This week in fake movie news…
*Batnews! Christopher Nolan released the first picture of Megan Fox’s Catwoman draped over a motorcycle this week. As predicted, fanboys were up in arms over the picture, most complaining that Catwoman didn’t have any ears. Others complained about her weird goggles. Most complaints were aimed at how much skin her costume covered. @brett_hart_4eva claimed: “Superhero chicks must have cleavage. As a film blogger, I think I know a think or two about this.” His brother, @brett_hart_4life retweeted this remark to seventeen followers.
Some of these fans have started an online petition to CG cleavage and ears onto Catwoman’s suit. If successful, The Dark Knight Rises would necessitate an extra two months of post production, therefore knocking it from contention as best summer film of all time.
*1/2 But the story does not end there. An audio leak of Tom Hardy’s voice as Bane has leaked onto the internet. According to the file, Hardy has chosen to play Bane with the vocal inflection of an obese, elderly Sesame Street character.
This confirms rumors we’ve heard that Nolan & Co. may be making The Dark Knight Rises specifically to bait and anger nerds. As a testament to their success, both @brett_hart_4ever and @brett_har_4life died from spontaneous mind explosions late Saturday night. They will be buried by their parents, @brett_hart_iz4luverz.
*Supernews! Zach Snyder released the first picture of Fredric Lehne as Superman. Judging by Superman’s posture in the picture and the fact that he appears to be robbing a bank, it looks like Snyder is about as far away from Richard Donner’s Superman as possible and is instead remaking Richard Lester’s Superman 3.
*1/2 But the story does not end there. It was announced this week that Laurence Fishburne would appear in the film. Most automatically had him pegged as Clark Kent’s boss Perry White. With the release of this new picture, however, we can now freely assume Fishburne has been cast as Richard Pryor. Case closed.
*Spidernews! Despite a less than stellar box office haul for the first film, producers announced this week their plans for an Amazing Spiderman 2, promising this one will be much “dark and grittier.”
*The Tea Party has finally united forces with The Westboro Baptist Church to jointly protest the release of Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Tea Party members claim the film glorifies animal superiority while also displaying a pro-evolution slant. They also contend that if you merely add an “r” to the word ape, you get rape, lots and lots of rape.
Meanwhile, someone from The Westboro Baptist Church saw a video of a boy chimp blowing another boy chimp on the Internet once, and since then the entire church has been anti-ape, often calling for complete species annihilation.
The protest started off on-topic, but as the fiery rhetoric on both sides intensified, one party melded with the other and before long nearly everyone involved started fucking each other vigorously like a bunch of bonobos. When they finished, they all watched the movie and tweeted about how great it was. @brett_hart_iz4luverz especially loved the film.
Lexcorp opened bids this week for a new bit of land grown by company president Lex Luthor himself! The exciting new continent is located 23 miles east of beautiful Metropolis. It’s absolutely perfect for those seeking a quiet get-away from the city as it’s accessible only by boat or helicopter. This quiet vista measures a wonderfully compact 3/4 acres by 2/4 acres. It’s currently incapable of growing vegetation, so your servants won’t need to waste time pulling weeds or poisoning pesky wildlife.
The land itself is extremely angular and sharp, perfect for those who love mountain views. Furthermore, walking on it requires special protective clothing, so your wife won’t be nagging you to go on hikes all the time. Best yet, the entire continent is lined with kryptonite, so you need not worry about a certain someone barging in (unless you make him angry enough to negate the effects).
Building on the land is a cinch! All you need it a Lexcorp intergalactic rock-saw and a team certified to use it. In only six months, they’ll have you ready to pour some concrete down on your future dream home! We’ve started bidding at $2,000,000 per square yard. To join in, just look for us on eBay!
Lorna Cole sadly lost her life this week when Neo Nazi terrorists used her, and her live-in maid, Leo Getz, to send a message to her law enforcement husband, Martin Riggs. She was bound in a letterman’s jacket and dropped off the side of a boat.
This is especially hard news for Riggs who already had to bury his dog, Sam, his partner, Lee Butters, and his old partner Roger Murtaugh so far this year. Along with resuming a rigorous cigarette and alcohol diet from his younger days, Riggs has reportedly grown out his hair and upped his Three Stooges intake. Police scanners all over Los Angles report an elderly cop repeatedly catching crooks by almost committing suicide, then not committing suicide at the last moment. While certainly a tragedy, citizens cannot help but praise “Ol’ Crazyhorse,” as he’s been nicknamed, for returning to the effective recklessness of his youth.
Leo Getz was buried in a pauper’s grave, one particularly popular with teenagers due to an urban legend that says your wishes will come true if you piss all over it.