The Week In Fake Movie News

The lawsuit-happy BLACK SWAN intern speaks! Also, a Fantastic Fest report.

This week in fake movie news...

*There's been a lot of talk lately about a Twilight Zone film. Right now, Warner Bros. is reaching out to a lot of big names such as Christopher Nolan, Alfonso Cuaron, David Yates, and even Michael Bay. Nevertheless, the film will come out 2014 and feature segments from Shawn Levy, McG, Joe Johnson, James Mangold and Jonathan Mostow.

*Hugh Jackman would like to do an episode of Glee. No one has invited him or talked about it in any real way. He'd just like to do it maybe someday.

*I am Number Four's Callan McAuliffe has landed a part in Alex Proyas' adaptation of Paradise Lost. It's a mo-cap movie, so saying anybody's going to be in the film is kind of a stretch. So, in other words, Callan McAuliffe's voice and general body shape will appear in Alex Proyas' Paradise Lost adaptation along side Bradley Cooper and Casey Affleck's voices and general body shapes.

*After setting the Internet on fire with his Mortal Kombat short films, choreographer-turned-director Kevin Tancharoen has finally been given the go ahead to make a Mortal Kombat feature film. After the announcement, Tancharoen assured fans that this new film will be in no way related or similar to the popular Internet videos that got him the job in the first place.

*Star Trek TNG fans can rejoice that they're beloved show will finally be hitting Blu-ray sometime in 2012. Each season will go for the low low price of $309.99.

*All the Avengers took a break from filming this week to get photographed as a group for the new issue of Entertainment Weekly. The photo turned out fine, and everyone loves it.

*Wes Craven teased the idea of a Scream 5 this week, returning to a notion floated during press for Scream 4 that the film would be kicking off a whole new trilogy. According to Craven, this second Scream trilogy is all about teens who copy the first Ghostface. Therefore, in keeping with the franchise's ethos, the new films will copy the old ones. Wes ended the interview by promising that the time is right for a Scream 5, and that it will be like nothing you've ever seen before.

*In an extremely bold move, Sony has stopped offering free Three-Dee glasses to audiences. Ticket buyers will now have to pay an additional surcharge for Three-Dee films. Coincidentally, Fox has halted production on Avatar 2 & 3, and most theater chains have begun dismantling their expensive Three-Dee projectors. From now on, the only Three-Dee movies to be produced and exhibited will be GOP fundraising reels and Haliburton training videos.

*Antoine Fuqua will make a documentary about Suge Knight for Showtime. The film will offer the controversial music mogul a rare opportunity to tell his side of the story regarding Death Row records, the death of Tupac, and his imprisonment.

In exchange for letting himself be interviewed, Knight will receive 100% of proceeds generated by the film, whether it generates proceeds or not. He will also put together the film's soundtrack and take all proceeds it generates. Additionally, all Antoine Fuqua directing credits have now been changed to Suge Knight credits. Also, Antione Fuqua was found slain last night, apparently thrown from the roof of a casino.

A WORD FROM ONE OF THE BLACK SWAN INTERNS:

Okay, so I was an unpaid intern for the Black Swan movie, and I'm suing the makers of the film for misusing me. An unpaid intern is supposed to do stuff that will teach them things, but all I did was make coffee and take out the trash and stuff. I already knew how to do that!

Furthermore, they wouldn't even let me talk to Mrs. Natalie Portman. That's against my human rights as an American. They said she wouldn't be interested. But they don't know that!

My goal in this lawsuit is to abolish the whole intern industry by revealing it for what it is: slave labor! My mom did not pay my rent for three months, so I could spend my days shredding documents and grabbing wardrobe. I demand $50,000 for my troubles and a three picture deal, since I'm really in this business to direct. I also want my band, Silent Food, to do the Avengers soundtrack. It's time Hollywood learned who they're messing with. This is class warfare, simple as that!

If some Hollywood hotshot approaches your mom about you doing an unpaid internship, don't do it! They don't actually pay you anything! And the dude will become your new stepdad! And he'll be a total dick about making you put your bike on its kickstand!

Fantastic Fest Report:

This years Fantastic Fest was as awesome as usual. I'd like to thank everyone that came down to help make this the most intense Fantastic Fest we've had yet!

For those who couldn't make the trip, here are some highlights which double as reasons why you need to be here next time around...

*We got to see Human Centipede 2.

* Peter Jackson and Guillermo del Toro participated in a staring contest that took almost two hours to complete. It turned out late in the game that both were wearing fake eyes, so there was no conclusive winner. Del Toro did outdrink Jackson later that night, however. By a long shot.

*Frodo and Merry from The Lord of the Rings had a big argument about the merits of Dr. Who that turned into a full-fledged cage match. Frodo won. His stance was that Dr. Who sucks.

*Ian McKellen and Christopher Lee reenacted their fight scene from The Fellowship of the Rings. They're both in the hospital now and can't wait to try it again next year.

*Free samples of Dr. Soapbox's Free-Range Sippin' Whiskey Oat Lager were given to anyone wearing a T-Shirt that no one else had seen before. I got a taste thanks to my "It's a Hard Knox Life" Batman shirt. It was like drinking Zeus' body sweat.

*We got to see Paranormal Activi3.

Comments