The Week In Fake Movie News: Season of the Witch

Another week of fake movie news, plus experts discuss whether or not your surveillance cameras attract ghosts.

This week in fake movie news…

*It looks like there’s going to be another two Independence Day sequels. Right now, the only things holding the film back are budget and casting issues. Will Smith has signed on for a $50 million payday for both films, while the studio just laughed at Jeff Goldblum and Bill Pullman’s request for $5 million each. Current negotiations have stalled, but producers have publicly stated they’ll go ahead with the films with or without Jeff Goldblum and Bill Pullman.

*James Cameron is producing a remake of Fantastic Voyage, likely to be directed by Real Steel‘s Shawn Levy. Just like the first one, the film will focus on a scientist who shrinks himself down small enough to have adventures inside someone’s body. This version will star Dennis Quaid and Martin Short.

*Syfy Films has acquired the rights to George R.R. Martin’s Wild Cards superhero anthology series. This gives Syfy Films a rare opportunity to pick from a whole universe of heroes to fight giant insect/reptile/marine hybrids with Keri Wuhrer and Orlando Jones.

*Simon West may direct a mo-cap 3D war film starring Matthew McConaughey, Gerald Butler, and Sam Worthington. The film’s current title is Manmeat Ahoy!, but producers are considering changing it to Vibrators Ahoy!.

*Arnold Schwarzenegger has attached himself to yet another film. This one is called Black Sands. Arnold will play a guy who kills a gun maker and his entire private army. The film is all set and ready to be hated upon release for being horrible only to become a cult masterpiece twenty years later for being horrible. It reportedly even has a chubby fat guy who wears chainmail as its center villain.

*Writers of the impending new Beetlejuice film are doing some crowd control concerning the legacy of the original. According to comments made this week, the film will only go forward if Tim Burton gives them his ble$$ing and if Michael Keaton comes back. They also wanted everyone to know that the film is not a remake, but a reboot. The difference is, one word ends with the word “make” while the other ends with the word “boot”. If fans aren’t happy with that, they will next call it a reimagining. If that’s still a problem, they’ll try out the word “prequel”. After that, they’ll go with “homage”, and when that pisses everyone off, they’ll just give up and call it Beetlejuice 2.

*Problems with the film adaptation of Pride and Predudice and Zombies just keep coming. This week director Craig Gillespie dropped out after losing too much time failing to cast a leading lady. Everyone wants to make this film, but it seems no one is able to turn the genre mashing property into something that attracts both horror and costume drama fans instead of repelling them both, leaving only really confused old people as the film’s core audience.

*Someone in their basement made a fake The 3 Stooges poster and put it on the Internet this week. The fake poster is so bad that it’s affecting public perception of the real film. It’s gotten to the point that Peter and Bobby Farrelly have decided to hire writers to fast-track a sequel for their hit Dumb and Dumber called Dumb and Not the 3 Stooges-er.

*Steven Spielberg told everyone this week that even he didn’t really like the latest Indiana Jones film, blaming the whole thing on George Lucas except the “nuke the fridge” part, which was his idea. In return, George Lucas blamed Steven Spielberg for everything in American Graffiti except the drag race, which was his idea.

*Eddie Murphy announced this week that he’s all done being stupid. Not only will be making a return to R-rated pictures, but he’s also nixed the idea of doing a Beverly Hills Cop 4 because the concept seems just so ridiculous. He’ll be doing a Beverly Hills Cop TV show instead.

*For the 5th time, it looks like The Dark Tower adaptation is really going to happen. The news now is that the TV elements of the monster project will air on HBO. Furthermore, it looks like a good $50 million of the budget has been wiped away due to a simple rewrite of the ending. This is good news for anyone who likes movies that don’t completely piss you off.

In Other News…

Families across America are planning to turn off their surveillance cameras over Halloween this year out of fear that they attract paranormal activity. Experts in the ghost-hunting field, however, are unanimous in calling this practice both poorly conceived and dangerous. As one professional hunter put it, “Ghosts aren’t interested in doing stuff on camera. People don’t seem to realize that the things attracting ghosts now are the same things that attracted ghosts a hundred years ago: giant boobies.”

In Memoriam:

Charlie Kelly, janitor and co-owner of Philadelphia’s infamous Paddy’s Pub, died this week after drinking a clean glass of water. He was mysteriously dropped off outside an emergency room despite clear signs of advanced decomposition. His body was about to be cremated as a John Doe until he was recognized by a mortician who briefly worked with Kelly at a child beauty pageant.

Charlie lived a sad life. After being molested by his uncle as a child, Charlie regressed into an arrested state of adolescence and never emerged. Despite a strong problem with illiteracy, he showed signs of a natural gift for songwriting which, sadly, was never developed.

Possibly due to the costs involved with cremating a body, Charlie’s body was returned to the morgue after its discovery with a note explicitly ordering that he still be cremated as a John Doe, which he was. No funeral will be held, as the other owners of Paddy’s Pub insist they already had one for him several years ago.

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