This week in fake movie news…
*Disney will finally give the go ahead on a Lone Ranger film. As reported earlier, the film’s $250m price tag had put the film in studio limbo. But now that budget has been lowered thanks to the jettison of several supernatural elements such as werewolves, Native American ghosts, and Johnny Depp not playing a cartoon character.
*A Transformers amusement part ride will open soon in Hollywood and Singapore with an additional ride possibly being constructed in Orlando. Using flight simulator technology and people’s willingness to make sense from sensory chaos, the ride claims to put people in the middle of an Autobot-Decepticon battle. The Hollywood ride seems to be working fine, but the Singapore version has already killed over 2,000 workers who were “too lazy” and “too late for work” to “not get stepped on”. This figure actually sits well under Singapore’s peak-season casualty ceiling.
Also, the ride will be in 3-D. Upon entering, each rider will be given a pair of lensless glasses.
*Ghostbusters will return to theaters for three nights this October. According to Dan Ayckryd, the whole thing is just a test to see how excited people get when the see “Ghostbusters” and “Three” in the same sentence. “Otherwise,” said Ayckryd on a random radio show, “we would have used Ghostbusters 2, which is obviously more the crowd-pleasing fan favorite.” Ayckryd then went on to discuss the aliens living in his butt that tell him the future, but only Jim Belushi’s future.
*The sequel to this summer’s Captain America has set a release date for June 27th 2014. That’s three years from now. So many things could happen between now and then. For instance, a little bird told me that Jim Belushi is likely to cause a nuclear holocaust early 2013.
*From our GOOD DEALS department: Joe Swanberg is trying to get films made by asking 1000 people to give him 100 dollars. In return they get some schwag and four DVDs filled with extra features. The DVDs are: The Matrix: Reloaded, The Matrix: Revolution, The Animatrix, Daredevil, and 28 Weeks Later. The schwag is a Bucky Larson codpiece.
*Disney scientists are using cloning to bring the extraterrestrial wildlife seen in the hit film Avatar to Disney’s Animal Kingdom attraction. The project has been spearheaded by John Hammond and will feature a high-tech security system designed and operated by Dennis Nedry. So far, the attraction is going forward smoothly, and life has not yet found a way.
*Dorky cosplay has gotten so popular they’re putting pictures of it now in issues of Entertainment Weekly. This week: Dark Shadows.
*Reclusive director Terrence Malick was caught making a movie in Austin with Christian Bale this week. Malick apparently didn’t know that people would recognize him or the famous actor. He was also not aware that people had phones that could record things or that people could widely-share those things on little TV sets with typewriters attached.
Now that he knows, however, he is scrapping the film completely. Details are scarce, but the plot was supposedly about a pirate who travels through time to save his sick mother with the power of rock and roll. It was also about how beautiful grass is.
It should also be noted that this Christian Bale is the mean one. The nice one is still filming The Dark Knight Rises with Christopher Nolan. The twins are sometimes hard to tell apart, even after being outed in The Prestige.
Fuckign Netfilx! What’s with this Quickster bullshit? What a bunch of dumbass pussies. Fuck this! I’m going to the Amazon thing. See if I don’t!
Stupid facebook! What’s with this top story bullshit? What a bunch of faggot bitches. Fuck this! I’m going to the google+ thing. Watch me, assholes!
Goddam Star Wars Blu-rays! You are so beautiful! I want to fuck you with my remote control! These are the best movies ever!
*Internet Talk Radio Editorial:
Steven Spielberg has reportedly postponed his Abraham Lincoln biopic due to fears that the film’s message will be co-opted by the Republican Party for next year’s elections.
This is a shrewd move. If I were a gay leftist pinko, I’d want to hide the fact that Republicans freed black people too. And just for the record: if old Honest Abe were packing a little heat, there’s a good chance he’d still be with us today.
You know his wife was there when he got shot and didn’t do anything. Further proof that the only women who should be allowed in theaters are the naked ones on stage. Did you know that Lee Harvey Oswald, the guy who shot Lincoln, was a Vegan? AND an actor? Hey, guess who didn’t have an abortion. Abe Lincoln’s mom. Think upon that.