in his life,” his wife sobbed to reporters. “I guess it finally pushed him over the edge.”
Especially strange is the manner of Kevin’s suicide. Police say Kevin swung paint cans into his own face, sprayed himself with mace, shot both his hands with a nail gun, burnt his hair off with a blowtorch, electrocuted himself, glued feathers to his whole body, cut off his own fingers, pulled out his own teeth, and then ate his own intestines. Police also report severe blunt trauma done to Kevin’s genitals. Odder still, Kevin clogged the kitchen sink with a rag and left the tap running before he died. His suicide note was written on the walls in blood. It reads: “Now we’re even, you little motherfucker.”
Kevin’s funeral will be held Wednesday. He will be eulogized by his brother,Sen. Buzz McCallister. It is extremely likely, however, that his body will be accidentally left at the morgue.