This week in fake movie news…
*It looks like there’s going to be a Rambo V coming down the pike soon. Jason Mimosa, screenwriter and star of Conan: The Barbarian, has written a script for the film, entitled, Rambo: Last Stand. Working closely with Stallone himself, Mimosa’s story takes the series back to its roots. When asked what this means, Stallone responded, “People just love this character. What fans want now is a story where Rambo only kills one dude, then cries at the end of a powerful monologue that requires subtitles to understand.” Early word is, Rambo will be fighting space aliens.
*Morgan Spurlock is now attached to make his first non-documentary picture for Leonardo DiCaprio’s production company. The film will reportedly feature a story in the same vein of Erin Brockovich. In fact, insider word is that the film actually is a shot-for-shot remake of Erin Brockovich, but with Spurlock himself playing every part himself and ending each shot by smiling at the camera like we’re all in on the same secret.
*Tony Scott will be remaking The Wild Bunch for Warner Bros. This new version of Sam Peckinpah’s classic will star Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Terry Crewes, and Mickey Rourke. The updated plot involves a bunch of aging cowboys who must take out a ruthless Mexican general that has captured one of their own. Early word has it that the group may be aided in their efforts by a giant mechanical scorpion.
This is sorry news for fans of the original, as common Hollywood practice dictates all DVDs, Blu-Rays, and streaming versions of the old film be stricken from the planet forever upon the new film’s release. If caught with a rescued copy, offenders can face up to 5 years in a federal prison and a fine of $250,000.
*According to sources who let their own fanboy fantasies interfere with their ability to detect sarcasm. Nicolas Winding Refn will be making a Wonder Woman movie starring Christina Hendricks.
*The Dark Tower Movie Saga continues. After being shut down by one studio, Ron Howard refuses to give up, and now shops the property to every studio in town. They will all continue to say no, forcing him to do the same thing over and over again until he finds the Horn of Eld and blows it. If anyone out there knows which Hollywood exec. calls his dick The Horn of Eld, please send Howard an email at [email protected]
*Disney Animation Studios chief technical officer Andy Hendrickson claimed this week that spectacle is the only thing that matters when making a tentpole film. Story actually comes in third, after Johnny Depp. Many see this as proof that Hollywood doesn’t care about making good films. But it also proves that someone should make a movie where Young Johnny Depp and Hunter S. Thompson travel to the future and beat the shit out of Old Johnny Depp.
*Bob Gale announced this week that Marty McFly hung out with Doc Brown because he wanted to meet the crazy scientist everyone was warning him about.
*Supernews! The plot synopsis for the new Superman came out this week. It’s going to be about a kid who is sent to earth by his parents just before his home planet explodes. As he grows into adulthood, he begins to develop extraordinary powers which, guided by his wholesome adopted parents, he learns to use for the good of mankind.
Also some casting bits: Jon Hamm will play Lex Luthor, Nick Frost will play Otis, and Margo Kidder will play Eve Teschmacher.
*After years and years of waiting, fans of Blade Runner may finally be getting a new movie directed by Ridley Scott himself. Scott announced his involvement this week with a new film set in the Blade Runner universe. We don’t know if it will be a sequel or a prequel. We also don’t know if original star Harrison Ford will return for the film. All we can say for sure is that the announcement is obviously a joke on nerds played by Ridley Scott, who has no intention to actually still be alive when filming begins. He also signed on for a Tom Cruise-starring sequel to Legend and a prequel to his brother’s Top Gun set in a nursery.
In other news…
The eight survivors of last Sunday’s horrible Dave Matthews Band stage collapse have all died this week in what looks to be a collection of highly improbable freak accidents.
For those that don’t remember, college student Billy Browning, his sister, Valerie Browning, her slutty friend Olivia Cunningham, Billy’s black friend, Nathan George, Billy’s cocky man-slut pal, Hunt Hitchcock, nerdy man-slut wannabe, Frankie Isaac, security guard, John Doe, and random mother of four, Jane Doe, all escaped the amphitheater just moments before the incident occurred thanks to an apparent premonition experienced by Billy that all hell was about to break loose.
Somehow Billy accurately predicted that water would drip from the stage ceiling onto a microphone, causing Dave Matthews to shock himself on the microphone, inadvertently making him sound even more “Dave Matthews-esque” than normal, causing the crowd to go more wild than normal, causing the guy in the crowd who planned on blowing the place up to reconsider and leave, causing him to accidentally lock the front door when he left. And then an airplane fell on the whole amphitheater.
The eight survivors considered themselves very fortunate and began to reevaluate their lives thus far. Half of them decided to follow their dream and go back to school, half of them decided to follow their dream and quit school. The other half decided to go homeless and live off the earth. They started saying what they really meant rather than what they felt people wanted to hear. They all made peace with old grudges, and generally looked forward to a future much brighter for how easily they almost lost it.
The first to go was nerdy man-slut wannabe Frankie Isaac, when some construction outside the 7-11 he went into caused the slurrrpy machine to vibrate off the counter, causing him to jump back and burn himself on some hotdog rollers, causing him to spill some mop water, causing him to slip headfirst into a working microwave, which did not turn off thanks to faulty wiring, thereby nuking his face.
Next to go was slutty friend Olivia Cunningham. Ms. Cunningham was at her favorite spa getting a Brazilian wax from a robotic wax-o-matic, when rats in the ceiling chewed through the plastic screws elevating the wax-o-matic, causing it to fall on Ms. Cunninham and violently rip-off one half of her labia. In blind pain and panic, Ms. Cunningham accidentally turned the wax dispenser on full blast, which proceeded to encase her face in an impermeable wax mask of death.
At this point, Billy and Valerie Browning began to understand what was going on. They’d cheated death, and all the survivors were going to be picked off one by one until the books of fate were balanced. Their biggest clue in this mystery was when a gigantic black man told them they’d cheated death, and all the survivors were going to be picked off one by one until the books of fate were balanced. They wanted to ask him if there was anything they could do, or why have premonitions in the first place if they’re all going to die anyway, but the man chose that precise moment to stop stalking them everywhere they went.
Billy and Valerie informed the remaining survivors of their impending doom. Each of them accepted the news with dignity and set off to get their affairs in order while they still had time.
Hunt Hitchcock decided he wanted to go out by nailing as many women as possible, so he cashed his trust fund and did just that. He was up to 46 prostitutes in half as many hours when a bulldozer with the key still in the ignition slipped into reverse, knocking over a hotel sign, which crashed through Hunt’s hotel bed, missing him by inches. Just as Hunt began celebrating his luck, a suspension cable whipped after the sign, severing Hunt from shoulder to hip.
Nathan George, Billy’s black friend, decided he couldn’t leave this earth without providing for his poor mother and mentally retarded little brother, so he decided to rob a convenient store and the police shot him.
Jane Doe, the mother of four, spent her remaining time with her children and newly reunited ex-husband. The family watched old home movies and shed many tears over their impending separation. After putting her children to bed for the final time, she decided to share a little champagne with her husband, her one true companion in life. Unfortunately, the cork popped harder than normal, causing their mounted moose head to fall, its antlers missing Jane Doe’s eyes by inches. After the shock subsided, Jane laughed at how close she came, and stepped toward her equally shocked husband, slipping on the forgotten cork and falling back onto the antlers, impaling herself so severely that her intestines hit the ceiling.
The security guard, John Doe, pushed a toddler out of the way of an oncoming steamroller. He popped like one of Gallagher’s watermelons. But he also popped like a hero.
This left only Billy and Valerie. In a kind of twist, Billy realized that everyone had died in the same order as his vision. In order to stymie death’s design and perhaps save his sister, Billy shot himself in the head.
This appeared to work. Though traumatized by her brother’s sacrifice, things began to go back to normal for Valerie and for the next few days it seemed the worse was finally over. Then an XM Radio satellite playing the song “Satellite” by Dave Matthews Band, fell from space and crushed her.