The Week In Fake Movie News

In which we remember Chev Chelios.

This week in fake movie news…

*Well, the big news lately is George Lucas and the new Star Wars Blu-rays, which feature a host of amendments to the original trilogy that many Star Wars fans are unhappy with. This has not only sparked outrage, but has also kick-started the careers of over 100,000 new comedians on twitter who look poised and ready to take over the joke-writing world. Remember, guys:“Anger is a gift”. Zach de la Rocha said that.

*NASA is trying to distance itself from the newly released documentary Apollo 18, claiming that filmmakers presented narrative elements out of chronological order and edited events to look worse than they really were.

But NASA’s main contention was that they shot footage too on that fateful mission, and none of their footage was shaky or obscured. NASA’s version also included better shots of the aliens that killed the heroic astronauts, and also delved into the astronauts’ lives more with help from Errol Morris. “In short,” the spokesman said, “the project was taken from our hands and ruined. We want everyone to know that we only make good Moon Alien films at NASA.”

*Speaking of the government, Obama announced this week that the recession was officially over, and we could all go back to work. This, after receiving word that Americans were bidding thousands of dollars on a pair of Back to the Future shoes that don’t even power-lace. Glenn Beck bought four!

*Frank Miller, helmer of The Spirit, has been hired to direct Die Hard 5, tentatively titled Die 5ar5e5t (Miller is reportedly also considering the title Die Hard: Die Hard). It will be set in Russia and involves John McClane and his dad, John McCaine, taking down Socialism. McClane’s son will also be tagging along, played by Shia Laboof.

*It looks like there will soon be a Blues Brothers cartoon airing on prime time television. Tall, skinny Blues Brother will be voiced by Dan Aykroyd, while short, fat Blues Brother will be voiced using existing recordings of John Belushi, which according to Aykroyd will offer many occasions for “wacky retorts and beautiful non-sequitors.”

Inspired by Glee, the cartoon will also be a musical featuring cartoon versions of many now-dead black musicians in an effort to “educate youngsters about music history while spreading a message of racial equality.” Aykroyd concluded his pitch by stating, “We are prepared to move forward on this thing with or without Bill Murray’s approval.”

In other news…

*Psychiatrists from all over the country have been reporting a rather strange phenomenon which popped up last week. According to reports, an eerie amount of male therapy patients have suddenly shown signs of repressed childhood sexual assault when none existed before.

Where perhaps one patient exhibited regular and relatively harmless impulses toward obsession, hoarding, and overeating, that patient likely now cuts himself, abuses drugs, and goes out of his way to have sexual relationships only with those most likely to abuse him. So far, no one has any idea what set this off or if the effects are permanent.

Sadly, there have been some suicides due to this sudden introduction of childhood trauma into adult minds. As it is our policy to always publish the names of dead people, a list of the departed follows:


Cab “Mace” Winslow

Roger “Porkins” Smith

Gabe “Qui” Gunjin (AKA Gabe “Gungan” Gunjin)

Peter “Yoda” Vagoda

Guy “Shot First” Guido

Robert “Porkins” Henderson

Obi Heywouldjablowme

Lucas “Luke” Anderson

Gus “Porkins” Starr

Andy “Alderaan” Alderman

Star “Billy” Wars

Piggy Porky Porkins

They will all be buried by their mothers.

In Memoriam:

The world mourns the loss of Chev Chelios this week, after the crazed maniac finally ran out of reasons to keep his heart pumping.

For seven years we all watched in awe as Chev Chelios’ stunning will to live repeatedly took him into crazier, more humiliating situations, each one filmed by cameras then sold to a corresponding television network. After the conclusion of Season 7, however, Chev simply lost the will to live as a “tellie whore” and allowed his “strawberry tart” go dry on purpose. A last act of rebellion from a man many felt had lost his street edge long ago.

As we mourn the loss of such wonderful entertainment, let us not forget that all seven seasons are still available for purchase. In the face of this tragedy, many are on sale right now!!!


Crank Season 1: Chev Needs Adrenaline (USA) $10.99

Crank Season 2: Chev Needs Electricity (USA) $10.99

Crank Season 3: Chev Needs Love (Cinemax) $25.99

Crank Season 4: Chev Needs Food (The Food Network) $25.99

Crank Season 5: Chev Needs to Kill the President (Fox News) $28.99

Crank Season 6: Chev Needs to Make you Laugh (Comedy Central) $18.99

Crank Season 7: Chev Needs to Think About his Life (HBO) $49.99

We ask that you all mourn with your wallet. That’s the only way to tell Hollywood they need to involuntarily bring Chev Chelios back to life somehow.