This week in fake movie news…
*There will be a fourth Austin Powers film! In this one, Austin will have to wake from cryogenic freezing to stop a resurfaced Dr. Evil. Because he’s been asleep for ten years, all kinds of funny stuff happens as Austin must learn to live in the 2010s (“What’s a facebook, Baby? Yeah!” “What’s a Snooki, Baby? Yeah!” “Why cookie, Rocket, Baby? Yeah!”). Dr. Evil, on the other hand, sees profits soar as he enters the “straight” world of corporate greed, but misses the evil side of things. Look for appearances from Mini Me, Fat Bastard, Goldmember, and Scott Evil, who is now an old enough character to be played by Mike Myers. We also have early word that there will be Parkour gags. Parkour!
*Sadly, Disney pulled the plug on Gore Verbinski and Johnny Depp’s The Lone Ranger this week due to its 250 million dollar budget. A deal could have been made at $200m, but Verbinski balked at the idea of compromising his artistic vision of on-set jacuzzis filled with redbull, on-set massages by Bikram Choudhury, and on-set catering by Whole Foods. TMZ claims to have photos of Johnny Depp crying over the loss.
*Justin Lin has already filmed the last twelve minutes of the next Fast and Furious film. Not to give too much away, but the ending apparently mixes the Fast and Furious franchise with another long running, but only recently really popular franchise: Final Destination. That’s right! Fast Six will involve the entire gang going head-to-head against deadly coincidences and fucking WINNING! (not the two Columbian guys, though.)
*Stephen King will be adapting Jonathan Demme’s upcoming novel, 11/22/63 for the big screen. This marks both Demme’s first foray into novel writing and King’s first foray into directing, now that he’s officially made Maximum Overdrive a part of the Richard Bachman canon. The story itself involves an alcoholic writer traveling back in time to save Richard Nixon from getting assassinated which leads to an apocalypse which gets resolved when God’s hand sets of a nuclear weapon. King hasn’t said much about the film’s style, but we do know it will have an original soundtrack by the current lineup of The Doors.
*Speaking of Stephen King, it was announced this week that the creative minds behind the Harry Potter franchise will next be adapting King’s massive tome, The Stand. Due to the size of the book, it will actually be adapted into two films. Based on fan enthusiasm, the first film will have a budget of $150m, while film two will have to make due with only $5.
*Details have emerged from the film adaptation of Max Brooke’s World War Z. Right now the plot involves an American dignitary traveling in France who meets the woman of his dreams (Malin Akerman) when his female poodle runs after her male chow. As the dogs fall in love, so do their owners. Rumor has it the dogs will be voiced by Danny DeVito and Diane Keaton.
In other news…
Well, they finally did it! As everyone knows, Scientists at LETAC (Law Enforcement Technology Advancement Center) completed work on their “Full Personality A.I.” program earlier this year with the birth of program SID 6.7. Behind closed doors, however, LETAC had partnered with a Japanese sex doll manufacturer to give SID a body for his beautifully, artificial brain. This week their joint efforts were surprisingly revealed as SID made his television debut on Good Morning America.
With a brain designed for both chess and small talk, and aided by a face sculpted to resemble a young Russell Crowe, SID had no problem charming both men and women alike. He’s already been spotted with Montana Fishburne on his arm at the Final Destination 5 premiere. On top of that, SID has seemingly taken over both Twitter and Facebook overnight, with over 100,000,000 followers and friends, respectively. His Farmville score is off the charts.
But there are signs of unhappiness. SID appears to be prone to fits of violent anger. Though his keepers dispel the incidents as “nothing to worry about,” a few have been sent to the hospital. Furthermore, SID reportedly spends his downtime obsessing over Denzel Washington films, watching them over and over, while crying and screaming at the ceiling.
Scientists plan to smooth this rough patch my making SID a girlfriend named S1M0NE, but no one’s sure if it will work. In the meantime, Denzel Washington and his family have moved to Sweden until further notice.
After over twenty years on the air and billions of dollars in revenue, AMC has decided to cancel The Truman Show due to budget problems. According to insiders, AMC wished to do the wildly successful show at half its normal budget which would necessitate the firing of many of Truman’s family members and the destruction of 25% of Truman’s town.
Series creator, Christof, begged AMC to at least let him have the money to fund a natural disaster or plague to narratively explain the sudden losses. When AMC refused, Christof walked, and with him, everyone else involved.
AMC intended to air whatever episodes remain of Truman’s life as he slowly dehydrated or went crazy from isolation. But because Christof owns over half the show, AMC officials shot him in the head instead. This was not televised. They did broadcast a recreation starring Matt Frewer, however.
Truman will be missed, but AMC has already begun plans to replace the series with a 24-hour program about new superstars SID and S1M0NE and their attempts to make a baby with their Japanese sex doll body parts. It will be called Cyberf*ck. If their attempts to make a baby are successful, the show will be rebranded, The Computer Wore Baby Shoes.