The Week In Fake Movie News

Nationwide disaster! Tragedy! Massive loss of money! And that’s just the GHOSTBUSTERS III news.

This week in fake movie news…

*Dan Aykroyd went on the radio this week and finally ended his long held silence regarding Ghostbusters III. According to Aykroyd, the film will start filming soon with or without series costar Bill Murray. Aykroyd’s rationalized that the film is about handing the Ghostbusters mantle to a younger generation, so therefore it’s fitting that the older generation be populated with actors no one’s ever heard of before.

Speaking of which, when the radio interviewer asked about the return of Ernie Hudson, Aykroyd responded, “Who?”

*It looks as though Shawn Levy may be making a Frankenstein film for Fox. For those that don’t know, Frankenstein is the story of a scientist dedicated to curing death who reanimates a stitched together hodgepodge of dead tissue, thus creating a creature who looks like a monster on the outside with complex human emotions on the inside. It’s all very sincere and tragic.

For those that don’t know, Shawn Levy is the director of Cheaper by the Dozen and Night at the Museum. Levy is currently looking at Jason Segel for Dr. Frankenstein and Zack Galifinakis for the monster. Early word says there will be a scene where the monster accidentally eats psychedelic mushrooms. Also look for a cameo from Hugh Jackman as Van Helsing.

*Modern Family actor Eric Stonestreet will be playing dead silent films star Fatty Arbuckle for an HBO movie called The Day the Clown Cried. Stonestreet bares a striking resemblance to Arbuckle because they are both fat. The only other contender was Melissa McCarthy.

*The cast of The Expendables 2 is growing bigger by the day. Along with everyone who was in the first film, helmer Simon West is now looking to add Christopher Lambert, Nicolas Cage, Christian Slater, and Taylor Lautner. This is in addition to Donnie Yen, John Travolta, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris, and JCVD. As of yet, no one as spoken of Steven Seagal, and he’s plenty pissed.
With each actor added to the roster, it becomes more and more likely your favorite action movie star will deliver one line of dialog, only to leave the movie two minutes later while Stallone, Statham, and their son, Taylor Lautner, bicker at each other ad nauseum. It’s going to be fucking awesome!

*Kevin Smith has written the first part of his hockey dualogy, Hit Somebody. But not the second part. The second part does have a name though. In fact, both parts do. Part one will be called Hit Somebody: Home and will be rated PG-13 for mild language. Part two will be called Hit Somebody: Away and it will be rated R for retarded.

*MTV is releasing the highly anticipated Hunger Games film one frame at a time. Fans are encouraged to put every frame together and use them as a flipbook if they want to watch the new footage. MTV’s idea is to remind young people of some older methods to creatively entertain themselves, so they can become more productive members of society when they grow up. Unfortunately, it’s just as likely these stupid kids will use stupid computers to animate it for them.

Perhaps this hiccup can be overcome with MTV’s next cross-promotional project: releasing one page per day of their The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo coloring book. Kids hate black and white movies, so they’ll totally have to color it themselves if they want to see new footage.

Box Office:

Movies coming out this weekend were met with a deafening silence due to an unfortunate weather emergency calling itself Hurricane Irene. The storm, the largest of its kind on record, hit the east coast and proceeded to spread west until it had destroyed every movie theater from New York to Los Angeles, excluding only Alamo Drafthouse theaters.

As a result, The Help, Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, and The Worst Movie Ever Made all grossed a total $11, while a double feature of De Palma’s Blow Out and Dressed to Kill grossed $28,000,000. Additionally, beer and bratwurst combos outsold popcorn across the country for the first time in over one hundred years.

In Memoriam:

Mutant terrorist Magneto died in Lybia this week when he angrily called for a steak knife just as his doorbell rang and his iPhone buzzed in his pocket. This distraction was too much for the skilled metal lord, and the forgotten steak knife went right through his brains. Close friend Charles Xavier tried to help Magneto by reading his mind, but, of course, once he got in there all he saw was a steak knife.

American officials at the scene found a scrap book he’d put together filled with pictures and news clippings about Condoleeezzza Rice. He will be mourned until he comes back to life.

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