The Week In Fake Movie News 10/16/2011

This week in fake movie news..

*An anonymous woman is suing FilmDistract because she felt Drive was not enough like a Fast and the Furious film. The woman's name has not been released for fear that identification will make it easier for Terminators from our war-torn future to find her and protect her from freedom fighters from our war-torn future.

*It came out this week that for Disney's John Carter of Mars adaptation to get a sequel, it will have to gross around $700 million. This pressure to produce a hit helps explain why Disney decided to drop "For Nerds Only" from the title earlier this year.

*A poster for the Farrelly Brothers upcoming Three Stooges film came online this week. For those that don't know, The Three Stooges is about three stooges that hit each other a lot. It features an all-star cast including Grant Lee as Moe, Kenny MacIntosh as Larry, and Dan Weston as Shemp.

*Screenwriters have been hired to create a remake/sequel/prequel to Top Gun. It may or may not have Tom Cruise in it. That all depends on whether or not Maverick and Goose were friends in preschool. We will, however, find out that Ice Man was abused as a child.

*A plot synopsis of Taken 2 has come online and it has the Internet up in arms. According to the synopsis, the film will revolve around a fighting tournament in which Leslie Nielson must participate. Along with the human fighters, the tournament will also feature a panda, a kangaroo, a Kabuki robot, a guy in a jaguar mask, and a fighter made of wood blocks.

*The trailer for a new Alvin and the Chipmunks film was released this week. The title for this one is Chipwrecked, and the plot revolves around a chipwreck in the middle of the chocean. Because so many kids complained about non-chipmunk scenes in the first two films, the filmmakers have use this opportunity to drown all the human characters and focus on the three chipmunks having a great time on a tropical island filled with fart monsters.

*Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane did an interview this week where he revealed his plans to do an updated Flinstones cartoon as well as his wish to produce a new Star Trek TV series. That would put quite a lot on MacFarlane's plate which is already filled to capacity with deals to bring Lost back to television, adapt The Wire for broadway, and fill Andy Rooney's vacant spot on 60 Minutes.

*Netflix went back this week on its idea to start a separate service called Qwikster. In a press release, Netflix had the following to say: "We may have jumped the gun a bit on this one. Apparently, we misspelled the word 'Quickster' in not one but two different ways. We are currently working hard to fix our mistake and will hopefully have an amended announcement in the next few weeks."

*It looks like Die Hard 5 finally has it's title. From now on we can refer to the film as A Good Day to Watch Die Hard. Apparently, this whole time Die Hard 5 was just a 3D rerelease of Die Hard 1. Man do we feel stupid.

*With the addition of Monster director Patty Jenkins as its director, Marvel has decided to push Thor 2 from July to November 2013 in an attempt to improve its Oscar chances.

*It looks like Johnny Depp's Lone Ranger will actually happen now that Depp has taken a huge pay cut. This has long been a passion project for Depp, who sees his role as Tonto as an opportunity to pay tribute to Native Americans. "Indians have always been sidekicks and fools in Hollywood films, and I aim to change that," remarked Depp this week. "It'd be great to get a real indian to play Tonto, but that's just not going to happen because they're all too drunk and women dislike their strange skin."

*It looks like Tower Heist will not be coming to VOD after all. Universal buckled under the pressure of exhibitors this week and shelved the idea to offer its film exclusively to rich people for home viewing. Donad Trump is especially disappointed because he was looking forward to learning about how to steal towers.

In other news...

A rescue team traveled to the Antarctic in an effort to unlock the mystery of what happened to United States National Science Institute Station 4. Upon arrival they found the outpost in shambles, destroyed by what appeared to be a series of deliberately planted explosions.

The bodies of two men, helicopter pilot R.J. MacReady and a worker only identified as "Childs", were found frozen, lifelessly exposed to the outside elements with an empty bottle of scotch between them. After several attempts, "Childs" was resuscitated and brought back to America as experts scoured the wreckage for clues as to what happened. No word on his current condition.

THIS JUST IN! We have breaking news that "Childs" has been assassinated by a blue-collar ex-wrestler wearing black sunglasses. If these early reports are correct, "Childs" was burned to death in his hospital bed. Luckily, the Get Well Puppy visiting him from the Hospital Hounds program was unharmed in the attack. More on this story as it develops.