The Week In Fake Movie News: The Quickening

This week in fake movie news…

*Batnews! Hans Zimmer wants YOU to contribute to the next batfilm’s score. The composer has set up a website where you can lend your voice as part of a choir/chant that will appear in the film. While an interesting idea in its own right, insiders say the concept is a tactic to raise ticket sales by bringing in the “will randomly contribute to soundtracks, but doesn’t like Batman” demographic.

*A Good Day to Die Hard has narrowed it choices for John McClane’s son down to four. As it stands right now, it could go to the guy from Breaking Bad and three other assholes I’ve never heard of and are, therefore, bad actors.

*According to sources, J.J. Abrams is looking to cast Benicio Del Toro for Star Trek 2 (official title). Tensions are running high among fans of the original Star Trek 2 who are worried that Del Toro is being brought on to play Khan, that film’s iconic villain. More level-headed fans, however, realize that J.J. Abrams would never do such a thing and believe Del Toro will be playing a Klingon.
THIS JUST IN: Del Toro will be playing Khan. Level-headed fans admit they don’t know much about the films and had confused J.J. Abrams with Steven Soderbergh.

*It looks like Ridley Scott is going to be making a sequel to his seminal 1982 film Blade Runner. Insiders close to Scott claim the new film will revolve around a race of immortal beings who can only die by having their heads cut off.

*People excited about a sequel to this summer’s X-Men: First Class should be pleased to know that its sequel will be written by Simon Kinberg, the hot shot screenwriter of such hits as X-Men: The Last Stand.

*After the success of The Smurfs, it looks like Hollywood is chomping at the bit to bring Popeye to the big screen. Early talks have Robin Williams tagged for the starring role with Robert Altman directing. It will be a musical with songs provided by either Queen or Harry Nilsson. They haven’t found a leading lady to play Olive Oyl yet, but the high profile role should attract many of the 10,000 Hollywood actresses physically suitable for the character.

*More news on the rapidly developing live-action Akira remake. CG-created actor Garrett Hedlund is the current front runner for the role of Akira (Kaneda in the original), so the film may not be as live action or good as we originally thought.

*There was a bunch of James Bond news this week.

*The guy in charge of Universal Studios went on a rant this week to a cabbie who moonlighted for TMZ. In the candidly recorded diatribe, the guy lambasted several Universal films that could have been better, but weren’t because he was the guy in charge of getting them made.

The big film’s on the guy’s list of crimes were Land of the Lost, The Wolfman, and Cowboys and Aliens, which all cost lots of money but turned out disappointing. The cabbie had nothing to add to his argument because he had not seen these pictures.

By the end of the speech, the guy had admitted that he makes bad pictures on purpose, and it breaks his heart. Good movies, films like Scott Pilgrim and United 93, don’t make money, so he can’t justify bringing them into existence. As an example, he stated that they would never make A Beautiful Mind again, to which the cabbie replied, “That’s okay.”

But then, just when he was about to arrive at his destination, the movie studio guy called Babe: Pig in the City the shittiest film Universal Studios had ever made. This opinion caused the cabbie to slam on his breaks, pull the guy out of his cab, and beat the shit out of him. That cabbie is now head of Universal Studios, though he still moonlights for TMZ.