This week in fake movie news…
*News broke this week that both Joseph Gordon-Levitt and FX wiz Tom Savini may join Quentin Tarantino’s Django Unchained. The film is looking to start filming late 2016 as soon as its all done casting.
*Zombie master George Romero is making his first zombie film from someone else’s source material. According to reports, he’s going to adapt Steven C. Schlozman’s The Zombie Autopsies, which sounds like a good movie. Steven C. Schlozman will, in turn, adapt Diary of the Dead, which sounds like a good book.
*It looks like Warner Bros’ live-action adaptation of Akira is really going to happen. A spokesperson announced the news this week. He then went on to say it would be nothing like the anime classic upon which it’s based, a statement that produced an outward howl of fury and inward sigh of relief for fans.
*A funny video was released this week of a mumbling Harrison Ford pushing buttons on a controller intercut with screen footage of Calista Flockhart’s son playing Uncharted 3.
*Batnews! Christopher Nolan make take advantage of bottled lightning for his third Batman film by filming at the Occupy Wall Street movement. Will it work in the film or just be a distraction? We’ll all find out when the film finally finishes principal photography late 2016.
*A man is suing The Hangover Part II for ripping off his life. The Hangover Part II is counter-suing with an identical charge. The Hangover Part One is still deciding who they should sue and whether or not they are open to a suit themselves. Dude Where’s My Car has decided to abstain. More as this develops.
*Transformers is going into sequel mode big time with announcements this week that, with or without Michael Bay, parts 4 & 5 will film simultaneously and Jason Statham may take over acting duties as Sam Witwicky, thus bringing forth an unprecedented conflict for movie fans who hate stupid shit, yet love shit that kicks ass.
*It was announced this week that there may soon be a Hulk TV show. It was also announced that there may be a Punisher TV show. It was announced five years from now that there will be a Hulk vs. Punisher TV show. It was announced five years, two months from now that the Hulk vs. Punisher TV show has been cancelled despite an online petition. It was announced six years from now that there will be a Hulk vs. Punisher Movie. It was announced seven years from now that Nathan Rabin has graded Hulk vs. Punisher a “Fiasco” on his My Year of Flops column.
*Ben Stiller has signed on to direct a horror film. It will be called [insert sequel to Ben Stiller starring vehicle here, pat yourself on back for being hilarious].
*The Fast and the Furious franchise is going to film parts 6 & 7 back to back. Not only that, but Jason Statham may take over acting duties as Sam Witwicky.
*GM has announced that it is looking to get into the filmmaking game by financing a remake of Cannonball Run. The film will be called Cannonball Run II and will star Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise. Rather than tell GM that Cannonball Run is not a reboot, but a sequel, and that someone already made it a long time ago, or that Dom DeLuise is dead, a government-funded arts program granted GM $6 billion to make it happen.
*Ben Affleck has been hired to direct an new adaptation of Stephen King’s The Stand. The story is about a virus that wipes out 99% of the population. The survivors must chose between joining evil Randall Flagg up in Back Bay or good Mother Abigail down in Southie.
An entire apartment building mourns the loss of fellow tenant, Moses, after he was found him hanging dead in a London police cell. Officially, he hung himself, although that ruling has been challenged by a large number of Moses supporters who claim his wrists showed evidence of rope cuts and his face was badly beaten. Moses was in the cell for the brutal murder of several people, including two police officers.
To many, Moses was just another thug, but those who lived in his neighborhood insist he was a hero. According to them, big furry aliens were responsible for the deaths, and it was Moses who risked his life to kill them all. Due to the wild nature of their story, their testimonials have been thrown out. The police are calling this case closed.