This week in fake movie news...
*There are going to be about 2,000 Frankenstein films coming in 2013, and not one of them will get The Monster's name correct. One however, will be a little crazier than the others. I, Frankenstein has just cast Aaron Eckhart as Adam Frankenstein in a modern day retelling in which The Monster has to fight a bunch of immortals in order to save humanity. Like in Mary Shelly's book, this monster will be able to speak eloquently, investigate existential mysteries, and flip through the air while shooting two machine guns. Also, it will look like Aaron Eckart, which means it will look like Thomas Jane.
*Steve Jobs died this week, and now Sony has swooped in to make the first biopic of this great philanthropist and employer of Chinese children. The film will take a fair and balanced approach to his life up to and including his groundbreaking invention of the VAIO laptop line and Playstation gaming consoles. Look for it just before Christmas 2013.
*It looks like there will be a Farmville film coming at some point. According to the screenwriters, every time you watch the Farmville movie you go up a level and can watch more of the Farmville movie next time but only if you send a text to everyone in your phone asking if they want to come watch it with you.
*Problems are brewing on the Judge Dredd project. According to reps, director Pete Travis has been fired from the project during post production. A scab director will step in to oversee massive reshoots. Apparently, the film's producers were shocked to discover that the film looked like a Judge Dredd movie, rather than the Atonement homage they were hoping for.
*Johnny Depp is looking to produce a biopic of Dr. Seuss with hopes to play the good Dr. himself. According to Depp's reps, Depp's Dr. Seuss will look like Gargamel from The Smurfs and sound "not dissimilar from" the Swedish Chef from the Muppets.
*Clint Eastwood may come out of acting retirement to be in the upcoming baseball film Trouble With the Curve. While jokers all over the Internet have commented that the aged and leathery Eastwood will be staring as a baseball mitt, early word on the script states that Eastwood as a baseball mitt will only be a supporting role.
*Tower Heist, the new film from Brett Ratner will be hitting VOD three weeks after release for the low low price of $1,000,000. It will be seen by 1% of America who will deem it "hilarious".
*It looks like another Firefly movie could happen. Joss Whedon has announced that he will make nine episodes about each member of the Serenity crew leading up to a new feature film. Fans were ecstatic until they realized they'll have to sit through nine episodes with no Mal and one whole episode each devoted characters they could care less about like Simon and that babbling crazy girl. They have now begun a petition to have the whole project scrapped before it can begin.
*Lionsgate released five Hunger Games District Seals this week, however, they failed to tell me what the fuck a district seal was and why I should give a shit.
*The Coen Brothers are involved in making a quirky LA Detective comedy called HarveKarbo for Fox. Infinitely clever as they are, the brothers have pre-designed the show to abruptly end only three episodes in.
*Jason Statham may join The Fast and Furious 6 & 7 ensemble, which are shooting back to back very soon. The star's involvement will remain up in the air until tests can be done to determine whether Statham can be photographed with both The Rock and Vin Diesel without having all the film catch on fire. John Waters may also appear in the films.
The world lost a soldier this week when Marshall Murdock took his own life after decades of dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Murdock never actually served active duty. He was always more a bureaucrat than man of action. And he would have lived his life out that way had John Rambo not given him a war he'd never forget in 1984.
Ever since then, Murdock lived in paranoid squalor. In 1986 he lost his wife and his children and home and was locked in an asylum for his own safety. After release in 1996, he worked in various restaurants until finally getting a job working for Sheriff Will Teasle on the Hope, Washington Police Department. Though prone to wild, violent outbursts, Murdock kept this position until the day he died. He literally did not take one day off in fifteen years.
According to coroner reports, seventy- year old Murdock wrote a final note to John Rambo, stating, "I fear you no longer, savage spectre of death," then willed his heart to explode. His funeral will be monday, and his casket closed.