The Week In Fake Movie News: Breaking Dawn

More news that wasn't, plus a guest review by film critic Almond Blight.

This week in fake movie news...

*Another beloved childhood cartoon is headed toward the big screen! Universal announced this week that they're going to produce a computer animated Woody Woodpecker feature next year. However, due to concerns that Woody's name makes it too easy for childish sexual double entendres, the character will now be called Bonery Bonerdick and his beak will actually be a penis.

*J.J. Abrams announced this week that shooting will begin on Star Trek 2 sometime around January 2013. He seems optimistic that the film will come out in time for the 2020 Christmas season.

*As you remember, movie website IMDB was sued last week by Julia Roberts for revealing her actual age to the public. After days of behind closed doors negotiations, a California judge has ruled that fact-based movie websites cannot be sued for telling the truth, and Roberts will just have to learn to cope with everyone knowing that she's 29 years old.

*The guy who wrote Benjamin Button will be scripting a film about Cleopatra for David Fincher. Likely, the film will look so beautiful that it takes two viewings to realize what a selfish asshole the main character is.

*The guy who wrote Se7en will be scripting a 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea film for David Fincher. This news has been met with much excitement from fans of gory police procedurals who forget this is an underwater kids film written by the guy who also wrote Sleepy Hollow, 8MM, and The Wolfman.

*The guy who wrote The Social Network hung out with David Fincher last night. Their entire dinner conversation was captured on film and is already being heralded as the greatest documentary ever made.

*Tim Robbins and Adrien Brody have both been cast for a film about famine in WWII China. Tim Robbins will reportedly play Sammo Hung while Adrien Brody will likely star as Bruce Lee.

*The Rampage game is being developed for the big screen. For those that don't remember, Rampage was a game where King Kong, Godzilla, and the Wolfman beat the shit out of cities looking for food. Due to license issues, King Kong and Godzilla will not appear in the film, so it will fall upon the Wolfman-thing that no one ever wanted to play to carry the film. Producers are already recording their DVD audio commentary blaming this problem for the film's box office failure.

*Steven Soderbergh is reportedly no longer working on The Man From U.N.C.L.E. The director walked away from the film this week after studio heads showed him a huffingtonpost article about how kids no longer liked their uncles and demanded the film change its name to The Man From D.A.D.

With Soderbergh gone it's unclear who will now direct The Man From D.A.D. So far the studio has reportedly talked to Brett Ratner, Peter Weir, and Ridley Scott.

*With the recent death of Steve Jobs, it was only a matter of time before Hollywood made their first biopic of the man's life. At this point they are still in the casting phase. According to reports, the Jobs role is down to two actors, George Clooney and ER's Noah Wyle. It's simply a matter of calculating which actor is more popular and recognizable to filmgoers.

*An Expendables II poster was released this week showing that, while it's not difficult to make guys like Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren look cool, it's pretty much impossible to make Chuck Norris look like anything other than a hick twerp.

*The Baz Luhrmann 3D Great Gatsby joke grew to brave new heights this week as several mocked up character photos of Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, and Carey Mulligan hit the Internet. We look forward to the joke growing more and more ambitious until the actual fake movie comes out sometime late 2012.

EXCLUSIVE! Guest Reviewer Almond Blight reviews this weekend's Breaking Dawn pt. 1.
Twilight: IV and How the Feminist Movement Finally Got its Period 

by Almond Blight

Bella Swan is our daughter, our sister, our friend, and our family. We fear for her from our empty kitchens and quiet living rooms because she has aged beyond our grasp. We can only trust that the tools we gave her throughout her childhood will help her make the right choices as she moves into adulthood. 

And that is why the Twilight Saga hits such a raw nerve, causing many of us to embrace it's cathartic power while others flat out deny its strength for fear of the pain it will cause their fragile human psyche. The film transforms us into something akin to Margaret Dumont--hero of most Marx Bros films--as she tries to control the brothers only to later give up and trust they know what they're doing. Of course, they do. Freedonia wins the war at the end of Duck Soup, after all. But it's nevertheless difficult for her (and us) to hand over the reins to them (or Twilight).

Every daughter, sister, and mother in America needs to see Twilight IV. The story is truly an inspiring polemic on woman's right to choose not to abort her dangerous offspring. Everyone in the film attempts to tell Bella what to do, but she bravely insists upon doing what is right instead, even if it kills her. That is true strength. I was a pro-choice Jewish black man before watching Breaking Dawn, but now I'm a pro-Bella Jewish black man.

This is what a woman should look like, people: thin, slightly nauseous, and determined. This is the woman Harriet Tubman envisioned for the future. Bella's gaze pierces us in the eye, forcing us to confront who we are in her shadow. Could you do what Bella does here? Are you certain?

From the male perspective, we are filled with jealousy for victorious Edward and empathy for jilted Jacob. With the latter, we truly see that despite their nature as wild beasts, Native Americans can love (and lose that love) as hard as any civilized man. With Edward, we are forced to face the horrifying fear that comes with losing a loved one. And unlike most of us, Edward would have a whole infinity to mourn his loss. The film wisely alludes to the possibility that only Bella keeps Edward from returning to a life of eating serial killers just as they are about to serial kill somebody. This is deep stuff, people. There are all kinds of angles from which to approach it.

But none of that matters. This is Bella's story. In it, the little girl we fell in love with becomes a woman. You can no longer touch her like a little girl. She needs to be touched like a lady. She's begging you for it. Maybe you do it once, but that's not enough. She wants it again and again. Because she's a woman now. And so our role in her life shifts, and that's difficult for us to accept. But it's completely natural, and you shouldn't be embarrassed.

We should learn to locate the Bella inside us all and begin to touch her like an adult. Breaking Dawn gives us our first lesson how. And it's a marvel.

God bless.


This has been Twilight: IV and How the Feminist Movement Finally Got its Period, written and conceived for the Internet by Almond Blight. You're welcome.