This week in fake movie news…
*It looks like it was too good to be true. Kevin Costner bowed out of Quentin Tarantino’s Django Unchained. As yet, there is no word from either Tarantino or Costner’s camp on why Costner left the film, though there are rumors that Costner finally read the script recently and was very shocked to find he was playing a villain.
*Fox has decided to move ahead on a TV show about DC Comic character, The Spectre. For those who don’t know, The Spectre is kind of an angry ghost who goes around killing villains in ironic, Wishmaster-esque ways which relate to their crimes. According to rumors, The Spectre will be played by Kevin Costner.
*There is going to be a remake of Point Break. The film will be exactly like the original except for one thing: instead of surfing, the gang in this version will be into street racing. No, I’m just kidding. What I mean to say was, instead of surfing, the gang in this one will be into motorcycle street racing. No, I’m just kidding. Seriously though, instead of being visually comprehensible, this version will be the opposite of that.
*Duncan Jones’ The Source Code will be the “source” of a new upcoming TV series. The show will deal with three agents who jump into people’s bodies eight minutes before they die to help solve crimes. Each episode, they will also fall in love and change history when they’re not supposed to. These hijinks will continuously tick-off their gruff boss, Yosef, played by Oscar winner Kevin Costner.
*The powers that be have decided the world needs a Highlander remake to better help new generations of young women identify who not to fuck. (The editorial content of this news piece does not apply to those girls who should know who they are.)
Also, the new Highlander theme song is expected to be written by Queen and performed by Queen, plus Scott Weiland.
*Another prequel is in the works for Hannibal “The Cannibal” Lecter, this time in the form of a TV show. Right now, details on the show are scarce, but we do know that Hannibal will by played by Kevin Costner.
*Harlan Ellison is suing the makers of In Time for ripping off one of his stories, “‘Repent Harlequin!’ Said the Ticktockman.” His plan for the lawsuit is to make the judge read the story and see for himself how similar the two plots are. The makers of In Time plan to point at Ellison’s hissy-fit history and call him an asshole, while reminding the judge that “‘Repent Harlequin!’ Said the Ticktockman” is a stupid name for a story, and only a crazy asshole would come up with it.
*It looks like John Hodgman will be in Ghostbusters III as Egon Spangler’s son. No word yet on how Bill Murray feels about this. UPDATE: No, sorry. That was just a joke we fell for. It looks like the role of Egon Spangler’s son will actually be going to Kevin Costner. Sorry about the confusion.
In other news…
Two women were savagely beaten in Los Angeles this week by a yellow sponge. Unlike other sponges, this sponge was able to walk, talk, and beat this shit out of white trash. At one point, the sponge was supposedly joined by a starfish, but we do not have that confirmed. The two women lost teeth early in the fight and sustained further extreme injuries when the sponge methodically broke all of their middle fingers off and shoved them up their asses. If anyone has seen this sponge, please get a safe distance away and call the authorities. Do not approach the sponge. He is not as adorable as he looks.
This week we mourn the death of Mater, a tow truck living in a world built by beings with no fingers. Mater died after forty years of running wild with not one oil change, proving that even the most childlike, friendly engines will lock-up on you if not properly lubricated.
After making a strained giggling noise and producing a sizable cloud of noxious gas, Mater fell over dead at his own BBQ. Everyone around him laughed, not because they were mean, but because they though he was farting again.
But Mater wasn’t farting. He was going to Heaven.
Mater’s funeral will be held at a VFW and attended by every car he was ever friends with. Even Lightening McQueen has agreed to show, provided that no one looks at him. Everyone knows he never cared much for Mater, and is only going to rub elbows with Garth Brooks. If he does show, it is highly expected that his tires will be slashed in Mater’s honor.