The Week In Fake Movie News: BNAT Edition

Sam Strange reports from the front lines of Butt-Numb-A-Thon. Probably.

This week in fake movie news...

*Marvel is having a little trouble with their Thor 2 film. This week director Patty Jenkins walked away from the project over creative differences. Apparently, she did not agree with Marvel's mandate that Thor 2 star Samuel L. Jackson in "at least" five scenes highlighting S.H.I.E.L.D. office politics.

To bounce back, Marvel is going back to their pre-Patty Jenkins notion of hiring a director from HBO's popular Game of Thrones series. Having never actually seen the series, Marvel's current shortlist is George R.R. Martin himself and Frank Miller.

* Fans are in a confused uproar over this week's Amazing Spider-Man poster reveal. The image itself seems well received. It's the poster's tagline, "The Untold Story," that's causing issues since Spider-Man's origin, which this film concerns itself with, is so well known.

Joke #1:
To clear things up, Marvel announced that this film will significantly alter Spider-Man's classic origin story. In this version he's an Asian chef who murders people and cooks them into his dumplings.

Joke #2:
To clear things up, Marvel announced that this film will significantly alter Spider-Man's classic origin story. In this version he's born a spider and becomes more human as he grows into adulthood. The film actually takes place at the 50% human-spider point where Peter must come to terms with losing the only thing that ever made him special.

Joke #3:
To clear things up, Marvel said absolutely nothing and never will. No aspect of the story will be unknown to anyone who saw the Raimi movies, and no one will care.

Joke #4:
Amazing Spider-Man

*Word from an early 8-minute preview screening of The Dark Knight Rises is that at least 50 minutes of the film will be IMAX-shot footage. In related news, Sprint has just announced the Holiday release of its groundbreaking IMAX-capable smartphone.

*Lionsgate has made moves to do an American Psycho remake which will take advantage of changes in New York since the first film was released in 2000. In this version, Bateman will be shocked into reality by 9/11, which inspires him to become the greatest mayor New York City ever had. I mean, he still totally kills people, though. He will be played by Katherine Heigl.

*Ridley Scott made the bold public statement that films should be seen in theaters. Other visually-oriented directors have yet to put their two-cents in on the hot button issue, except for David Lynch who responded, "I said this shit like ten years ago! What the fuck is wrong with you people!"

*The highly-anticipated trailer for The Farrelly Brothers' The Three Stooges movie finally hit the Internet this week. Reactions ranged all the way from "crickets chirping" to "the sound poop makes hitting water." Film fans simply loved it so much they were speechless.

*Chris Columbus is producing an adaptation of Anne Rice's Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt, which follows Jesus Christ when he was just a little mischievous rugrat. Obviously, Columbus is interested because it's a kid's film. At the announcement's fictional press conference, Rice waived away all obvious jokes about Jesus being a vampire, but had to concede when press asked if her version of Jesus was gay as shit.

*Danny Elfman has walked away from scoring The Hunger Games due to a scheduling conflict. Luckily, he was quickly replaced this week with James Newton Howard, which means the film may actually have a score worth remembering.

*A movie theater is being built in Bellevue, Washington that will have a section reserved solely for texting, twitter, Facebook, etc. during films. So when the Class War really gets going, let's not forget to come up with a false pretense for getting rid of this place.

*Looks like Benicio Del Toro will not be playing Khan in the new Star Trek film. He just doesn't have the chest for it. Instead, Khan will be played by another convincingly Latino actor, not because it's necessary the character be Latino, but because it's necessary the character accurately smother the original's soul as much as possible.

BNAT Report!
This year’s BNAT was incredible. The first film of the event was The Avengers. What I saw of it was great. Unfortunately, we were all given our own individual fried goose to eat and boiling blood from it spilled onto my chest, forcing me to stand in the "first-aid" line for most of it. What I saw of Iron Man was hilarious! As usual!

After that, we watched a documentary called "Peter Jackson Verbalizes What Will Happen in His Tintin Movie." It was like being held in the arms of a Cinematic mother and suckling from the teat of storytelling. Unfortunately, we were all given Gummy-Breasts with Crème Brulee centers. Mine gave me such a huge boner that I had to make a quick trip to the "Emmanuelle Room," the line to which was really long because it's a one-at-a-time deal. So I missed most of this one, too.

After that we watched a short snuff film followed by Joel Schumacher's 8MM. A Nicholas Cage impersonator mirrored all his counterpart's actions live on stage. It was great!

When that finished, we got to see The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Fell asleep.

Luckily I got my Spice inhalant just in time for clips from The Hobbit. The reel ran 2.5 minutes and we watched it 60 times, so that was movie four. Or five. Not really sure.

A movie that might have been Prometheus showed. Not sure what it was. May have eaten a human ear. Hard to tell because of all the BBQ Vodka. My memories at this point become more and more unreliable.

Aliens screen a film for the first time ever on our planet. It wasn't very good but everyone was polite. Then we ate the aliens. They tasted like beef. Their meat had tapioca-like sparkles.

We ate the last film instead of watching it. Then: orgy.

Whoops! Just went over my notes. Looks like I wasn't at BNAT, but the Edgar Wright thing. Apologies. Had a great time regardless! Can't wait till next year!