This week in fake movie news...
*This week's top story is the confirmation that Benicio Del Toro will be playing Khan in the new Star Wars film.
*Screenwriter Jane Goldman has been hired to adapt Tim Burton's debut novel Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children in hopes that her involvement will help nab Tim Burton to actually direct his own book. Executives felt Goldman was perfectly suited for this job because her eyes are round, she has crazy hair, and her knockers are very huge. With Helena Bonham Carter getting on in years, it seemed worth a shot.
*The guy who wrote Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter just got two million Hollywood dollars for his upcoming book, Unholy Night. Producers obviously sensed that with his first two books proving un-filmable, it was best to get in on the big crazy while possible.
The plot for Unholy Night is all about how the Three Wise Men were actually a ninja, a samurai warrior, and a robot, respectively, who come across Joseph and Mary Christ just as they are about to have their baby. The baby comes out and everyone is shocked to discover it is a Cthulhu. So now the Three Wise Men have to take the baby to Cthulhu Cthity to trade with the Cthulhu lady who likely just had Jesus. Along the way, they will adulterate the entire New Testament with bullshit Internet Memes.
*It turns out we don't have to worry about the Robocop remake anymore because the guy who is making it clearly hates the original and won't be copying any of it.
*Word on the Tomb Raider reboot is that it will be more emotionally charged than we're used to. As a prequel, the film will deal with an ugly duckling Laura Croft, who goes on her first adventure in hopes that she can make enough artifact money to fund the lip, hip, butt, boob, and cheek implants she needs to become the Laura Croft we all know and love to repeatedly throw off rocks.
*A director has been hired to make a third Bridget Jones film, this one called Bridget Jones' Baby. The plot for this one is still under wraps but our girlfriends tell us that the film involves Bridget Jones' baby, which was conceived when the King's Speech guy and Hugh Grant mixed their sperm together and slipped it into Bridget Jones' tea, thus impregnating her. Should be a good one.
*The Internet crapped its pants this week when a photo popped up of Daniel Day Lewis sporting a very recognizable Abraham Lincoln beard for his role in the upcoming Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.
*Christian Bale dropped out of Darren Aronofsky's Noah project for undisclosed reasons earlier this week, but currently hot "in" actor Steve Carell says he's very interested in taking the role.
*There is going to be another The Munsters TV show, this one executive produced by Bryan Singer. This new version of the show will be hilarious, but not a comedy.
*Famed television director M. Night Shyamalan joined Twitter this week where he can finally tell his many fans which stupid, tired cliches he likes most. At the end of the tweet feed, it will be revealed that he's actually been Carlos Mencia since right after Signs.
*Internet hacking group "Anonymous" struck Hollywood this week by digitally distributing two Men in Black III posters scientifically designed to make people sick if they look at it too long. It did this solely to protest the existence of Men in Black III.
*Tony Scott is going to make a movie called Narco Sub for... seriously? No he's not.