The Week In Fake Movie News: Saved By the Bell

This week in fake movie news...

*Diablo Cody told reporters this week that her remake of The Evil Dead will be really violent. So everyone worried that the project is a soulless cash-grab completely ignorant of what made the original great can now relax.

*Jeremy Renner told reporters this week that his entry in the Bourne franchise will be "More expansive and bigger." So everyone worried that the project is a soulless cash-grab completely ignorant of what made the originals great can now relax.

*Judd Apatow made the claim this week that the Oscars undervalue comedies and should have a Best Comedy category because he wants an Oscar, and making really dirty Cameron Crowe films doesn't seem to be cutting it.

*Ethan Hawk and Julie Delpy are thinking about making a new Before Sunrise film. As everyone knows, first there was Before Sunrise in 1995. Then there was Before Sunset in 2004. The new one will come out 2012 and will be called "She's Fat & He's an Asshole."

*Six new photos from John Carter came out this week in an effort to convince movie goers that it was not a Sci-Fi Network made for television film. General consensus still remains at: "Maybe we'll Tivo it."

*The role of Q has been cast for Daniel Craig's 3rd Bond outing, Skyfall. The addition of Q, along with the promise that this will be a self-contained adventure, no doubt warms the hearts of people who like their Bond films completely devoid of tension and weight. Daniel Craig is currently working with a smile coach.

*Bad news for the live action Akira remake. It looks like Gary Oldman has dropped out as that general with the fat head and mustache. Oldman might be replaced with Ken Watanabe even though he is Japanese and therefore ruins the "live-action" element of the remake. More as it develops.

BLACK FRIDAY!!!!

This Black Friday has proven completely unprecedented. Starting at 4:00am Friday morning, both Amazon and Apple went on sale to the first fat lady who could get through the door. Unsurprisingly, Patricia Hendershot bought both companies instead of just one, spending only $2.99 on each. While this raised the ire of everyone standing behind her, there were still plenty of less significant companies to go around. Barbara Snell purchased Spotify for a song, while Jeanine Dunbar took off with a WETA, & ILM two-pack for only $12.98. At the end of the day the store had been completely cleaned out, save for the bargain bin holding The American Government.

In Memoriam:

The nation mourns the loss of every young soul either attending or working at Bayside High School. We cannot say they are truly dead, but they are without a doubt lost to us for eternity.

In what appears to be a horrible misuse of superpowers, cool kid Zachary "Zack" Morris apparently froze time so he could confer with an imaginary friend about whether or not he should go to the Day Dream Contessa President's Day Gala Dance with his girlfriend Kelly Kapowski or Jessica "Jessie" Myrtle Spano, girlfriend of his best pal Albert Clifford "A.C." Slater. The central dilemma appeared to revolve around the fact that the girl he already had (Kelly) would not have sex with him while the girl his friend got (Jessie) most assuredly would.

Unfortunately, Morris froze time just as his friend Samuel "Screech" Powers was about to rappel down from the school's ceiling. Frozen in mid-air, Screech's rope snapped, and his incapacitated body fell onto Morris, killing him instantly and therefore making the unfreezing of Bayside High School time utterly impossible.

Authorities have roped off the school. Loved ones are encouraged to leave flowers and say words of comfort from no closer than across the street for fear that they too will become frozen upon entering Morris' power reach. Many mothers, claiming love for both Morris and Slater have shockingly "committed suicide" in this fashion.

Certainly a dark day for American High Schools everywhere.