I never really wrote reviews before I started doing these (can you tell?) and I probably wouldn’t do many more after. I am constantly impressed with the actual writers on this site who put up post after post, review after review. These things are super difficult to do! I mean, not on an actual skill level in this case – I write these things like I’m talking to my girlfriends – but in an “Okay. Gonna write this review now. I’m really gonna do it this time. I’m gonna rewatch the episode, and write, and ignore my Netflix queue for a little bit.” It’s a long pep talky process, and I’m super lazy (which is why it’s Friday night and I finally got this up).
That said, these guys are fun to write. For some reason, though, I just didn’t want to review this week’s. I was so please with last week’s episode, so satisfied, that this episode was kind of a let down. It’s crazy, I know. Especially considering how much boning there was. There was a lot of sex, you guys. A lot. There was even a sex montage! All the sex was awesome and hot and creative and probably resulted in some rug burn and bug bites. The rest of the episode didn’t really do much for me though. Am I jaded?
It wasn’t bad. I mean, I already mentioned all the sex, and Pam’s stuff was pretty cool. I don’t know. The pacing was off I guess.
Anyway, the biggest thing in this episode: the Big Bad is coming. Antonia has 100% inhabited ol’ Marnie and is out to barbecue our vampire pals. She’s recruited Tara, fresh out of a dramatic breakup with her girlfriend, and a bunch of hippies to flush out her circle. The only obvious requirement to being a witch: have a blonde soccer mom haircut and some loose fitted belted clothing. I’ve obviously supported Fiona Shaw in this season a lot, but I still have one issue with her: girl cannot stick to an accent. She is all over the place. Fortunately she makes up for it with creepy facial expressions.
Bill comes up with the idea that all the vampires in the area should melt their skin with silver (what a serious evolutionary flaw, vampires!) so they’re too weak to react to the uncontrollable urge to hang out in the sunlight. This idea comes after he over explains all of this to Jessica. Has she been watching the same show we have? We know all of this already! Anyway, she clearly immediately regrets not wearing a longer shirt that day.
Pam got the grossest spa treatment ever, then followed up with an equally gross needle to the temple. She also have the cutest damn coffin I have ever seen. The silver chain mail was a terrible idea. Why would you cover yourself in a blanket of suck when you could just do a few concentrated areas? Especially when you’re trying to make your face not look like alien skin. Ginger getting on top of Pam’s coffin to keep her in was kind of adorable. I find Ginger absolutely hilarious. Everytime she has a little screaming fit, it cracks me up. Solid bit character.
Even the bits with Jesus and Lafayette weren’t as exciting. Jesus was totally being a whiney baby instead of going “Holy shit! You’re a medium!” he was just complaining about how his grandfather “tried” to kill him. Get over it, Jesus. You’re not the center of attention right now. Lafayette’s face at the diner when he realizes that he’s going to have to be the one to stop Antonia – priceless.
Sam and Luna’s “Wha? Who? You? Huh?” was real awkward, but come on, Sam. That’s how you react? Sure, Tommy sucks (we’ve all known this for a while) and should have said immediately, “Hey, bro. I kinda accidentally turned into you last night and I may or may not have fucked your girlfriend. Also I fired Sookie and promoted Jessica. Also I’m a dick.” – but he didn’t say any of that. Every time Sam yells at Tommy, Tommy does something stupid. How the hell do they not see this pattern? Just be nice to the kid! Shit.
Demon Baby’s ghost nanny appears to be French, and Lafayette doesn’t recognize her, so she’s not who I thought she was (I think). She’s also really pretty and has a very nice voice, and I’m fairly certain she wants that baby. Possessing him seems silly, cause he’s a baby, and babies are dumb and have very little control over their motor skills. That baby would be a terrible medium! Either way, I still can’t figure out how Demon Baby is connected to this story at all. I would like some more details please.
I’m having a really difficult time caring about this werewolf pack. Sure, Alcide’s pretty badass, and looks like he just stepped out of that Captain America machine that Stanley Tucci built, but Debbie Pelt really unlikeable. I’m ready for her to go full on Crazy Bitch, cause I do not care about their relationship struggles. Also, Alcide, you are such a liar. Girlfriend is already totally damaged, you’re clearly in love with Sookie, and you’re just making things worse. You are a bad boyfriend, Alcide Herveaux. A bad (but hot) boyfriend.
When the spell hits, that’s kind of where it lost me. I mean, I think it was supposed to be cool and intense, but something about them all yelling “The sun! The sun!” and writhing in their chains with the wind and the reverb was just… overly theatrical. The most ridiculous moment: Bill’s “NOOOOO!” and Eric’s “I. DON’T. CAAAARE.” And really? They didn’t have anyone guarding the front door? And the security outside wasn’t concerned at all? Bill hired some pretty shitty staff.
I don’t know if they’ll kill Jessica or not. That would be a pretty big bummer, but I foresee Jason saving her and making out with her instead. Either way, Hoyt is not going to come out on top. Aw. Poor Hoyt.
I just want next week’s episode. This one was fine, but I’d like a new one please. K thx.