Sam Strange Remembers: YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN

The Hollywood legend recalls every joke in one of his funniest movies.

I made a movie one time called You Don't Mess With the Zohan. I don't remember what it was about, but I do remember hearing people talk about how unfunny it was.

I'm sorry, but that's impossible. I'm a funny guy. Therefore, everything I do is funny. Like, I'm sorry if you can't get your head around the math, but these are facts we're talking about. It's why I have such a difficult time being serious.

Anyway, You Don't Mess With the Zohan is hilarious. Maybe the funniest movie ever made, even. And to prove it I'm going to make a list of every joke in the film. So prepare to die from choking on your own puke because you laughed so hard that you puked and choked on it.

You Don't Mess with the Zohan

Coming to America: The First 30 Minutes

The Zohan has a big crotch.

The Zohan movies his pelvis like he's doing an invisible hula-hoop.

People at the beach enjoy a weird yellow soda.

The Zohan catches a hacky sack in his ass.

The Zohan single handedly wins a tug of war match against a live bull.

The Zohan gets a high-five from a pelican.

The Zohan eats hummus.

The Zohan is naked and we see his ass.

The Zohan uses weird yellow soda to cook fish.

The Zohan shakes his ass.

The Zohan catches a fish in his ass.

People shoot the words "disco disco" into a paper target.

John Turturro says stuff.

The Zohan is wearing a Mariah Carey T-shirt.

The Zohan dips a chocolate candy bar into hummus.

The Zohan spins a pair of scissors on his finger like a basketball.

The Zohan eats something called "babba ga noosh" with his parents.

The Zohan's dad dips his glasses into hummus and eats it.

The Zohan's dad pours hummus into his coffee cup and drinks it.

The Zohan is crying.

The Zohan says the words "Silky smooth."

The Zohan says the words "So let's go."

The Zohan is wearing a Mariah Carey T-shirt.

The Zohan cannot be shot.

The Zohan has a casual political conversation with a man as he kills him.

John Turturro says stuff.

The Zohan says the words "So let's go."

The Zohan strips to a speedo, and he has a big crotch.

The Zohan and Phantom argue over who feels less pain. Phantom lets a piranha bite his neck. The Zohan puts the piranha into his speedo and drinks a strange yellow soda.

The Zohan says the words "So let's go."

Live grenade ping pong.

Dogs eat dog biscuits dipped in hummus.

The Zohan says the words "Silky Smooth."

Chris Rock says stuff.

The Zohan humps a window.

The Zohan's super glasses categorize a lady's ass as: This is good.

Bucky Larson says stuff.

The Zohan can lift both feet in the air simultaneously.

The Zohan makes a man smell his foot.

The Zohan turns a guy into a pretzel.

Rob Schneider says stuff.

The Zohan has a big crotch.

The Zohan uses Bucky Larson as a human shield against Rob Schneider's eyes.

The Zohan has sex with Bucky Larson's mother.

Bucky Larson's mother is old and fat.

Bucky Larson is uncomfortable with his mom's sexuality.

The Zohan has a big crotch.

The Zohan pees into a litter box and on a cat's head.

The Zohan movies his pelvis like he's doing an invisible hula-hoop.

The Zohan scratches records with his big crotch.

The Zohan turns a DJ into a pretzel.

Zohan Gets his Shot: The Second 30 Minutes

The Zohan fights a hair weave as though it were a wild animal.

The Zohan makes a lot of children cry.

The Zohan says the words "So let's go."

John Turturro says stuff.

The Zohan has a detachable hand and it feeds him weird yellow soda.

The Zohan says the words "Silky Smooth."

The Zohan brushes his teeth with hummus.

The Zohan is naked and we see his ass.

Bucky Larson's mother is almost naked and we see her ass.

Bucky Larson is uncomfortable with his mother's sexuality.

The Zohan says the words "Silky smooth."

The Zohan says the words "So let's go."

The Zohan turns a guy into a pretzel.

The Fonze says stuff.

The Fonze vomits.

The villain in this film is the "Let's get ready to rumble!" guy.

The Zohan sexually harasses fat old women.

Fat old women enjoy The Zohan's sexual harassment.

The Zohan says the words "Silky smooth."

The Zohan says the words "So let's go."

The Zohan shoves his crotch into a fat old woman's face.

The Zohan licks a fat old woman's hair.

The Zohan says the words "Silky smooth."

The Zohan has sex with a fat old woman.

The Zohan uses hummus to highlight an old woman's hair.

Bucky Larson is uncomfortable with his mom's sexuality.

The Zohan has sex with many fat old women.

The Zohan keeps money in his underwear.

Rob Schneider says stuff.

The Zohan and a gay coworker shove their crotches into an old woman's face.

The Zohan's crotch is big because of his massive pubic hair.

The Past is Never Dead. It's not Even Past: The Third 30 Minutes

The Zohan drinks weird yellow soda.

The Zohan says the words "Silky smooth."

The Zohan is impotent.

A doctor is shocked at The Zohan's pubic hair.

Zohan plays hacky sack with a live cat.

Bucky Larson has diarrhea from weird yellow soda.

Bucky Larson is uncomfortable with his mom's sexuality.

Rob Schneider tries to make a bomb but gets neosporin instead of liquid nitrogen because of his accent.

Bucky Larson is uncomfortable with his mom's sexuality.

Bucky Larson is uncomfortable with his mom's sexuality.

The Zohan sprays hummus at a cat.

Kevin Nealon says stuff.

Palestinians and Israelis bond over which political women they'd like to have sex with.

Dave Matthews says stuff.

Foreign phone numbers are really long.

John Turturro says stuff.

John Turturro trains to take out The Zohan.

Bucky Larson is uncomfortable with his mom's sexuality.

Bucky Larson is uncomfortable with his mom's sexuality.

The Zohan Triumphant: The Fourth 30 Minutes

The Zohan is wearing a Mariah Carey T-shirt.

Kevin James says stuff.

John McEnroe says stuff.

Mariah Carey says stuff.

Men get erections around Mariah Carey.

John Turturro has an erection.

John Turturro tries to put out a fire by punching it.

The Zohan puts out a fire by spraying it with hummus.

The Zohan can lift both feet in the air simultaneously.

The Zohan and Phantom casually talk about shoes while fighting.

The Zohan and Phantom blow a bunch of stuff up by singing a song.

A woman's breast implants explode.

George Takei says stuff.

Bruce Vilanch says stuff.

The Zohan's dad calls him a faggot.
(thee stars)

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